How to deal with your sister giving a child up for adoption?

Question

i am so happy that my sister gave her baby up for adoption. the problem is, is that my family is still attached to the child and still call the baby theirs. meanwhile their only grandson, my son is put on the back burner for this baby that isn't even theirs anymore. i am frustrated and doen right pissed off because my son is put second, even my grandmother will not see my son but made a huge deal about seeing the other baby.

i was not near the family when all of this went down, i have meet the child and do not feel any conection with him because i feel that he has been given to a great wonderful family and that he is now not a part of our family.

my husband is also adopted and i would never consider his birth mother to be an actually part of the family, don't get me wrong we are very grateful to her, but thats as far as it goes.

how can i convey this to my family in a tactful manner.

Answer 1

Your family is going through loss, and on some level grief.  Let them have that.  Give them some time.  Maybe they just need to adjust to the adoption.  Maybe they were not supportive of it to begin with?

Unfortunately, someone other than you will have to set the tone, and sounds like no one is.  But the last thing you need to do is set up some sort of resentment-jealousy-anger response.  This will backfire, and the person who will be most affected will be your little son!

You cannot convery this in a tactful manner because they are not ready to deal with it. They may never, but there is nothing you can do but carry on your life and your son's relationship with them as best you can.  I suspect there may be a lot more going on here than we know.  If your grandmother won't see you son, it sounds like that may be about you, your mate, your choices in life, etc.  And is it possible you had some less than positive feelings about your sister before this came up?  Try to take a realistic look at that, and see if that is possible.

Be careful not to make this about your son when it may not be at all!  Because of your attitude, he may grow up thinking he is being shunned or rejected!  Not good for his self concept at all.  Would you rather be right, or model positive attitudes so your son can grown up happy and healthy?

And also be careful -- your attitudes about adoption are getting kind of muddy.  You sound less than understanding and positive about your sister's choice, and there are even underpinnings about your husband's birthmother coming through as well.  I understand this is all being colored by your hurt and jealousy.  But you really need to get over it, and move on.  Otherwise your negative attitude can affect the self concept of your husband and your son, and your sister.

Good luck!

Answer 2

They may just need some time, how long ago did the adoption take place? Its unfortunate  that your son is in such a position hopefully he is too young to really register any of this. You might encourage them in a kind way that they have a grandchild right there, that they can give their love and attention too.

Is this an open adoption? You talk about the family wanting to see this baby or is that just a desire of theirs.

Answer 3

sounds like you need to talk to a clergy or a therapist

Answer 4

Some people just need more time then others. Relinquishment is very hard. It is hard not only for the mother but for the family as well. They spent 9 months watching her change and grow knowing there was a precious child in her belly who would soon be in this world. A lot of times, when women miscarry or give up for adoption, it is so hard b/c they are more giving up the dream of that child. The dream of watching them grow, graduate college, get married and have kids of their own. It is the dream that is often hard to let go of.

I would just keep encouraging mom that she made a good decision no matter how hard it seems. The greatest gift she could give her child was a better life. I know the bay is not legally part of the family, but emotionally the baby still is -- and more so to the mom and family then the baby will be when grown up. Does that make sense? I think you just need to give them more time.

But DO explain to them that you are hurt that they are giving more attention to the baby that has been given up, then to the children that are right there in front of them. You know how emotionally hard it is for all of them, and how fresh this wound is, but try to see that your grandchildren here need you too. (kind of approach it like when a mom looses a child that dies. Often time they have to make themselves come around to take care of the children that are still living.....)

Answer 5

its not ur kid so unless u screwed ur sister its none of ur beeswax and deal with it!!!!!!!!

           P.S. I RULE

Answer 6

"i am so happy that my sister gave her baby up for adoption."

=o(  What an awful thing to say.  Losing a child to adoption, even when that loss is by choice is devastating.  Never wish that loss anyone, let alone be so happy for a person when it happens.

"even my grandmother will not see my son but made a huge deal about seeing the other baby. "

Either

1. there is something not quite right about your relationship with your grandma.

2. you live too far away and the other grandchild lives closer.

3. she thought that the adoption was going to be closed and went to say goodbye.

"i have meet the child and do not feel any conection with him because i feel that he has been given to a great wonderful family and that he is now not a part of our family."

=o(  Again, that is a really awful thing to say.  Just because your sister relinquished her parental rights, does not mean she is not a mother to that child.  She is a mother of origin, and she will always have a connection with that child regardless of contact, visits, etc...

You have very old school ideas of adoption, and that's where your feelings are coming from.

"my husband is also adopted and i would never consider his birth mother to be an actually part of the family,"

=o(  She is though.  She is his mother.  Don't get your hackles up by that statement.  I realize that he has a mother, who raised him and loved him and that he doesn't need another mother.  Having a mother of origin bears no threat to those feelings of love for the mother he knows.

"how can i convey this to my family in a tactful manner."

You can't.  Women who place their children for adoption don't move on and pretend that the child doesn't exist.  When this stigma was in place during the baby scoop era, it had tremendous affects on the women in very unpleasant ways.  Pick up a copy of "The Girls Who Went Away" and read for yourself.  Take a look at the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute report on Safeguarding the Rights and *Well-being* of birthparents.  The well-being part of the report will illustrate this point too.  http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publica...

"it's an open adoption and it has been 8 months and nothing has gotten better."

If you read the two things I mentioned just above, you will see that it takes a long time to grieve the loss of a child to adoption.  While the child is not dead, the grief process is very much the same and one does not get over it this soon.

Also, this is an open adoption whether you approve or not.  You will not win any sympathy or respect by insulting or judging that relationship.  Please see this link to learn more about open adoption.

http://www.openadoptionsupport.com/

http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/

This is not like your husband's adoption.  You cannot use that relationship in comparison to your sister's adoption situation.

"my husband is the one that has the harder time eith all of this and he is the one that is adopted. i don;'t think that i would get upset but i see how it is affecting my son and when he asks me why his grandparents always talk about this other child and not him, that tends to hit a nerve."

How does your son know that if he doesn't see them?!?  Also, how does your son ask that when he is three months old?!?

Seriously, I think you need to seek some counseling to resolve your feelings.  You cannot control someone else's actions, you can only control how you act, react, or feel.

Answer 7

As you say, you weren't there "when all of this went down".  Your family members have experienced a real loss and are grieving.  If your son is around and they actually do something that is hurtful to him, talk to them about it, but, in the meantime, try to be supportive, especially to your sister.  This has truly been a traumatic time for her and while you "do not feel any connection" to this baby, your sister and other family members feel a strong one.  It is not that your son is less important to them.  It's just that they know they will be able to see him.  You might say something gentle like, "I know you are hurting and missing ___, but I wish you could enjoy the grandchild you have right here.  He misses his time with you."

Answer 8

I wonder if you're family is paying so much attention to the child because he is gone.  You know the saying- absence makes the heart grow fonder...  

First, I think you need to let your sister know you support her.

Second, I think you need to confront the family.  Let them know that you think it is not healthy to guilt your sister about a decision already made (it can't feel good for her either).  At that time, address the fact that they are giving the baby more attention than your child has ever gotten.

This may need to happen over the phone, which is no good, but the sooner the better.  You need to address this before bitterness takes over (and it will!)  Good luck!

Answer 9

though spoochys POV was a little extreme, I hate to say it but I agree...it sounds like youre just pissed because you and your child arent the center of attention anymore.

FYI - just because the "BIRTHMOM" relinquished her rights as a parent does NOT mean she isn't family.  After all, she is this child's flesh and blood.  As an adoptive mom you should understand that....it sounds to me like youre child will probably grow up with stories of how awful his birthmom was and what a terrible person she is....have a heart, will ya?