How to deal with kids who just don't listen even after repeated lectures & punishments?

Question

I have a 7 yr old stepdaughter and 4 yr old step son who just don't listen to me while they are staying with us. The 4 yr old constantly ignores me, does things that he knows are wrong (like hitting his younger brother and sister, being a jerk to them, demanding things and not using basic manners etc) then when i ask why he either says "because I'm lazy", "because i did" or just "because". He lies to me all the time and I'm just frustrated to tears! The older one is generally pretty good but has taken to lying to me of recent and sherking responsibility for things that happen (IE. I ask all the kids 7,4 and 3 to please tell me if they see there young brother (2) doing something wrong so i can stop it. Instead, they let him do it (watching him do it) and wonder why I get angry at them as well as him!) My 3yr old tells me more times when hes naughty than they do! I've tried everything from corner time, sending them to bed, taking away privileges and even smacking them (only on the butt with my hand) but they just don't care because they only have 2 stay here 2 nights a fortnight and then they're back home to their mum who lets them do whatever they want without consequence!!

They tell their dad the truth (generally) and they treat him with a smidge more respect than they give me but I've just had enough as they're passing this bad behaviour down to the younger 2 and because I'm 29 weeks pregnant I'm tired and moody with no time for playing games with them anymore! I hate being seen as the bad guy by them but I've given them enough rope now its time for me to really clamp down. I've been tough on them this weekend (more so than usual) and they're really angry with me (because usually i tell them off and then just let it slide a lil) but i know its just going to continue next time i see them. Need some tips guys!!!! (BTW their dad is very hands on and involved in their lives but their mum tries to keep him out of it. He goes out of his way to buy and get them ALL things while they stay here (inc. the younger two who get extra lil privileges while the older 2 are here) and I don't play favourites but we still get treated like the second best/lower than dirt.)

Answer 1

You are going to have to stay consistent with your rules and discipline and father will have to back you up and also be consistent. You cannot let them off. When you are disciplining them explain what they did wrong and what you expect in the future. Be sure to reinforce that fact that you love and care for them, but BE CONSISTENT!!  Lectures very rarely work and if they have not already, they probably won't. Lecturing will probably put them on the defensive side and shut them down. When you are explaining the reason for the discipline and what you expect in the future, try to do it without sounding like you are lecturing. (I am a mental health counselor who works with children and families and this seems to work with many.) Open communication - telling them what you expect and consistency is the key.

Answer 2

First of all Gail I hope you realize you need to take your parents to court and as you think this lady should try some of these ideas you neen counciling.Oh my god children are not animals.

Now to the problem at hand. Thier father needs to disiplineit is not your place. It sounds like they are very young you can't expect them to inform you what a two year old is doing when they were probably watching TV They are not adults. If you were there real mum and had them all the time you would soon realize it is not normal to expect even  the 7yr old to watch what a two year old is doing it sounds like you are out of your depth and way of track in how to be a mother.It is not there fault you are pregnant they play no part in it or when they are at your house. Suck it up and be kind.You need alot more support from your husband and relax life is not a dress rehursle for the real thing. I wish I could take you backin time to show you YOU when you were little guess what you weren't perfect. Go and buy a good book on possitive parenting and go to parent classes. Please stop expecting unreasonable tasks from those wee children you are damaging them emotionaly. GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

I know how you feel! I am glad you brought this matter here. I am having the same problem. I have 2 teenage sons and have major problem with the youngest. I consult this matter with his teachers, with other parents and they give me some tips. The one thing that i am going to do is to send him to motivational camp for a week. They teach him how to respect others and how to survive in this modern world. Though the success is about 70%, i would give it a try.

Answer 4

I would seriously watch the smacking of a stepchild I know as a mom (and yes I have been a stepmom too) that if I found out my boys were getting hit by their stepmom even a slight smack I would be furious.  Dad needs to step up and have a serious talk to them.  Many children hate their step-parents and feel as though their step-parent is trying to be their mom/dad and take over so they will act out of anger.  Maybe family councling would be a good idea right now to find out if that is why they are responding to you like that.  First Dad needs to work on his relationship with them and find out what is going then you can work on a step-parent relationship with them but you should never lay a hand on your stepkids that is just asking for trouble and overstepping the bounds as far as I am concerned and like I said I have been a stepmom and so hasn't my mom (she was a step-mom at 21 years old to a 15 year old so she has been through a lot with step-kids).  

Answer 5

u need to let them know who is the parent. every time thay do somthing wrong find an diffrent concequence for them. im 22 ill tell u the punishments my parents had me doing remember i was growed up in guyana.

1.i had to knell down on hard rice

2.knell down with my hands up in the air with book adding and if it falls or i move a whip i get

3.face the wall

4. clean the whole house every day for an week

5 go to school with me

6.locked me in my room i coudnt come out they made me drink an gallon water in 5 minites and then locked me in my room i could not pee or some licken i would get or whips

7.be treated like i was in boot camp OUCH!!!!!!!!!!

8.WRITE ESSAYS AN STUFF

9.READ

this is the last and worstest punishment i ever had

10.TAKE EVERYTHING OFF THE BED THEN ATACH ROPS TO ALL 4 SIDES OF THE BED AND THEN USE TO TREAT ME LIKE I WAS IN AN HORA MOVIE THEY USE TO TIE MY HANDS AND FEET DOWN ON THE BED AND USE TO LASH ME AND LECTURE ME AND THEY WOULD PUT 2 PAIRS OF MY BROTHERS SOCKS IN MY MOUTH SO I WOUNT SCREAM. AND THEY WOULD LASH ME AND LECTURE ME AND TICKEL ME I USE TO HATE WHEN THAY DO THET. AND THEY USE TO THROW ICE COLD WATER ON ME AND THEN LEAVE ME IN THE ROOM WITH THE LIGHTS OF FOR THE REST OR THE NIGHT WITH OUT DINNER.

there is one more they use to put me in the shower and make me opean my legs so that the water would go in my privite and it use to tickel and i use to have to do it for almost 1 hour i hope u use SOME OF MY IDEAS.good luck

Answer 6

boot camp

talk 2 their dad

Answer 7

they have no respect for you because you are not their mom...

lectures wont work because their attention span is like 45 seconds..

instead of negative reinforcement (taking priviledges away for bad behaviour) you may want to try positive reinforcement (rewarding good behaviour)

stickers are great...make them each cute little posters with their name on it or a chart on the fridge and for each day they are with you guys and behave they get a sticker...if they get all of their stickers then reward them with a toy, ice cream, outting..etc. but make sure if they dont have the stickers, they dont get it or it defeats the purpose...if they are misbehaving, threaten to take their sticker away...you may have some sour faces for a few weeks but as long as you dont give in they should start behaving for you and maybe even start to like u...

also u should never hit a child, especially a step child...we tell children not to hit but then we hit them...how hypocratic is that? all hitting a child does, is teaches them to hit others when they do not do what they want...they are very smart and will copy adults..

good luck :o)

Answer 8

A blended family is always a hard one. my other half has a 7 yr old and i have a 3 yr old and now we have one on the way i am 26 weeks preggy. my daughter of course being so young we dont have a major problem but the 7 yr old has ran me through the ringer. it has only gotten better in the past few months. heck i didnt think i would ever make it to this point. i one day finaly sat down and told him i was not his mother but i was a mother and that i was not going anywhere no matter what he had in mind. also this was all of our house and we will either respect one another or there would be heck to pay. i made it clear that i was not going to jump through the flameing hoops he had set up and i was not here to deal with all the c**p of lieing and misbehaveing. i also looked at his father and made it clear that if i punish him by akeing away games computer time or anything like that not to over turn my choices.  i was not happy when we finaly had that talk. it was not a pretty sight. but once it was brought into the open and i laied down the law as woman of the house things got better. i made sure i spent one on one time with him and praised him for things done good but when he was in the wrong i made sure he knew i was not playing games with him. dont give them things just to get them to be good they will start o play that game with you also... they will think oh be good tell i get what i want and then go back to the games. make sure dad is on bord with the game plan you set for them. just hang in there it always gets worst b4 it will get better.  

Answer 9

You need to earn their trust- not demand it. Your job is to have boundaries with them- not tell them off. Lay down the ground rules and stop trying to control them. If their father is so hands on then leave the discipline up to him at least until the kids have learned to trust you and you have earned their respect.