How to explain our friends absence to our kids who are asking.....

Question

We have a fairly new friend who it turns out is bipolar, he has just been readmitted to the psych ward and will not be returning to our complex, according to his mom. He used to come over and play his guitar for us, go swimming with our kids and could spend hours and hours playing with our 1 year old son on the floor. They are asking what happened as they saw the police here yesterday and witnessed his mom yelling at me this morning.

How do I tactfully and appropriately explain what happened to our friend and why he will not be coming back?

Answer 1

They may be old enough to understand bipolar disorder at their ages. "Bobby has a sickness that affects the way he behaves and feels. He needs medicine for it and sometimes he has to stay in the hospital to get his medicine fixed so it works for him again. It's called bipolar disorder and he can't help that he has it."

"The sort of sad thing for us is that he probably won't come back here to live after he gets out of the hospital. He might have to stay somewhere that doctors can keep an eye on him better so he doesn't get really sick again. A lot of people with bipolar disorder are very fun to be with and very creative like Bobby was on the guitar, but when they get sick it's not at all fun for them and they have trouble being around other people and taking care of themselves."

So...that might be actually more info than they need, but that should cover most of their questions.

My kids were 3, 10 and 13 last time I had to be in the hospital in early 2006 and that was for 10 days. They got to visit me along with their dad in an empty conference room on the non-locked side so it was not so traumatic, and they didn't know I was suicidal, but they do understand bipolar disorder and did understand that I needed my medications re-balanced and it sometimes takes a long time to do that.

From some of your other questions and answers, it sounds like your children have been very openly and sensitively exposed to different people and allowed to have a variety of people in their lives. I would guess they would be very accepting of the fact that "Bobby" has problems and has to live somewhere else where doctors can take care of him, and it will be like any other friend who had to move away.

Answer 2

tell them he had to go away for like a job or something and he has to stay out there for it, depending on the age of your children they might not undertstand that he is mentally ill and needed to stay in the hospital. You could explain his mom yelling at you becasue she was upset that he left for his job and didnt want him to go so far away.

Answer 3

"Jason is sick and might be in the hospital a long time. His family is so upset! I would be, too. Let's draw him a picture so he knows you're thinking of him."

Answer 4

I would be very honest with them, especially at their age.  Or at least as honest as you can be without TOO much detail that would go beyond their comprehension.  You know your kids best, so take that into consideration for what they can easily comprehend.

Something along the lines of  " X has a sickness in his mind that sometimes can make him very happy but sometimes very sad.  His doctors wanted to try to make him better so they've brought him to the hospital to spend some time so they can do their best to make him feel much better.   X's mom is very sad to see him leave her and that is why she was upset this morning yelling at mommy.  She's not mad at mommy, just upset and frustrated, kinda like you get when your blocks don't go just the way you want them to and you yell at your sister".        

Let them know it is possible the doctors can't make him all better and that he may have to stay with them for awhile, but it's the best thing to give him a chance to get better.

Answer 5

For the 5-year-old, saying 'So-and-so is sick, and he had to go away to a hospital for a while' would probably work. For the 10-year-old, you probably could be more in-depth about it, saying "He has a mental problem that makes him go back and forth between happy and sad, and he's going to a psychiatric hospital". You shouldn't lie to them, at all, but you may need to simplify things for them.  

Answer 6

Just come right out & explain it to them the same way you'd explain a medical illness.  That's pretty much what it is.  And, even if there's something else to it besides bipolar, or if there are things you don't know about the condition, well, that's not any different than a regular medical illness, either.  

Here's what I'd say, changing it around a bit, maybe, to match each child's level of understanding...  

"<friend name> has to spend some time in a psychiatric hospital.  You go to that kind of hospital when you are having problems controlling how you behave & get along in the world.  It's not just for if you're having a bad day - it's for when your brain isn't working right at all, every day.  There are all kinds of reasons why this might happen, some to do with the way that chemicals are balanced in your body, some to do with really bad things that have happened in your life.  The doctors at the hospital are going to try to help him figure out ways to fix his problems & live a happy, good life"

"His mom is worried & scared & frustrated.  She's not thinking straight because of that.  Because she didn't know what to do, she felt angry & yelled at me.  I hope things get better for her soon.  She must be really scared."

Answer 7

Just tell them the truth, kids are resilient and will understand if you do it well.  Why cant he come back to your complex perhaps you could talk to his mother.

Answer 8

You didn't say how old your kids are (other than the 1 year old)  but i would assume young.  I would just tell them that your friend had to go live somewhere else.  If they ask why just tell them that grownups move out of their parents house and he has a new house.  If your children are older maybe just say that he wasn't following the rules and had to leave.  You dont need to explain to the children where he went or exactlly why.

Answer 9

Just say he moved somewhere else. They don't need to know any additional details. They will soon forget him. Even at 10 they don't need to worry about mental disorders and psych wards.  

Answer 10

He is sick and he went to get well. That's probably all a 1 yr old could grasp. If he's not coming back, he'll eventually forget. The older kids may have questions, try to be truthful and reassuring. They may worry about themselves getting sick, or their parents. Tell them these things hardly ever happen, and you are all fine, and that you love them and are thankful for everyone's health.