How to deal with traumatic death of pet?

Question

My husband had a car accident this morning and is at home recovering from broken ribs. We are extremely fortunate that he is alive at all. He had our two dogs with him and both of them actually survived the crash and the subsequent fall into a ravine. One of them, however, went into the road and was hit and instantly killed.

My little baby! It hurts so terribly. I am grieving and it is hard for me to even look at my husband or the surviving dog without falling apart inside. I am trying to grieve in my own way and be strong for my husband as he heals and to be a good Mommy to the other dog.

My husband is miserable. He is strong but not in great health and now has six broken bones and a broken heart. He feels her death is his fault, that he shouldn't have had the dogs with him. To make matters worse, the other dog is avoiding him a bit, which makes my husband think the dog thinks the death of the dog is his fault. He can't even cry because crying hurts his chest so bad.

I've tried so many things to relieve him of this burden, that it wasn't his fault. She didn't die in the impact and she didn't drown, someone else hit her on a foggy road. It hurts even more so because she survived the accident only to be killed!! I've tried to find a purpose behind all of this, explain to him a lot of what-ifs, a lot of reasons why she might have been taken away from us like this. It's just so traumatic.

How can I help my dear husband grieve? He is stuck in bed and can barely move or even cry. How can he grieve and try to heal himself when he needs to have a positive attitude to heal?

Answer 1

u know the bible says that animals dont have souls so they cant go to heaven.....but i think when they die they are reborn somewhere else......

Answer 2

just know that he is in a better place and he is not suffering and he is happy

Answer 3

I recently lost my pet cat, whom I'd had for 19 years.  I can tell you that what you and your husband are experiencing is perfectly normal.  

A lot of people don't understand the connection we have to our pets.  They are family; they are like children, sisters, brothers, close cousins, best friends, and in some cases even like parents.  The pain we experience at the loss of a pet is overwhelming BECAUSE they meant so much to us.  You should remind your husband that the reason he is grieving so hard is because he cared so much, and your dog knows this!!!  

One thing that helped me tremendously was to research grief.  I know it sounds strange but there is actually a science behind it, and it comforted me beyond belief to know that it was a natural part of the process and I was not going crazy.  Guilt and anger are a big part of that process - you can feel guilty for even the most trivial thing or something that was completely beyond your control, as your husband is experiencing.  You may also feel unbelievable rage... at the veterinarian, at yourself, at the world, even at your deity/ies, if you have any.  Hallucinations are not uncommon.  This is all normal, and again, a reminder of how much your pet meant to you.  You have to come to terms with the fact that there is no purpose or reason for what happened.  But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, because (and I am speaking from experience here) this will make you and your husband stronger in many, many ways.  

But also remember that you should not expect so much of yourself.  If it is possible, I would recommend that you bring someone close, a family member or good family friend, in to care for your husband for a bit.  You need time for yourself so that YOU can think this over and grieve in your own way, or you will never be strong enough to care for him and help him in his grief.

Also, it would probably be helpful to understand that although your other dog may be avoiding one or both of you, this is his or her way of grieving.  Animals grieve too, and in different ways.  I have 3 cats now, and when my Bud passed away, they each dealt with it in different ways.  Lexx, now the eldest, avoided everyone during the day but became suddenly very needy at night when we went to bed, like she was afraid we were leaving her.  Voodoo curled up in her corner and barely left it for 2 weeks (she was hit the hardest because Bud was like a mentor to her... she would follow him around, literally mimicking him).  Sophie stopped being the living terror she normally is and actually sat by our sides and took care of us.    So each dealt with their grief in their own manner.  Your other dog is just expressing her grief in the only way she knows how, which is what you two will need to do as well.

There are also lots of great resources for grieving pet owners (or ownees, more accurately).  I recommend rainbowbridge.com.  Speaking to a faith leader, if you have one, often helps.  There might be a pet grief counselor or group in your area.  Other people have found comfort in more mystical approaches, such as tarot or pendulum readings about their lost pet.  Then there is the more traditional method of mourning, which is to memorialize your pet.  Caskets, urns, jewelry, trees, and even tattoos can help you remember your pet and give you a modicum of control in a situation where you feel otherwise helpless.  There are several websites that offer all sorts of products.  We had a lock of Bud's fur cut after we put him to sleep, which I carried in a sort of locket around my neck until I was ready to move on.  This gave me an enormous amount of comfort... really, you have no idea.  We went to a concert a couple weeks after he died, and I wore the necklace to the concert.  I used to sing this artist's songs to Bud when he and I were young, and it was like he was there with me and I could sing those songs to him again.  You can also place donations to charities in your pet's name, sponsor trees, or even have a tree or bench installed in a local park.  There is even a service that will take your pet's ashes and create a diamond out of it.  Find what's right for you, and do it.  It's not stupid if it helps and sometimes even the most trivial idea (such as taking a lock of fur in my case) can help you through this most trying time.

My sympathies go out to you and your family.  I know very well the pain that such a horrible thing causes and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But I'm certain that you will find a way to work beyond the grief, and as my grandmother told me when I lost Bud "The pain goes away, but the memories NEVER do."  

Answer 4

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it must be very painful and hard to understand. I know your husband is blaming himself, but he didn't expect to get in an accident and he could not help the circumstances. Things happen without reason, things we cannot explain. Just pray that the Lord will be with you and help you through this difficult time.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.

There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

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