How to deal with non-accepting parents?

Question

I'm 25 and I've been out to my parents for almost three years. When I first came out to my parents at 22 they were shocked and didn't want to talk about it. I understood their shock, and for the next year we had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about discussing the fact that I'm g*y. I figured by giving them time, they would come around.

About a year ago (after over a year of silence on the issue) I started bringing it up to my parents again--to very obvious discomfort on their part. I told them that during our year of silence, I had started dating someone (at the time we had been together for a year, it’s almost been three years now) and I really wanted them to meet him.

My mom said absolutely not. My dad said he was okay with meeting him, but would prefer to meet him with my mom.

Since that time I have pushed my parents to meet my partner. My mom especially won't budge, she says she's "not ready" and since I came out she has immersed herself in reading the Bible. I recently found out from my sister that when I'm not around she says things like "I wish he would give up that sinful lifestyle" or "he just hasn't found the right girl yet" but keeps mum when she’s around me.

About two months ago I hit my breaking point. I put my foot down and said that I can no longer have a relationship with them if they refuse to meet a very important person in my life--my partner. Since that time they have reached out to me, saying they don’t want to lose me in their life, but are still not willing to meet him.

What do I do in this situation? My partner and I live halfway across the country from my parents, so I only see them a handful of times per a year, but I still want them to meet him.

Answer 1

Don't push. nudge yes, push no. All that will do is cause resentment not only with you parents, but eventually with your bf. Yes they do need to know who is in your life and will eventually have to deal with him in some way. When all else fails, cut off contact for a while, I know that may sound harsh, but sometimes it takes time away to make up for time lost. You could ambush them with a surprise meeting, but you would have to plan that one carefully. They seem to be the ones acting "childish" and you might want to tell them so.

Answer 2

just let them know that if they want to have a relationship with their son that they are going to have to be accepting of you being g*y and accept your boyfriend. my aunt met a guy that she really liked but he was quite a bit older so my grandparents wouldn't let them be together but they went out and eloped and told my grandparents if they wanted a relationship with her then they had to accept her husband then hung up the phone and never called back and in about a month they invited her and her husband to come out and since then everything has been great. hope this helps  

Answer 3

I'm feeling you on this one.  My mom lives 12 miles from me and will not let me bring anyone to her home, regardless of what s*x they are.  She talks to me like I'm the demon seed especially when she is pissed at me if she speaks at all.  It's really hard and if it were not for my daughter, her grandchild, I would completely cut all ties.  I feel that if she really loved me she would accept me and want to be a part of my life.  It tears me up inside because she is still my mom.  I just get really fed up with the comments and slurs.  My mom also preaches to met hat I'm going to h**l and when she gets on a rant, I can feel the hate in her voice.  It's really sad.  I try not to argue, I just say, you know mom, "I love you, even when I don't like you" and I hang up the phone or leave.  You know, you can't push him on them, if they are not ready, there's not alot you can do about it.  I, like you wish my mom could see what a wonderful person my girlfriend is and how happy she makes me.  She just doesn't understand.  And unfortunately some parents never will....

Answer 4

You are doing the correct thing (putting your foot down).

Your answer to your mother (& father) is simple:  "I want you in my life too.  But, I am an adult now.  If you are going to be a part of my life you must accept me for who I am and you must welcome the people I love into your life.  I will always love you and I accept your limitations, but I will not put the other people I love in the humiliating position of being ignored by family because you find it "difficult" or "embarrassing" or whatever."

Give them as much time as they need.  Send Birthday and Christmas cards, but refuse to see them until they accept your partner "as if" he were your girlfriend rather than your boyfriend.

I went through a modified version of your situation when my partner and I committed to each other (18 year ago).  In my case my parents got by "easy" as I didn't settle down until I was in my 30's.  I made it very clear that my partners family (who accepted us unconditionally) was the "A" family and they would just have to do without me until they accepted him, too.  My mother was also the hardcore hold out.  They warmed up pretty quickly...deep freeze for a few months...and out of the cold in about a year...I also had brothers and a sister "working on them."

Best of luck.

Answer 5

I don´t know much about the g*y issues, but your question touched me.

It must be sad for you.

Obviously it was too shocking news for your mum when she heard.. I don´t understand why is it something unacceptable for her..but obviously it is...

I hope you don´t force them or better to say her too much...

Give her some more time.

Or perhaps you try talking to her in private, explain you were simply born that way, it was not your choice, its just that way and you cannot change it. Perhaps she doesn´t get that yet.

Answer 6

Love, you are spending way too much time trying to get them to accept you, don't worry yourself so about things like that, if you are happy please just be happy.

Answer 7

I would let them know that their behavior is hurtful and not acceptable.  If they choose to continue, then they would no longer be a part of my life.  I would let them know that the door is open for them to come back in my life, if they are willing to make a better effort, but until then sorry.

Answer 8

Just wait till they meet him. You never know they just might like him!

Answer 9

Force them to meet him.  Next time you go to visit them, bring him along.  If they kick you out or become rude, have a back up place to go.  Maybe meeting him will make them realize how much you guys are in love.  I know this answer is kind of manipulative, but you could do it in a way that is forceful to them.  Perhaps, they could meet you at a restaurant- that way they could leave if things become unbearable for them.

Answer 10

Your parents sound like they are from the 1950's and 60's era.My mom is always talking about MEN and how they should act.She thinks we should look like a hairy lumberjack.Best advice is dont push it or you will lose your parents.If you really want to introduce your boyfriend just say he is a drinking buddy or a close friend.

Answer 11

I've learned that you can't force something upon someone. If your parents [mom] doesn't want to meet him, just let it go.. there's nothing more you can do. My policy is, if you don't accept me.. you're out of my life. I can't deal with the negitivy and I don't want to.

Answer 12

I think what you did about putting your foot down was perfect.

And let them know that it hurts you. Say i can't stand that just because i'm happy with this man right here (and have him there and like shake him a little while you do that hehe just trying to lighten the mood) and that if you guys can't accept my lifestyle than i'd rather not have you in it at all.

I don't want you guys in it knowing that everytime you see me you wish i was someone else.

BTW, if you can, convince your dad to meet him, maybe by your dad being able to face it, it will give your mom the courage to do it too.

I know you care about them being that your asking but your parents are still humans and have faults. And being that your an adult you should know when to speak up.

Goodluck. I do believe they all come around eventually.