How to deal with overbearing inlaws?

Question

Let me start by saying my husband and I moved 5 states/10 hours away from our families after we got married so that we had a fresh start and to make it a point that our priority was going to one another and our new family. Two years after moving here my parents remain back in NJ and my inlaws have managed to get closer to us by purchasing a condo in SC so are now only 3 hours away.

We now have an 8 month beautiful baby girl, who is the first grandchild for both his parents and my parents. My husband and I have always dreamt big and accordingly have expenses which require both of us to work full time. So I spend my weekdays watching the clock anxiously awaiting 5pm to be able to spend a couple hours at night with my baby girl and friday afternoon to get the weekend with her.

So to my problem - my inlaws have decided that they have the right to visit every weekend, or to guilt my husband into fighting with me until I give in and drag the baby and I to myrtle beach to visit them - where I proceed to be as miserable as you can imagine. I certainly do not mind an occassional visit but it is becoming too much! As selfish as it sounds I am tired sharing the limited time I get with my daughter every weekend. When they visit, unlike when my parents visit, they think they have a right to spoil her, saying things like "grandpa wouldn't make you ride in the car seat" when she cries about having to go in it, have even taken to prying her out of my arms a few times, and will do anything they can to block her from seeing me if I am in the room so she will continue playing with them.

And if you think I sound selfish based on this you haven't met my inlaws. They will complain we dont feed them when they visit, but yet they don't tell us they are coming and I therfore can't plan meals. You tell them you have something planned for a particular time, they show up two hours late. On their birthdays, anniversary, grandparents day, the day their cats were born, the day jfk was shot, (you get my point that its just about every day) everyone around them is supposed to be greatful to spend time with them. These are not people I would spend even a single waking moment with except for that my husband can't stand up to them.

I may just be venting here as I am not sure there is a real answer to my question. But beyond having my husband, who already feels stuck in the middle, address it, anyone have any suggestions on how to approach them?

Answer 1

Have him set the rules with his family, the two of you decide, (in the same way that you would deal with your family, he should deal with his.

It's time for him to say "NO!" to his parents, (they would never accept it from you, your the girl that stole their son.)

Sit down with your husband, ask for his help, buy him a book on boundaries, it's time for him to step up to the plate.

If they are showing up unannounced, don't be home.  Be at the park, the mall.........go see your parents for the weekend, (unless they are just as bad).

Cell phones have caller ID, if he can't stand up to them, when they call and ask where you are, don't answer.

If it gets so bad you can't handle it, throw them out.

Don't get angry, simply say what your saying here, you need and deserve time alone with your child and husband, tell them to leave.

This is a total last resort.  It would be much better if your husband would provide them with some limits.

Luck

ADDITIONAL: That's tough......maybe to get the point across, he should tell them their not welcome in your home..........until and unless something changes.

His main responsibility is not to appease his parents, it's to protect you, and your kids together.

It's almost come down to a choice, who would he rather have happy with him, his kids and you, or his folks?

From your description, they seem like the kind of people used to getting their own way, and willing to do whatever to win,  

The really bad news is, this problem could become worse when the kids become teens, unless it is dealt with now

Sorry

Answer 2

Am no pro, this is just my opinion.

Your husband has a new family to prioritize for now. You, him & your child's happiness is priority over his original family (of parents and children).

To put it to your husband logically, would it work if your parents were the same as his? My guess is no.

In order for this to work, your husband must stand up to his parents. Your in-laws need to be put in their place, in a loving way of course.

If you can do this without offending them, let me know how you did it :)

Answer 3

Talk to your husband about this, and remind him that you moved away to be away from both families.

Suggest a compromise - rather than having to see them every single weekend, make it every second or third weekend.

If they don't like it, too bad. But make it clear to your husband that every weekend is absolutely not on anymore.  

Answer 4

Jeez, your in-laws and my in-laws should get together.....

This whole situation is your husband's fault. When he married you, he made a commitment to a life with you SANS PARENTS!! This passive thing he's got going on is not good. You need to ask him to stop this. He needs to stand up for you. If he won't, then maybe you need to think about taking your family elsewhere again. If he's immature enough to be oblivious to his parents' manipulations, then he need to be as far away from them as possible anyway. I'm sorry but that's the only way to deal with this situation without it coming to a full out war between you, your husband, and his family.

Remember that this is really hard for him too. tell you that you appreciate the difficult position that he's in, but that you are the mother of his child and what you say (regarding your child's welfare) goes. Good luck! I hope everything works out.

On a side note: Saying "Grandpa wouldn't make you sit in your carseat." to your daughter hints at some MAJOR problems. First, obviously, they would endanger your child if left alone with her. Second, they are turning you into the badguy to your daughter. They are beginning to manipulate her now, too. You need to deal with this ASAP.

Answer 5

First...Everybody wants more money. You need to fix the first problem. It sounds like you need more Mom time. Baby's grow up only once and right now the time you are not spending with your baby will be lost forever..you can't make it back. Why can't you work part time instead? You would keep the job flowing, reduce the money you spend on a baby sitter. There is a trade off how many hours is needed to pay anyway. Once you have more time with your baby...you should start feeling a lot better. Second...it seems like you are not in control of your own weekends...the in-laws are trying to dominate it. That's a tough one. You need to have a long conversation with your husband. Be careful...they are his parents. I have lost my Dad and my Mom. They have both died and they have not ever seen my kids and my kids will have no memories about them other then pictures. Don't rob your them nor your baby of that gift...That can not be replaced.  Take Care

Answer 6

Dealing with in-law problems is unfortunately very common, as well as trying to deal with mother-in-law problems, so it's extremely important that you and your husband be united in setting boundaries for the relationship with the parents that is best for you as a couple.

You have every right to spend time with your child without the pressure to share your time with family members every single weekend. You also have the right to make decisions about what is and is not acceptable behavior by the in-laws in regards to spoiling your child, feeding your child, having your child safely secured in a car seat etc.

Talk with your husband and set boundaries on the relationship with the in-laws, that both you and your husband will stick to, and make these boundaries clear to the parents in a respectful way.

Answer 7

Unfortunately there is not much you can do if your husband is not willing to stand up to them.  You and your husband need to come up with a visiting schedule that you can both agree on.  It is great that his parents want to visit so often and see their grandchild, but it seems a little much for every weekend.  I can't help to think that maybe you are a little selfish because you moved 10 hours away from your families to be alone.  You guys kind of set yourself up for this.  If you lived in the same town with them they might visit every weekend, but instead of them staying with you the whole weekend they would probably visit for a few hours.  You may even have gotten some free childcare during the week when you are at work.  I honestly believe that having the extended family around my children is very important. They adore their grandparents, aunts, and uncles tremendously and I don't mind sharing them with people who love them.

Answer 8

Try to sit down with your hubby and work out a mutual way to handle his parents. He must back you up or it won't work. You must stand up to them and be firm and tell them how you feel and what your needs are. It is not about them and they need to learn that just because they have reached the age they are, does not mean they should have respect and their way. She is your daughter not their's, you are her mother, not them. Be prepared for a fight though because it sounds like they are very self absorbed. Be strong and try not to let them bully you. Good luck.  

Answer 9

You have to explain to your hubby that you moved for this specific reason. I do not envy your task. You two need to write up some rules for both sets of grandparents so it doesn't look like you are just picking on them! If you are coming over you must call ahead a couple of days prior to the arrival! You must abide by the rules about spoiling the child . This way they can't just drop by when they get bored! The hardest part is getting your man to grow a pair!

Answer 10

you can say no, i am sorry but we have other plans this weekend and won't be able to visit with you. you are going to hurt their feelings because that sounds like all they are concerned about, they will get over it.  Its not too late to set boundaries, and since your husband doesn't want to do it, then you have to be the bad guy, and do it for yourself..of course there is the other option of just tolerating it. good luck

Answer 11

It is time for your husband to cut the apron strings, grow a set, and tell his parents "NO!"

You could also, without necessarily telling your husband, take your baby on a play date to a friend's house right before you know his parents are due to show up.  They can sit around and do nothing with their son while you spend time with your baby socializing.  If they stay the night, get up early the next morning and head out with the baby again.  Maybe they'll get the point that way if your husband is too much of a pansy to stand up to them and be his own man.

The only other things I can think of is to hog the baby while they visit, don't let them feed her or hold her or change her, make sure you have minimal groceries in the house (except baby food), make sure the sheet on the guest bed haven't been washed and if they don't like pets, get one.

Answer 12

BOy...... this is a tough one I too moved away not ten but 16 hours to get aways from both, but my prob. is my family not his..... start planning trips to the zoo on the wekkend and other things to do..... ahead of time don't let your hubby know it's because his parents you won't win trust me on that. always try to be the victim (lol) try to stay busy! on your days off. plan ahead!

Answer 13

I would give them real reason to not like me. They wouldn't be allowed to tell me what to do or how to raise my baby. I'd tell them off.