How to deal with my man's children?

Question

i have this 4 year relationship with a guy whom i love so much and so is he to me. We have so many plans in our future but the problem is he has two children. For the long time we spend our life together i could not still imagine what would it look like to be a step mom. He's not yet married though and his ex gf has her own life now. But even though how much i love this guy, im very jealous of his children and still cannot accept them as part of our lives. I want them to get lost of our lives. What should i do with it? please help..

Answer 1

How about this: you say Baby, come here, I want to show you something, and show him your question... and let him dump you!

You are an idiot. THey are his children. They will always come first, way before you do. If you have been in a  4 yr relationship with the guy, you are an idiot dot thinking NOW that you can't deal with it. You've known for YEARS.

You have it all wrong: They are not part our "your" lives. YOU are part of THEIRS. Because you can leave, but they will always be in this life, wether you like it or not.

And being jealous of someone's children is plain STUPID. Of course he loves his children, but its not the same kind of love he can have for a woman! Really dfferent..

Anways, you are an idiot, and deserve to be dumped!

Answer 2

either accept his children or get out

Answer 3

The kids feel the same way about you.  They are having to share their Daddy with an intruder.  If you cannot accept them, then you need to move on.  Being a step-parent is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  You may not like being a step-parent, but it can be done if you love him enough.  However, you must always remember that if you accept the position, you must do it to the best of your ability...the kids deserve the very best.  Join a step-parent support group.  Good luck!

PS: with time you may come first in his eyes before his kids.  But you have to earn that position by loving him and his children.  The relationship between a mother and father should always be put before the relationship with the children.  With time, patience and respect, this may happen.  I love my step-daughter, but being a step-parent is not easy and is not for the faint of heart.

Answer 4

I was the exact same was with my ex, we loved every minute together, but as soon as his 5 year old daughter would come around for her weekend, I just wanted to bolt. It was awful, because he didn't include me in the family, I wanted nothing to do w/ his daughter, she wasn't the problem. it was him and the way he treated me when she was there. If you can't accept your guys children, it will never work. You may as well get out now, because his kids aren't going anywhere  

Answer 5

leave him alone becasue you just asking for trouble and i can tell you from my expericence. i feel the same way about my husband and his 15 year old daughter. iam jealous also because iam his wife and he has  a kid by another woman and not me yet. but i had to realize that my husband loved me enough to marry me regardless and he makes me happy. so in my opionion you have two options, 1. continue to be with him and just be civil and decent to his kids and ignore the feeling just like i do or just leave him alone point blank. you dont have to help him raise his kids. those kids have him as their father and they already have a mother. just dont tolerate any **** from them and stand your ground when they are doing something disresecptful to you. dont get into their problems and dont give advice to him about his kids that is not you place. i do all of these things that iam telling you and it works soooo well for me. the only thing iam focusing on now is the my first child with my husband, how iam going to raise my child and the happy home and family that i have created and that keeps me going.

Answer 6

It's hard to answer this question... I think that if you aren't ready to accept his child then you shouldn't be with him. I'm sorry...

Answer 7

Those children will grow up to resent you.

Take time out to bond with them. He is a package deal no matter if you like it or not.

Not right to hurt those children because of your own jelousey. They are children that can not help they are the offspring from their dad.

They don't desever to be treated wrong.

Take time to be with them. You will eventually like them once you move past of "he is mine".  

Those children were there before you did. This guy will always choose his kids over you and that is something you have to come to grips with, accept and be happy he wants YOU to be a part of his life AND his childrens.  

Answer 8

If you don't accept his children, you don't accept him.  Don't put him and his children through this.  Get out of their lives.

Answer 9

I know its seems hard right now, especially when there are so called future step children involved,if you can't handle sharing time with him and his kids, better off to get out of the relationship now.I was in that same situation years ago, I did not mind being with the guys kids, its just that I found them to be very disrespectful when they came to the house, they would not pick up after themselves, they thought it was some kind of flop house, i would come home after working 15 hour days (2 jobs), and not only did I have my regular chores, I had to pick up after them too, I became bitter and resentful because I was exhausted and felt since I had already did my mommy thing years ago, it was up to my man to be responsible for his kids actions when they came over, and I am not saying I don't like kids,because if I didn't i would not be working at a school for 21 years now with them.

We ended up constantly bickering about his kids and why they could not pick up after themselves while he was with them. I actually had his 14 year old daughter once, call me a very nasty name, there were other ongoing issues in the home, when we would have a little spat or disagree his kids would constantly be putting their 2 cents in, this would infuriate me because that's not how I was raised or raised my own 2 boys to behave like that, rather than scream and yell I would ask them nicely to please go to another room, while my man and I could discuss things in private,they refused, total disrespect all the time. The kids are now 18 and 14, older one going off to college, younger one in school yet, alot of what happened in the past  was because the kids were young and immature, his kids and I now have a much better relationship than ever, I am more patient now since they are older and I love them to death, I even spend time with the 14 year old boy, whom I call my "LIL Man ", we do things around the house, games, watch movies together while dads working and I'm off, we laugh so hard sometimes together I end up crying, its hysterical!!

It took some time, but things came into place and I would have been such a jerk to leave a wonderful man just because he has kids.

My advice to you is maybe your bf can include you into some fun activities with his kids, kids are very astute and can pick up on any feelings of animosity that you may have for them,try to lean how to enjoy them,plan an outing with them yourself or a day at home baking cookies, or playing games, the kids are a big part of his life and going no where, you can't make them disappear , remember kids grow into adults, they will eventually leave when they are older and out of school, if you love him that much you will have to develop tolerance and patience with them, good luck

Answer 10

Well, I tend to disagree with what others are saying on here.

When you marry (I know you're not married yet, but I'm assuming close enough if you've been together 4 years and posting this is in M&D) you always choose your spouse over everything else, including your children.  Your spouse is your life mate, and the person you choose over everyone else.  Before you knock me everyone yes, I am a step mom, but I'm also a mom too.

Your "husbands" children should be put as a priority, but his spouse should come first.  Children need to be raised in an environment where they see that marriage, marriage vows, and spouses come first.  If you constantly put your children first, they will grow up to think that they should ALWAYS be first and will have a twisted view on marriage and be selfish.  My husband and I take great care of our children, they are very happy -- but we ALWAYS put our marriage and one another first, ALWAYS.

To say you want his children to "get lost of your lives" is an awful thing to say.  I understand that they may be a burden to you if you are not close with them or do not have a good relationship with them, but you need to realize that this is their life to.  I understand that this is your spouse, but this is THEIR father.  They deserve to have their father around, and have loving, considerate parents.  Step parents are parents too.

I'm a step mother, but my step son lives with me full time.  He only visits with his mother for a few hours a week, and I work from home so I spend just about all day every day with him, he's in my care 24/7.  I suppose that's a bit different than having your step children visit every other weekend, but I have a wonderful, close relationship with my step son.  I call him my son, and he loves and respects me like a mother.  We do everything together and are very close.  Try bonding with your step children when they come over on weekends.  Be their friend, their confidant.  Allow them to talk to you about anything, and try to include them in almost everything you do while they're visiting.  

You're being selfish, thinking "these kids are ruining my life and relationship!" but you're not seeing that this is THEIR life too.  They're just trying to grow up and make it in the world like the rest of us.. do them a favor and be a good role model and influence, and be good to them.  When they get older, they remember who was there for them -- trust me.

Why are you jealous of his children?  Is he putting them before you, or treating you differently around them?  The two of you need to put each other and your relationship as a priority to everything else.  He should be just as affectionate and give you just as much attention when his kids are around.  If he chooses to neglect you for his children, maybe you should move on and find someone who will put you as a priority.  If he lavishes his children with attention while they are visiting that's fine as long as he includes you -- he doesn't see them as often as he'd like I'm sure.  If you're being included in all activities, that's good!

I just think you need to step back from the situation and realize that as long as you and your relationship are his top priorities, you'll be fine.  Give those kids the wonderful life they deserve though and be a good step mother!

Good luck!

Answer 11

if you still feel this way after 4 years, go ahead and end it. you will only make yourself and everyone else misreable.

its tough to have a blended family...alot of people cannot handle it. find someone who doesnt have kids, and start fresh.

Answer 12

This is definitely your problem. These are his children and they are not going to go away. You either need to accept them into your life without jealousy or malice, or get out of his. There is no leeway on this. He has commitments to his children, and that is never going to change. They don't just disappear because you came along. If you can't handle it (and some people can't) you need to tell him this and end the relationship. You say you love this guy, well, you need to love and accept ALL parts of his life, not just what is convenient to you. He has a past that involves his children, and that will continue in the future, with or without you.  

Answer 13

unfortunately, this boils down to two choices A.  work to accept the kids as part of your boyfriend's and your life (this won't be easy, but you have to be willing to try...it sounds like you aren't at this point.  B.  leave the relationship as this is a package deal.  

if you decide to leave, next time be honest with yourself about whether you can handle a relationship with a man with children.  this will save you a lot of time, grief, and heartache in the end.