How to deal with non-listening 10 year old?

Question

We have 10 y/o girl who lives with us, (she is a family member) who has been thru a sexual and physically abused past by a family member and also lost her mother last year in an accident by a drunk driver.

Our issue is her listening. She will not listen to us for anything. She is not a bad child at all. We have tried the whole earn stuff by being good. We used a chart with a list of chores then activities we could do if she does her chores and is good but that never worked. Now we are using grounded to her room as punishment and the way it is right now she has been grounded to her for like a month and it is not working. She continues to not listen. Sometimes its over silly stuff but I know it will lead to further problems if its not addressed now. Some things is like her bedtime. It is 9:00, she will lay down then we will catch her watching tv. We will make it known we knew she was and make sure she knows that is punishable but then again like 10 minutes later she will do it again. The other night it was up until at least midnight she got caught watching tv 4 times and her bedtime was 9.

Any advice would help. Thanks.

Answer 1

Take the TV out of her room to start.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like she doesn't have trouble getting to sleep. That would imply that she wants to go to sleep at 9. Rather, she wants to stay awake and watch TV. You want her to go to sleep at 9 she wants to stay up. Different people need different amounts of sleep (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6546... and the important thing is that she adopts a sleep pattern that suits her and learns how to manage her sleep. And the only way for her to learn that is for her to try out different sleep patterns. You can't tell her what the right amount of sleep is because you don't know.

And as for making her do chores, are you really saying that the best use of a 10-year-old girl's time is to clean your house or whatever instead of finding some new interest? And are you also saying that the best way for her to learn how to clean a house so that she can cope when she has a house of her own is for you to force her to do it? Different people like different amounts of clutter, some are less bothered by dust than others and so on. She should learn how to fit cleaning in with the rest of her life and that is incompatible with being forced to do it according to somebody else's schedule.

More generally, if she doesn't heed your advice on some topic that may mean your advice doesn't suit the problems she has at the time. You can't help her learn how to get on in the world or help her to get over whatever problems she currently has without understanding her point of view. You should learn to come up with ideas for what to do that both you and she prefer to your original ideas: common preferences, see http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/.

Answer 3

first off there should be no tv books or radios in her room for her to have the chance to use them second she need help have you gotten her any help through the school or any place else she need professional help a councilor would be good for her and last she is pushing your buttons that's what 10 years old do mine is a boy and pushes all my buttons make her write sentences he hates that just sitting and writing drives him crazy but most of all get her the help she needs

Answer 4

You should disapline her by takeing away privliges, but to be honest she is gonna act up for awhile if she endured that pain. All you can do is love and suport her, and treat her as if she was your kid.

Answer 5

If she's not able to handle being in the same room with the TV, when she's supposed to be sleeping, then the TV should be taken out of the room.  It's not a punishment, it's simply parenting, supervising her in situations where she does not yet make good choices for herself.  

It sounds like she is listening, she's just not doing as she's told to do.  Try to keep your expectations & requests realistic & reasonable.  Help her learn *why* it is that you want her to do things the way you do.  In our house, the rules are really simple - be polite, be safe, be healthy.  Any request we make of the kids stems from one of those basic rules.  

Then, if they don't do as we ask, we explain how their choice was not healthy, safe or polite.  If the child seems to understand & seems capable of making a good choice the next time, we help them to do that with reminders, prompts & encouragement when the situation pops up again.  If they don't seem to get it, then we take that choice away from them until they are emotionally & intellectually developed enough to take it on themselves.  

So, for her health, she needs to get sleep.  She is choosing the TV instead.  Explain that to her.  Ask her if she thinks she can keep the TV off after bedtime.  If not, then the TV needs to be taken from her room.  

It could be, too, that she's using the TV as a soothing sound & light after bedtime.  If that's the case, help her find something else that is equally soothing for her, but not distracting to the point that it keeps her awake.  Nightlight, meditation music on a cd player, etc.

Edit to add:  I would like to echo what Ba A said, too.  She's probably spent much of her life so far building a lack of trust in others (both real, in the case of the abusers & psychological in the case of her mother's passing).  She's learned she has to build walls, assert her independence & rely on herself.  You've got to find a way to break down those walls & get to that little child in there who, no matter what defense mechanisms she's created, needs the safety of a trusted adult in her life.

Answer 6

why cant she watch tv in her room when shes going to be... you seem liek good people.. but she obviosly has been through a lot. cut her a little slack.

Answer 7

When she doesn't listen..take away a toy or item that she likes.

Dolls, ipod, computer privelages whatever she likes.

Grounding isn't a strong enough consequence.

It sounds like she's been through a lot in her young life..but you'll help her tremendously if you are strict with her..She needs to learn where the proper boundries are..

Answer 8

Put yourself in her shoes.  Would you "listen" to someone who's clearly only interested in manipulation and control?  The first thing you have to do to get someone to take what you have to say seriously is to not be at war with them.

Answer 9

Ä°t's a way of protecting herself by testing your limits. As Ä° was a child who sounds similar to the one you are describing, Ä°'d recommend a non-labeling form of counseling with an experienced caring therapist. And Ä°'d recommend therapy for you too, because she probably won't be able to trust for a long time- it' a life or death defense mechanism for her. I'd just suggest that if you really care about her, be patient with her and keep those boundaries enforced because she's going to need them to feel safe again. Again a good therapist should be able to help.  

Answer 10

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Try a spanking!