How to deal with my father when we give the child up for adoption?

Question

My father keeps trying to force me to keep the child even though I know someone else could give them a much better life than I could, feeling like he's forcing me has been the cause of a lot of crying the last few days but, my fiance and I are leaning to open adoption and, if we do this, we need to find a way to do it without my family knowing, I really hate to lie to them, especially about something this huge, but it's seeming like the only choice I have to avoid my father ridiculing me for the rest of my life about it the way he ridicules me about having given my first child up for adoption. I feel like he's trying to force me to keep the baby for selfish reasons because oh "the family name" and all that BS.

So, how could we give this child up, if we decide fully that that's the way we are going to go, without my family having to know about it?

I know it sounds cold, but we are going to be living near him and him knowing would cause trouble BIG TIME!

Answer 1

You don't mention how old you are in your question, but I'd like to know this:

It seems as though your fiance is a supportive person, and that you visualize yourselves having a long-term relationship.  Your fiance is planning on having a vasectomy after this child is born.  You've already given up your first child for adoption.  This may be your last chance to have a child and bring it up yourself.

Why do you want to give this chance up? What makes you feel that someone else can give your baby a better life than you could?    

Since you are in a committed relationship with the father of your baby, I guess I just don't understand why there's any need to make an adoption plan for your child.

Answer 2

I wish you the absolute best and honestly, I think you are incredibly brave and very strong.  You have to do what YOU feel is right.  Of course it would "hurt" your family, but you have to do what you feel is best for you and your child.  No one can tell you how to do that.

There are a lot of people (like me) out there who don't judge.  The people who do should keep their mouths shut!

With that being said, I don't know that you can do it without your family knowing since your dad already knows (right?).  The only thing I can tell you to do is STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Explain to your dad that you're a big girl and that this was the best decision you could have made.

Good luck hunnie!!

Answer 3

Been there!

           When I diecide to place my son for open adoption, my dad was not thrilled.  But he knew it was my choice. and never spoke to me again about my son.

              For my grandfather's 80 birthday, I invited the couple who adopted my son(7) and daughter (2) to the event.   Afterwards my mom invited them to come and visit them on the farm.   They stayed for a few hours and had to head for home.     As soon as they pulled out of the driveway, my dad had tears in his eye. ( he never cries.)   And he told me how proud he was of me for making the right choice for my children.

         This is your child and only you knows what is best for your child and not everyone in the world is going to agree with you or agree with your choices.

          My dad wanted me to keep my son, but love alone cannot raise a child, but love can provide a child with a good home.             Don't lie to them, be honest and stand your ground, sounds like you are in for a rough ride.

          good luck to you both.

Answer 4

Just remember it's YOUR decision, and not anyone else's.  Don't let anyone railroad you and tell you that you can't make up your own mind, no matter what your choice is.

Personally, I think that the only time it's necessary to separate a mother and child is when abuse and/or neglect are involved.  But I also think the #1 most important thing, above ALL else, is making sure the mother (YOU) feels empowered to make her OWN choice, above the din of what everyone else thinks is the "best" choice.  This is YOUR baby, regardless of what anyone else says, thinks, or does.  Only YOU can decide.

Have you given any more thought to a guardianship?

Answer 5

There is no way to deal with your father other than just dealing with him. You can't make it stop, unless you move far away of course. Sorry to ask but have you thought about maybe having a family member or a close friend adopt your baby or even an open adoption meaning you can still see your baby? That way you could still see him/her grow up and know that he/she is okay and happy. I'm sorry you feel this is something you have to do and i can only imagine how hard it will be to give your baby up especially after carrying it for nine months but if you feel and know this is the best thing for him/her then you need to do it because that child does deserve the best, i'm not saying your not the best, every baby deserves to be with it's natural parents but if you are not physically, financially nor emotionally ready for a baby then the best thing would be to give it to someone who is ready and willing to give that baby everything. Your doing a good thing you know, your giving that baby a chance at life and a chance to be happy and your making another couple the happiest people alive. Your a strong woman i can tell. I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Good luck hun.

Answer 6

open adoptions are not legally binding.  my cousins have one...er, HAD one, until they cut off the bmother.

as most aparents do.  they will want nothing to do with you.

as far as your dad, he sounds like he's willing to help.  why not let him???

Answer 7

your fathers opinion is more important that your childs life?there is no such thing as open adoption, they are not enforacable, no matter what anyone tells you.

why dont you and your boyfriend get yer S**t together, and act like parents. your child does not need an SUV s/he needs you and your boyfiend.

Answer 8

do what feels right to you.... any way you look at it your family will know... since the baby wont be there....

if you get lucky you might find a family for your child who will allow a fully open adoption... i know of families who have adopted and the birthmother sees the child on a weekly basis...  the child even visits with his birth grandparents and cousins... they are just one huge family.....

Answer 9

well, if you're going to have any contact with your family in the future, they only way you'd be able to give the baby up for adoption without them knowing about it would be to tell them that you lost the baby - miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. Otherwise, they'd expect to see the child when they see you. But if it was me, I wouldn't do that to family, it seems really very mean, I'd just tell them the truth. Besides, if you lied to them and they found the truth out later, it would really hurt them, and would hurt your relationship

Answer 10

Sooner or later your father is gonna find out ,,,,

The best thing to do is if you decide to give the child up for adoption ,,,be up front ,,,,If your father can not accept your decision then he is the one with the problem

You are an adult so you have a right to make your own decisions  whether right or wrong .

Its to bad that people were not  open minded about things like this ,,,,Its a tough decision that you have to make ,,,,and there is probably a very good reason why you are considering doing what your are thinking about doing ,,,,

So make your decision and be happy with it

Answer 11

hello,

My name is donna my husband and I are in the process of adopting a baby throu a local adoption agency.  We have had a homestudy and fingerprints and birthmother letters and even lots of photos.  I f you are interested in giving your baby up for adoption we can provide a wonderful life.  We live in sunny california.

Sincerely

donna

Answer 12

As an adoptive parent, I thank God for couples like you.  If you did not have your father's feelings involved, it sounds as though your decision has been made.  It is very respectable to want to honor your father's wishes, but at this time you are the parent making a decision for your child.  Adoption is the greatest gift in the world.  I do not know your religious beliefs, but consider this: Moses was adopted, Jesus himself was raised by a man other than his father, John the Baptist was born when his parents were quite old.  This to me means God respects all types of families, he understands adoption.  You have your heavenly father's support, and your Dad will just have to adjust.  He raised you to make an unselfish decision, congratulate him for me.

Answer 13

Hmmmm Tell him you miscarried. Tell him someone stole it. Tell him you misplaced it. Tell him it's none of his business.

Now seriously, it is your decision to make and not his.

I hope you can have an open adoption, but i have heard that they aren't often successful and neither are reversing vasectomys.

Answer 14

Will this be your third child then or second how old were you when you had your first. Please answer first then i can add some additional comment after i hear of your circumstances, also why did you give your child up for adoption the first time and why do you want to now is there a reason.

Answer 15

I know this is a big decision and the truth is, it has consequences.  You should be ready to tell everyone the truth about your decision.  Secrets and lies have a way of haunting people in the end.

Answer 16

No one can force you to keep this child. If you feel adoption is what is best for the baby then all that matters is that both biological parents agree to it. Your father doesn’t have to like it but in time he needs to accept that this was your and the fathers decision. I’m not sure lying is the way to go, even more if you have an open adoption, your birth child might question about other birthfamily, asking maybe if he/she can meet them etc. I’m also confused you don’t want your family to know but they know your pregnant so wouldn’t you not having the baby be clearly obvious to them. Unless you tell them the child died at birth.

Yes a vasectomy can be reversed however the success rate depends on how long the guy has had the vasectomy. According to vasectomy.com if its less then 3 years the chance of pregnancy is 76%  If its 3 to 8 years only 53% chance. A reversal does not guarantee that pregnancy will happen.

Answer 17

Maybe you should quit having s*x if your goning to keep getting pregnant and giving YOUR kids to people. You need to MAN UP and except responsibility for yourself. And, your fiancee thats going along with all of that is ridiculous too, Grow up!! These are kids lives your are throwing around!