How to deal with my emotionally cruel mother who talks bad about me to others???

Question

My mother has always been what I affectionately refer to as "rough around the edges" but after a relatively recent split between my spouse of 10 yrs (and the father of my son) I've gotten to the point where I don't know if I should continue to have much of a relationship with her at all.

Admittedly I was shocked at the breakup of my relationship and felt blindsided. I was at the time unemployed, a full-time student, caring for our 1 year old son when my ex suddenly said that he didn't want to be with me anymore on Christmas because we'd been arguing too much. I had no money and no where to go. My own mother, wh lives in the same town with my dad, refused to even allow me to stay a single night because she said she didn't want me to think I could come home. Mind you, I moved out at 20 and am 30 now and never moved home in between that.

I would, howevre, go over to her and my dad's house a lot as I was lonely and wanted to be around family. Maybe I was going over too much, but instead of saying it tactfully she screamed that she couldn't stand me, she thought I'm weak and she's sick of seeing my face. The rejection from her made the whole breakup that much more painful.

Then she allows my sister who recently split from her ex to move home, no questions asked. She explained to everyone that it's because she gets along better with her since she's rarely around.

I know my mom didn't owe me to allow me to movce home but I felt really abandoned that I was in a tight spot and she wasn't really there for me.

I'm hurt and she still goes around to other family and her friends (I live in a ver small town... talking about how she doesn't think I'm handling the break up well and she's sick of me because I'm annoying her). I got a job working nearly full-time, finished a full-time semester on the honros list and have my 2 year old son when not doing one of the two. I've just been heartbroken as I found out his dad was cheating on me after he left.

She says I'm looking for her to be a comforting Mom and she's just not that way. But she goes around talking about how my sisters strong and doing well.

I'm humiliated by the things she's said about me. I feel my mom should be trying to make me look good to others rather than whining and gossiping about me to people when I've been going through a very hard time.

Now I barely go around her and have found a daycare for my son which he starts soon. But yet she still continues to complain about me, now it's because she thinks that I'm stupid for "trying to give her the silent treatment" and she's playng the victim like I'm being "mean" to her for not coming around as much.

How do I deal with her? I feel confused. I'm pathetic if I come around too much and immature if I stay away. I feel she keeps hurting me and when I've tried to talk to her she just gets very defensive and verbally attacks me making me feel like she, again, thinks I'm pathetic.

Advice?

Answer 1

its ur mother who is pathetic & immature hun not you... I understand ur pain though i myself have never been in ur situation.. your doing all the right things for yourself and your son , its good that even though your going through all of this emotional stuff that you can continue with your education, manage to find a full time job and a day care for your son... Why do you need her???

You've been off her t*t for a long time now hun so carry on with your own life and ignore the gossip, the best way to grow from this is to prove to your son that you are a better person without them...

Answer 2

It sounds like you don't have any relationship with you mom.  You are correct that she should not go around gossiping about you.  Your life should not be dragged throughout the town  and your mom should be ashamed of herself for doing it.  

Your mother should not show partiality between her two daughters.  If se allows one to move back home she should allow both of you since both of you have split from your husbands.

But your mom has done all of those things to you so I would just stay away from her for a long time and not allow her to see her grandchild.  You might write her a letter explaining why you are going to not see her for a while.  That she showed partiality to her sister, that she gossiped about you all over town, and verbally abuses you.   Tell her how hurt you are by her attitude toward you and by gossiping about you.

Tell her you love her but you just can't be around her for a while.  Your wounds have to heal.

Blessings

Answer 3

here is what i would do. if she can't come to you in a civilized way, stay the he!! away from her!!!

Answer 4

She certainly isn't very 'motherly'. Not to you anyhow. Why a mother can be kind & loving to one child and yet so hateful to another is beyond me. You seem to be well grounded and certainly don't have to depend on anyone! Most mothers would be overwhelmed with pride! You honestly should not keep your feelings hidden. She should know exactly how she has made you feel. And you should make it known that you're willing to do without her in your life if she can't show you a more caring, thoughtful side. After all, you didn't do anything to deserve to be treated in such a horrible manner. And I'm curious, how does your father feel about all of this? Surely, he doesn't treat you the same way!