How to explain step-parent adoption to my 8 year old?

Question

My husband & I have got an appt next week to see a solicitor (we're in the UK) to discuss him adopting my daughter. We've been together over 5 years, married for 2. Her biological dad hasn't seen her/ paid maintenance for 6 years & I have no idea where he is. She has no contact with any of his family & considers my husband as her dad, although she knows the truth.

The problem we have is that I'm not sure how to explain exactly what adoption will mean for her, in that it "cuts all ties" with her birth father & his family - how do I put that into words that she can understand so that we can be sure we're not doing anything she wouldn't want us to do?

We're not sure whether the court would dispense with his agreement or not, if not, I doubt he'll agree anyway so we might be wasting our time. I just want to be able to explain it to her first, in case she doesn't want to cut all ties for any reason - any ideas on what to say?

Answer 1

Just tell her that it means her dad is legally her Dad as much as if he'd done the biological bit. It won't stop her being able to find her biological Dad if she ever wants to, just that he has to ask first before he upsets the whole family. Just tell her it makes you all feel like a real family, that nobody can split up. not only that, but it makes things easier with the taxman etc. Whose surname is she using? It gives her a choice about that, too.

Answer 2

You mentioned that she 'knows the truth' about her biodad, which means you're partway there.  Children often understand more than their parents think, and it sounds like she's at an age where she can be a participant in the adoption conversation.  

Talk to her about having your husband become her official father.  I've even heard of families where the stepparent has 'proposed' to the child, and had a family ceremony to mark the adoption.  If you are considering a name change, make sure it's something she wants.  It's important that you are building positive feelings about her identity, so that she feels that her adoption is something she is a part of, not something you are doing to her or for her.

Her stepdad is not replacing her biodad, they are two different men who will fill two distict roles in her life.  Even if you 'cut all ties' with her biodad's family, please be open to conversations or searches if your daughter chooses.  Both her biodad and her stepdad are important parts of her life in very different ways.

Answer 3

You would be surprised what children can understand. I would explain it so that she understands doing this would mean that your current husband would always be her daddy no matter what and that her biological father wouldn't have the rights to be her dad.

Answer 4

I probably wouldn't put it into such clear cut terms.  She will understand as she grows older.  Even if ties are cut, she can decide to see him when she is old enough.  You can cut the legal ties but not the blood ties.  I certainly wouldn't give her too many details if there is any doubt that the court will let the adoption go ahead without her natural father's permission.  I am sure you are a loving mother and will do what is best.

Answer 5

I was in exactly the same position, my boy was 6 when we started going through my husband adopting him, we sat him down and told him EVERYTHING he especially liked the fact that his dad was going to be his 'real' dad and no one or nothing would or could ever change that when it all went through, hes now 8 and it was all finalised in October last year and its the best thing that has happened my son loves it, if your daughter treats your husband like her dad and loves him just as much as a 'real' dad it shouldnt make any difference only make her happier, if shes never seen her other family of bio dad just as mine didnt she will probably have the same opinion as my son of not ever wanting to, good luck xx

Answer 6

I would say it is simply making legal what has been going on for years in your home and your heart.

Answer 7

it is something real hard to explain if only she know your partner as her dad.

yes she will be cutting of ties with her paternal side of her family but when she turn 18 she can if she likes get to know them then as long as you have told her the truth it will be her choice if she wants anything to do with her farther when she is a little older.

Answer 8

it will not cut all ties unless you make it just tell her your husband hes been her daddy now for however many years and he wants her to be his "official" daughter she still knows her real father he can see her if he wants and she could try to find him if she wants and see her birth relatives if you let her but this way by law her step father will be her real daddy most older kids who have had this situation happen and love there step parent like there real one have no problems but in most cases the birth parent has to sign over all rights for adoption

Answer 9

My step dad adopted me. I was asked what I thought about it. I was 14 at the time my sister was 11. I knew it was better for me, but my little sister wasn't sure. They told her that if she wanted to contact our dad she could, but legally she would not be related to him anymore and he would not be obligated to her anymore. It also helped that our biological father wrote us letter explaining why it would be best for us. If you could get her biological father to do something of that sorts it would probably help.

Answer 10

Well she is 8 and you might be surprised how much she can understand and take in. I would be upfront and honest and ask her about her feelings on the matter then tactfully tell her that once adopted that her real father wont be in the picture. If she protests then leave it for a few more years until she is ready or give her the chance to tell you when she is ready. :)  Good luck.