How to deal with my husband's ex wife and kids?

Question

His kids (10 and 14) keep telling him they want him to get back with their mother. She dumped her boyfriend and has set her sights on my fiance.

They know that we are engaged but this doesn't stop them from calling him to come over to their house for trivial things or to go out for dinner with them and their mother.

I've always got along great with his children until now. Their behavior towards me has changed so much. They are being very disrespectful and rude. My fiance is afraid to say anything because he thinks his ex will stop him from seeing his kids and we can't afford to go to court.

I don't want to complain because I don't want to put my fiance in the middle. What can I do?

Answer 1

Be very nice to children, but correct them if they are being disrespectful. It is natural for kids to want their parents to get back together and it sounds like mum has them believing it will happen. They will see the truth for themselves in time. Do not engage in any arguments over this nor say anything negative about mum to them. Given time this will die out. Keep firmly in mind that this is not the children's fault it is the influence of a very bad, manipulative parent. Don't let her manipulate you into being anything other than a good-mannered person!

Answer 2

When they call and invite him over or out to dinner. The two of you should go. It will be very uncomfortable but just a couple of times doing this and they will stop asking.

Answer 3

Oh boy.  Well here's the thing.  These children are his children, and that is extremely important.  In fact, they should be the most important person in the world to him, with one exception -- YOU.  When you marry someone, they should become your #1 priority and loyalty.  Your husband need not be put in the middle, because he should already be on your team.

These children are old enough to not be playing these games -- their mother has probably put them up to it.  Here's how he should handle the situation.

If they call and ask him to dinner with their mother: "Kids, your mother and I are divorced.  We no longer love each other, but we both love you very much.  I'm marrying (insert your name here) now, because I love her.  If you want me to take your out to dinner, I can come pick you up on Tuesday (or whatever) and (insert your name here), you two, and I can all go out to dinner -- your pick where!"

If they pitch a fit and hang up, oh well too bad so sad.  He needs to NOT give in and NOT go and do things socially with their mother.  He does need to talk with her, but only when obligated because something important has come up about the children.

When they ask him to come over: "Kids I'm not going to come over to your house.  If you really want to see me, ask your Mom if it will be okay and I'll come pick you up and bring you to my house for a couple of hours.  If not, then I'll definitely see you on (insert next day of his visitation here.)"

If they pitch a fit, once again too bad.  He needs to be firm but loving with them, and they need to know there is no hope for the two of them to get back together -- don't string them along with false hopes!

You, your husband, and his children need to go out and do things together!  Have fun, be close, and work on becoming a family.  They will grow to like you!

Also -- if they are ever rude or disrespectful to you he NEEDS to say something to them.  Under no circumstances should he be allowing his children to speak ill of another adult -- ESPECIALLY not their step mother, who is not only an authority figure to them but also a 3rd parent.

Good luck sweetheart.  It will get easier, trust me.  Just be sure to not speak ill of their mother, and always be positive with them.  They will remember who was there for them when they get older. :)

Answer 4

This man has an obligation to his children to be their dad.  It is understandable that they are upset because their parents turned their world upside down.  Now Daddy is getting married and the kids are naturally scared.  They probably think that he will not love them anymore.  In my opinion, Dad should have left dating alone after his divorce and focus on being a DAD to his kids!  Couldn't he have waited a few years before getting it on with a girlfriend?  

It upsets me that when adults mess up the lives of kids, they expect the kids to "understand" and "deal with it"....Whatever happened to commitment and loyalty?  

May I ask why he got a divorce?  Do you realize that the stats of a 2nd divorce is very great?  Have you been married before?  If not, my advice would be to find a man who hasn't already made babies and had a wife and is now divorced.  You're walking onto an active battlefield.

So...you can't complain because you don't want to put him in the middle.  What can you do?  You can choose to walk away, and sometime in the future you can find the committed spouse you are searching for.  That IS an option.

IMHO

Answer 5

Tuco believes you have no choice but to put him in the middle.  It is his responsibility to handle his children.  They don't need to know you have concerns.  He should just address it with them and tell him he really doesn't approve of it.

Also, if they are divorced and have a custody agreement there isn't anything she can do to keep him from seeing them.  It is really that simple.  Do they have an agreement?

Answer 6

Next time there is an invitation.... you should go too... afterall you guys are all family now... Sit down and explain to him that you love him and love being with him.   Tell him that you want to be involved in every aspect of his life.... if he cares for you he will be willing to do this.  And it shouldn't be a big deal... It is hard when there are two families involved, I know... because My sons father used to come over to my house to see our boy.... and I was married and had a different family.... my husband totally understood... try it.. it will work out in your favor!!  

Good Luck♥

Answer 7

There is really nothing you can do besides support him.  He should however be telling the children to respect you and be polite to you.

Answer 8

You will never, NEVER have them out of your life..... never.  And the rudeness will only get worse, as his ex pressures him to come back to her.... you'll be the Diana, in this Camilla, and Charles thing..And look what happened to her... treated like trash by everyone.

Good luck, hon.  But it will never change.. You will have those three people in your life forever, if you stay with this guy,,, foorrrreeeevvvaaaah.

(In your place, lots of women would have  drawn a line thru his name eons ago... tooo much baggage.)

Answer 9

either the first answer or "hey bud, this is the deal. i wont live like this. you either take a stand NOW, or im gone. Im not gonna live in Days of Lives here.  Take some control.  If you dont, shows that this maybe isnt what you want."

iits not about him being in the middle.  If he loves you he will stand up for you