How to explain adoption to 5 year old and 3 year old sibling?

Question

My oldest son is adopted. He was the birth child of my Brother in law and he and his girlfriend were drug addicts and he was taken into foster care before he was 1. He came to live with us shortly after and we went through the whole treatment program which they both failed every task and parental rights were finally terminated and we adopted him which we were so happy about. We are now faced with explaining things. They got pretty ugly and are still pretty stressed within the family. We see the biological father sometimes and the kids know him but I'm afraid he'll say something before we get a chance to and want to make sure it's explained but I don't want him(my son) to be confused about the situation and certainly don't want to say anything to make him think that's his "daddy" cause in no way has he ever been..we think of him more as a donor cause he never did anything for the child.

Thanks for help!

Answer 1

i think you tell him...if he finds out from another person..it will crush him...you can start introducing the word adoption and talk about brad and angelina and how they adopted babies that they didnt have...and slowly tell him thats how you got him..you chose him..he didnt live in your belly but he is now in your heart and your little boy..and let him ask all the questions he wants too..i would not tell him who his birth parents are..but give him a date when you will tell him who they are..say 18..and stick with that...i was adopted and so was my youngest brother with me..he always thought everyone was adopted...and we knew from the time we could speak..i was 2 and a half he was just six months old when we were taken into foster care and adopted by those same parents when i was five..i have no relationship with them..on the other hand..he has never had a question about our birth family and thinks of our adopted parents as his family..me on theother hand i was the oldest and the outsider and knew that...they made promises they didnt keep in helping me find out who iwas and talking bad c**p about the woman who basically had me and gave me to them...which i could never figure out why they hated her so much..if they professed to love me how could you hate the one who gave birth to me...because she died when i was four..i will never understand that..but you have the opportunity with your children to make sure they always know you love them and chose them for them not so they could get the baby they always wanted...which is what my adopted parents told me..to get a baby they had to take me and i was too old...

Answer 2

Kids pick up on so much more than your words. They read your body language, tone, facial expressions etc. Do you think my daughter isn't aware of the tension in the room when I am on the phone with my ex? Effing rights she is. After a stressful conversation, no matter how little I say, she will come up and ask Ok mama?

So just explaining really isn't enough. It is obvious that you feel deep anger towards the natural parents here and trust me your child is going to pick up on that. I thought my nmom was an awful person growing up. My extended family made it very clear that she was a "bad girl" despite the fact that they never actually said those words. Deal with your own anger towards these people and try to accept that even though you dislike them they still created your child and your child will most likely feel some kind of connection to them no matter how "bad" you think they are.

Answer 3

Just ask him if he knows what adopted means.  Then just tell him, that instead of him coming out of Mommy, other people had him and you choose to adopt him.  They waited to tell me until I was 9, but I had already started to figure it out myself by then.  I don't think it will upset him that much at such a young age.  Just make sure he knows how special that makes him.  Best wishes!

Answer 4

I agree.  I wouldn't use the terms "mom" or "dad" in describing the biological parents.

You could tell them that they grew in another girls tummy, not in yours.  Tell them she/they didn't know how to be a mommy and daddy so they got to come live with you and your husband and you got to be their mommy and daddy.   Tell them the girl and boy would never forget them and would always love them but can't take care of them.  Be sure to tell them that you all would always be their mommy and daddy and would always love them and take care of them no matter what.

Whatever you tell them, I'd tell it soon before they get the information from someone else.  If that happens, you may have trust issues.  I'd give just enough information so they can understand for now and leave the ugly stuff for later when they are older.  Kids don't understand "meth addicts" or even drug abuse.  Answer their questions but on their level.  

If they are meth addicts, meth is their baby, their family, their life and they don't care about much of anything else.  The kids are better off with you.  Always remember what a privelege it is for you to get to raise them and they have to be the priority your in life.

Answer 5

I'd leave it be.  I have adpoted solely, my partner's neice a nephew.  The boy is older and knows the situation but my daught doesn't.  She can't even recognize her father from apicture.  She's 4.  I wouldn't say anything right now.  It's too complicated and still too emotional.  Wait until they are a little older.  I would avoid activities that the biodonor is present for and explain to the family that you guys won't be a actvities that he goes to.  Or have your husband talk to him and tell him not to mention it to the kids...if he does...its done.  During foster care it was you're job to protect him from the bioparents in a sense...and it's even more you're responsibility to protect him now.  DO NOT USE THE WORD DADDY to describe him.  I completely agree with you.  Parents raise children.....not the people that leave children for others to take care of.

Good Luck

Answer 6

There is a children's book by Jamie Lee Curtis " Tell me again about the night I was born" - it's a little girl asking her mommy how she was born and her mom telling her how they got the call, went to the hospitial etc. After reading the book you can explain that "some babies come from mommy's tummy and some babies come from mommy's heart. And you are the most special kind because you came from my heart" You can even create an adoption story personally for him with all the positive things like the first time he came home, the day he became a forever part of the family etc. I wouldn't even bring up the bio parents. Just lay the truth out like it's no big deal and if he questions be as honest as possible. If he asks why he's not with his bios tell him " oh well their sick right now honey and they gave you to me to take care of you" Then when he is old enough to understand he will remember you saying that they were sick. Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck. :) If you don't make it a big deal your son won't think it's a big deal/

It's obvious that you only want what is best for your son. Please ignore all the snyde remarks about "reconsiling your feelings" with the bio parents. It's obvious that you would never subject your child to anything negative and you have 100% right to feeling your feelings.

Answer 7

I would talk to this bio dad and explain everything to him to see what he thinks and if you guys can come to a compromise to what you can do or tell YOUR son. if he doesn't understand then i would go with what Melinda E said it's a very good answer and since she was adopted then she understand how it is. Good Luck with everything.

Answer 8

Tell him that the mommy and daddy that had him couldn't take care of him but did love him and tell him that you love him very much and wanted him to be your son.

Don't tell him the specifics and don't talk badly about his biological parents.

Answer 9

There are some great books out there about adoption tailored to kids.  Buy one and read it to them.  Perfect lead in to let him/them know that he is adopted.

http://www.tapestrybooks.com

Answer 10

yes it would be better for any information to come to him from you rather than anyone else you would be surprised to find out that at 5 most children have a pretty good understanding of what is explained to them just make sure that when you tell him you don't make things too harsh for him to hear and tell him that it doesn't make any difference that he is adopted and your other son is not and that you love them both equally

Answer 11

There are some great books that break down adoption to an age-appropriate level.  Your particular circumstances are obviously very difficult and I don't know if there is one easy answer.  My best advice would be to go in small doses, take your cues from your son, when he wants to talk about it and when he's had too much.  I think the more adult-orientated details may need to be saved until he is older.  That 's too much for a 5 year old to digest.  Enlisting the support of a therapist might be a good idea.

Good luck!

Answer 12

As an adoptions worker from a state agency, I can tell you this. It will be easier to explain adoption to your children (age appropriately) when you release the anger that you have for his biological parents. I'm not suggesting that its an easy task - but it has to happen. Your son is, and always will be, the product of these individuals. He is the best thing that could have ever come from them due to their life choices. In order for your son to embrace who HE is (as a whole person, not just from your perspective as his mama) he has to understand that he is a very loved little boy. I dont know the details of your family's story, but he had a birth family who probably loved him (deep down), but didnt know how to care for him. He has a mommy and a daddy who loved him enough to help his birth parents who did the best they knew how.

As your son gets older, more details can be added to his story, but still present it age appropriately and developmentally appropriate. Be honest with him. People talk, and more than likely someone WILL tell him something or say something around him that you dont think he's ready to hear at the time. When you are able to reconcile your feelings about his birth parents, it will make it so much easier for you to share his story with him. He will know that you and your husband are Mom and Dad. I would keep some appropriate distance between your son and his bio father just to eliminate unnecessary confusion. When he gets to be an adult, if he's interested in getting to know his bio family - prepare him, but let him know that you will ALWAYS love him just the same, regardless of any relationship that he forms (or doesnt form) with the bio parents. God bless!

Answer 13

Hello Peach,

I can really relate to your question.  I have a 6yr old nephew who is adopted, has no biodad anywhere in the picture and his bio mom is a raging meth addict who left him alone in the car at the age of 9 months.  Any contact she has with him is for her own selfish needs NOT for my nephew's needs.  This idea that children "need" their bio parents no matter what is offensive when the bio parents are dangerous, messed up people.  Yes, in a perfect world we all would have bio parents who were functional wonderful people, but unfortunately some have bio and adoptive parents who are nightmares.  Seeing the destruction some of these people cause in the lives of children is beyond painful.  SORRY, I digress but a couple of the answers set me off.

Does your five year old know he is adopted?  If not, you really do need to tell him.  And as difficult as it is, if the bio dad is around your son needs to know who he is.   We never criticize my nephews bio mom in front of him.  We just tell him that she isn't able to be a mom, and we have explained drug addiction to him also.  Like you, I would never say the things I wrote in this post to him.  But I also have to live in reality and these things are facts, so I appreciate where you are coming from.  Wish I had a better answer for you.

ETA-I didn't fully answer your question. sorry. But the one above me looks pretty good.:)

Answer 14

I don't think you just explain it once and then you're done.  It's an ongoing thing.  Start now and over time they will gain a good understanding.  Be prepared to repeat some things so they get it clear in their minds (it's amazing how kids misinterpret things, who knows what goes on in their little heads!)

Please don't badmouth the natural parents, however you feel about them - they are part of the child.  If you badmouth them, the child will think there is something wrong with THEM (the child) kwim

Answer 15

he is way to young to be told his parents are drug addicts i say wait until hes older

Answer 16

Just tell him about what happened.  But don't say anything too bad about the birth parents.  Eventually he will have to make up his own mind about them.  Explain that they had alot of problems and couln't take care of him anymore.  And he was taken away from them.  And you couldn't bare to see him with strangers.  And tell him how much you love him and how much he means to your family.  Tell him they may have been the reason he is here.  But you and your husband are his mommy and daddy.  You are the reason he is still alive ( I would save that for when he gets older).  I was adopted and my mom told me all the bad stuff about my biological mom.  And because of that I had to find her.  I did a few years ago, and I was not impressed.  I talked with her a few times and visited.  But I did not persue a real relationship with her.  My adopted mom is my biological Aunt.  From my biological dads side.  He died when I was turning 3.  There are still alot of questions with no answers.  Also when the discussion is over, let him know if he has any questions he can ask anytime.  And plan to be caught off guard with a question at anytime.  That is how their minds work.  Good Luck.

Answer 17

Just say:

Hi X (your adopted son)! I just wanted to tell you that Mommy (u) and Daddy (idk if you have a partner) love you so much and we got you from our friend.

In NO WAY do you mention the biological dad. This is because then they will be confused. But when they turn 8 or 9 they'll 100% understand adoption because other people are adopted too. Just hold on and have a talk with the biological dad.