How to do unity candle if groom's mother is no longer with us?

Question

My boyfriend and I plan on getting married in June 2010. I am very OCD, so I plan things way ahead of time... His mother died when he was younger, he isn't fond of his step-mother, and he and his dad are not currently getting along (although I am praying they work out their differences soon).

In most of the traditional weddings I've been to, the mothers each light a taper candle at the beginning of the ceremony, and then the bride and groom take the taper lit by their mother, and together light the large unity candle. Since his mother is not alive to do this, and I'm fairly certain he would be opposed to his step-mother doing it, what other options do we have?

I have heard something involving sand, can anyone elaborate on this for me?

Answer 1

If his mother has a sister, she would be a perfect person to light the candle in memory of her sister (the groom's mother). It was be very touching for everyone. Nothing has to be said. If you have a program, you could simply state that "The groom's aunt, Jane Doe, will be lighting the grooom's candle in loving memory of the groom's mother, Mary Jones."  And "The bride's mother, Karen Smith, will be lighting the bride's candle."  

Answer 2

In my opinion, the purpose of the candle ceremony is to bond the two families to each other and to the couple.  It sounds as if his family isn't going to be terribly supportive of you two.  I think you should consider skipping the ceremony, or substituting it with another, such as sand or water.  

Answer 3

Is your bf grandmother still alive his mothers mother maybe she could stand in for his mother? Or you could just have her candle lit maybe the color different from the others to show that she is there with him on your special day.

Answer 4

Does he have a sister or aunt, grandmother,friend, anyone he is fond of? Even if you want traditional, in this non traditional world does it really matter who lights the unity candle as long as it's someone who is important to him, that wants him to have a wonderful day and for the rest of his life be happy for him?  Is there a law I don't know about unity candles and mothers being the only ones to light them?  Lets mix things up a little!  Dare to be different!  Good luck!

Answer 5

You can still do the unity candle and each light your own candle and then use them to light the unity candle.  Having mothers light the tapers is something I have seen more of in the past 10 years or so, 25 years ago, the candles were already lit before the ceremony started (by alter boys for example in a Catholic service).  It's a nice way to involve the mom's but isn't necessary.  The sand ceremony is fairly new too, blending different colors of sand into one container.  I prefer the candles but am not doing either in my ceremony.  

Answer 6

This is something new that I have heard about on yahoo. I have never seen the mothers light any candles at a wedding and I have been to many, many weddings. My husband and I took the tapers and lit them (from the candles lit on the altar - catholic wedding) and then lit the unity candle. The unity candle is about you and your new husband becoming a family. Why are the mothers involved in this? They aren't getting married. Leave them out and do it yourself. Find something else special for your mom to do that day.

The sand ceremony is taking two different colors of sand and pouring them into one vase, to blend them. Same concept - two becoming one. My friends did a sand ceremony and one couple left bottles of sand on chairs of special people in their lives and went to the aisles to collect their sand before bringing it back to combine it.  Another couple handed out sand to everyone and had everyone come up and bring them the sand. (That took a really long time) and then they combined it.

Another couple just had their own sand and combined them (no help from the peanut gallery!)

Answer 7

My husband and I each held a candle and lit the unity candle.

Answer 8

We opted not to do the unity candle because my husband didn't want his mother lighting the candle.  Since his father was just as much a part of his upbringing and they were very nastily divorced, he didn't want his dad to feel excluded.  Plus, we viewed it more along the lines of starting our own new family, rather than blending the two.  My parents didn't even meet his parents until pretty much right before the wedding, they live 600 miles apart, it's not like we spend holidays together, so it wasn't the uniting of the families, it was the beginning of a new family.

Answer 9

There are several options,

1)  Have both the parents candles already lit.

2)  Your mom could light her candle and at that time have the officiant/minister announce that your mother will be lighting his mothers candle in honor of her.

3)  The groom could light the candle when your mother is lighting her candle, and the officiant could announce that he is lighting in honor of his mother.

4)  The aunts your fiance is close to could come up and light his mother's candle.

The sand ceremony is a very popular option.  It involves 2 vases full of different color sand that will be poured together into another vase which is larger in size that symbolizes your 2 lives coming together as one.  

There are other beautiful ways to honor his mother such as a memory candle (her own candle).  Her picture in a beautiful frame with a candle lit next to it.  A mention of her in your programs.  An empty chair at the reception to honor her presence, even though she isn't there physically, her spirit will be there.  You could even lay flowers on the chair.

Best wishes to you and your family!

Answer 10

Does he have a female relative, like an aunt or grandmother, that he is close to?  Anyone he might think of as a "surrogate mother" might be a good person to do it.

Not all traditional ceremonies have the unity candle ceremony.  I got married with a full Catholic mass, and the candle was an option but not a mandatory part of the ceremony.  I opted not to do it because the ceremony was already an hour and a half without the unity candle portion.