How to deal with ex who isn't reliable when showing up for our 2 yr old son. Getting frustrated!?

Question

My ex left about 8 months ago and has since been seeing our son about one day a week, watching him while I work. Otherwise I never hear from him as he seems to be enjoying his newfound freedom from responsibilities which has been really frustrating me.

Initially when he decided to break things off he said he would watch our son one day a week, while I am at work and he has the day off... and will call to see him a couple times a week in addition to that for a couple hours here and there (take him to the park, for a walk, etc.) but in the 8 months he's been gone he never calls just to have him and only has him when I "need him to".

Wll oftentimes he's late and I've had to take my son to work with me in the am only to have my ex show up 15 minutes later, acting like it's not a big deal, and pikcing him up. And now several times he just hasn't shown up, claiming he "forgot" or "misunderstood" our arrangement. I've tlked to him about it numerous times and all he says is he's sorry, it was a mistake and to not lecture or nag him, cause he doesn't want to hear it and that's why he left me... cause he doesn't want to hear my nagging or my "opinions" about how things are or should be.

Then yesterday, again, I kept my son out of daycare as it was my ex's day to have him and he didn't show up, didn't call and it's the next day and I still have yet to get a call. Nothing.

How to I handle this. Talking doesn't seem to help, neither does nagging, etc. but I get so frustrated. How can he go from being so involved to breaking things off and "forgetting" when he's supposed to show up for our son????

Not sure what to do. I don't even tell our son he's coming anymore because some days he's reliable and some he's not.

Advice?

Answer 1

This is so sad. I'm a teacher and I see the effect this has on children. You're doing the right thing by not telling the child his dad is coming since it's likely to end in disappointing him.

It doesn't sound like his dad is very loving or responsible. I would just make sure there were some very strong male role models in his life, such as a grandfather, uncle or close friend you can trust 100%. He will need a good role model and it doesn't sound like his dad is able to provide this for him. My heart breaks for your son. Good luck.

Answer 2

Not to sound mean, but that's what happens when you break up or divorce.

he no longer is obligated to help make YOUR life easier in ANY way at all, and if YOU have PHYSICAL custody of your son, its really YOUR problem in regards to his care.  That sounds harsh and unfair, but its truth.........

Once he has a new girlfriend, you may NEVER see him.

I am not excusing men, but men do NOT have that same attachment to children that the mothers do.  They don't.  That is why it is easier for them to walk away.

By nature, men are hunters and women are nurturers....probably not what you wanted to hear....

Answer 3

I"m so sorry that you're going through this. The worst part about it is that it's your son that gets the worst part of the deal. You are going to have to sit this man down and talk to him calmly and let him know how his actions are affecting your son.Your ex needs to understand that whether he left you or not you are still a part of his life because you are the mother of his child. If he continues there's not too much more you can do because you can't control his actions. Make sure your son is happy whether his dad is in or out of his life.

Answer 4

It's always the way it is..... when someone leaves, the women are left raising the child.... never any other way.

If he's your ex, the fact that he is not dependable is likely a big reason.

In your place, forget he's even around, and if he shows up, and your child is in day care???"Oh, gee, I forgot.   He's in day care.  Should we set another time?  "  And then do that, and forget again.... god, the guy has to be dumb as a sack of rocks not to catch on after awhile.... and then, hon, just forget every time.  If he wishes to see his son, HE has to get him from day care......  The dumber you appear, and the less said, the better.  And never get angry, or show that you are upset... if you do, he wins.

Edit... and no, don't take him to court and get attorneys involved... the only ones who make out ahead are them.... at $450/hr, they have no reason to settle your differences quickly or cheaply....ever know a poor attorney????????? me neither.

Answer 5

Take him to court for child support and help with day care expenses.

Put your child in the day care on whatever days you need him to be watched while you work , even if they are the days your ex says he will watch him.

if you ex gets him from the day care to spend time with him great, if not you have someone reliable to watch him.  

You can't change how your ex is but you can change how much he is responsible for his son by getting a court order.  He can't ignore it , forget about it or make excuses. They won't want to hear it nor will they care. The only one they will be concerned for is your son.  

I know that your ex should be more responsible I wish my ex husband spent more time with his children when they were growing up.  But you can't force him and neither could I.

You are doing the best you can for your little one by working to support him, giving him love, and a mom who wants what's best for him.  

Your ex may come around later or not but as long as he has you he will grow up to be a fine man. He has a great mom.

Best of luck.

Answer 6

kids are a handful

he loves em

but you are doing all of the work so why stop you

its kinda like to many cooks spoiling the broth.

if he pays child support than that gives him an excuse out

hes busting his hump so that 33 percent gets taken.

he loves the kids and they know it

it's u he hates

Answer 7

It's very sad, but things like this tend to happen all the time.  It's unfortunate, because the one who really misses out here is the kid.

You need to put the dates and times down in writing for him.  Hand him the next day/time you need him on a piece of paper and hand it to him every time you see him.  Then, just act like he's not going to show up.

He's been so flaky and nonchalant about everything that you need to assume he's never going to show up again.  If he does show up, wonderful, allow him his rightful time with his son.  If he doesn't show up, no loss because you had already made other arrangements anyway.  Please continue to not inform your son that his father is coming.  When he doesn't show, it will only lead to disappointment, a feeling of neglect and abandonment, and heartache.  You're doing the right thing by not telling your child he's coming.

Anyway -- if he's going to be an absentee father then you'll just have to deal with it as will your child, unfortunately.  Go about your life the way you would if he weren't around, and hope that one day he gets his act together and ends up being there to support his son.

Good luck.

Answer 8

If you ex does not want to be a part your sons life, there is no need trying to force it. Just go to court and get child support so you can pay for daycare. You cannot keeping running around trying persuade a grown man to be a father. His unreliable behavior shows that your ex is playing games and dancing around his responsibility. If he really cared he would see his son because he wanted to , not because it was necessary.

If it really becomes a problem, go to court to get full parental rights and cut you ex out of the picture completely. If this continues, soon your son will be old enough to understand and theres no use putting him through that dissapointment.

Answer 9

Was he punctual and responsible before the split?  Always have a back up plan.  Be happy he is in the boys life at all, most walk away and just start a new family.  Sorry he is not perfect.

Answer 10

Put everything in writing. Buy him a calendar if you have to and fill it in with what time he's supposed to do things.

If he still flakes, then he's just not that interested in you and your son anymore. Find alternate arrangements for your son's care.

.

Answer 11

TWO WORDS-- COURT JUDGE!!!

SINCE HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND VERBAL AGREEMENTS YOU NEED A COURT ORDER!!!!!

Answer 12

If he is more than 5 or 10 minutes late, then go about your plans.  Be sure to have an alternate sitter for those days.

Answer 13

I would tell his mother.

Men need women to keep them in line.  Unfortunately, they only ever listen to the woman they're sleeping with or their mother.

Either buckle down and jump in the sack with this no good loser or call up his mother.

ADD:  I agree with Valerie, it's harsh, but so true.  Men's roles in the lives of children are very unclear.  Their own sense of person is fuzzy as they're too busy trying to be a "man", which somehow translates to less of a human.  Bottom line is, your son has you and that's all he needs.  I don't buy into the "importance of a male role model".  It's nice, but there's nothing a man can teach your son that you can't do 100 times better.

Answer 14

Assume he's never coming and don't rely on him for anything. Stop contacting him and stop making arrangements with him.