How to deal with toddler lying?

Question

Hello all!

I'm looking for a little advice in regards to toddlers and lying. I have a 3 1/2 year old little boy and over the last few weeks my husband and I have noticed that he is doing a lot of lying to stay out of trouble. Sometimes he will do something right in front of us and then lie right to our faces about it. For example: he will break a toy we are playing with on purpose and I'll ask him why he did that and his immediate response is "Mathew did it" (Mathew is our middle son who is 2). When I try to explain to him what a lie is and what the truth is I'm not sure he is completely understanding me. I know he understands that if he does something wring he has to have a time out. And he obviously has figured out that if he hides the truth we may not find out and then he doesn't have any consequences.

Our most recent incident was just about 20 minutes ago. My husband went to pop in a DVD into our player and it got stuck. After futher examination we relized that one of the trays (player holds 5 DVD's) was completely missing. When we called our son down to ask him if he knew where the piece was his first response was "Mathew broke it". I asked him why he thought it was broken because all I asked him was if he knew where the piece was. I know that if Mathew had broken it he would have come to us right away and said "look Mommy, it's broke". My dilemna with this is that I don't want to blame Ethan (3 1/2) as even though my gut tells me it was him, I don't have proof he did it. I also don't want him to think that lying to get out of trouble is okay. How do I explain lying and the truth so that he will understand it? Or is this a concept that I can't explain until he gats a bit older? Any advice from parents of tots would be appreciated.

Answer 1

Small children don't understand the concept of lying, he isn't lying.  But he does have an imagination.  With you lecturing about what a lie is you're only confusing him because he doesn't understand the difference between his imagination (what YOU call a lie) and reality.  He doesn't think like an adult he thinks like a 4 year old.  My oldest used to tell me that our dog Sandy knocked the lamp over or our cat Moose pulled all of the pictures out of the photo albums, this is the way they see it in their heads.  You son doesn't know he is going to get into trouble if he breaks something so he has no reason to lie about it.  What you CAN do is show him what is wrong then tell him ..."if you see this happen again could you come and tell me so I can fix it?"  All you are doing is scaring your child out of having an imagination and that is truly sad.  It has been proven that adults who were allowed to have good imaginations grow up to be far more intelligent adults...don't believe me read "The Last Lecture" by the late Randy Pausch...

Answer 2

Since he is PRESCHOOLER at 3 1/2 he is old enough to learn the difference between the truth and lying.  If you don't have proof you can't really do anything this time. What you can do though is explain to him what a lie is.  

Get several toys or even some paper and crayons.  You can draw with one color that he knows on the paper and tell him "this is blue" even though it may be red. See if he can tell you if it isn't and then explain to him "that is what a lie is. You say something you know isn't right and it's wrong to do."  You could do the same thing with one or two of his toys and say that the teddy bear just talked to you out loud or that he just danced on the table in front of you when you weren't near him to illustrate the point.

Once your sure he understands explain to him what the consequence will be next time he says something that isn't true and then follow through when he does.

Answer 3

He's three and has a younger brother that he can blame things on. Just give give him the opportunity to lie.  You have the answer why he lies .  He stays out of trouble.  When he misbehaves just put him in time out don't ask him why he did it or if he did it just put him in his time out then he won't be able to lie

Answer 4

Don't punish him when he tells the truth...Then he'll tell the truth more often.

Answer 5

Its good to know that people take very valid, logical questions and turn them into a joke(see above)i understand what you are saying, and I am not exactly sure what could be done in this situation. he has already learned the concept of manipulation and how to get or stay out of trouble by blaming others. It has to nipped now, cant let it go. he is too young to realize how important the truth is, or even what the truth is. he is playing with this right now. do not, whatever you do, punish him if he does something and DOES tell the truth. Explain why whatever he did is something he is not supposed to do.......................gently, but very firmly. if he lies and you know it, punish him swiftly. Time out is good, take away something that he will really miss, (age appropriate)so that he understands why it is wrong to lie and why it is better to tell the truth even though it could result in a punishment of sorts. teach that lying is usually found out later anyway, and the punishment may be more severe than if the truth is told immediately. Good Luck, this is a toughie.

Answer 6

Tell him the story of pinnochio(or watch the movie) and tell him if he lies his nose will grow too!