How to explain the difference?

Question

I'm really curious about something. Why do you think some adoptees report issues with adoption and others don't?

If, as some people suggest, it's that some adoptees have had a "bad experience," does that mean it's the adoptive parents' fault? (Obviously, this wouldn't be ALL adoptive parents. Just the ones that raised adoptees with issues.) If not the adoptive parent, then what led to the bad experience?

I really want to know why you think some adoptees talk about having issues with adoption and why others don't.

Answer 1

Hi Phil. Just as a preface, I want you to know that I enjoy reading your posts and have found them very informative. As to your question, you must realize that in order to answer it, at least one book would be required-perhaps several volumes. It has been addressed by researchers and clinical psychologists avidly over the years. I am not an expert but I will try to sum up a few facts that I've read concerning the issue. (Please don't shoot the messenger!)  

1) I think there might be an age difference in many of the people who do/do not have issues. This could account for there being no problems in at least a couple of ways.

-Maybe the younger adoptees have yet to encounter life issues that they can attribute their difficulty coping with to their adoptive status

-The adoption industry has changed over the years-for the better. (I know, I know, it has a long way to go!)

-the adoptive status of children is acknowledged at an earlier age ( as recommended by social workers). Prior thought was that all adopted children were treated as if they were biological children (even if they were not of the same race or culture!) This was bad for adoptees.

-here is less stigma of motherhood outside of marriage-this stigma used to be an albatross around the adoptee's neck as well (society-go figure)

2) some people react differently to the same type of situation-just the fact that 80% of searchers are women is an indicator of this (so Phil, you are an anomaly).

There really isn't do's and do not's. There is a range of people. Some might blame adoption for everything that has gone wrong in their lives and feel like they would rather have been aborted (or so they have posted). Some don't feel adoption has made any impact on their lives. And the majority fall inbetween.

Here's the main deal. Adoption is not a static process. It changes and therefore the needs of the adoptees change over time.

Answer 2

Even if the adoption went perfectly, the birth mother handled it perfectly, the agency handled it perfectly the adoptive parents are highly informed and it's an open adoption the trauma to a child from being separated from their birth mother can leave an empty space in them and effect their way of viewing the world for the rest of their life.

Unfortunately, adoptions don't often go perfectly and so this adds to the initial stress, the confusion, the grief and the overal trauma that is caused for the child.

It is not the Birth parent's fault unless they don't make a definate decision, and are having doubts about whether they want to keep the child or not.

It could be the Agencies fault if they do not consider the child's rights as well as the adults involved.

It could also be the adoptive parent's fault for not doing enough research and talking to birth parents, other adoptive parents and adoptees.

But generally it is a whole mixture of things.

Adoption is a very delicate issue. Children are delicate. They DO need wrapping in cotton wool. They are our future and more rights we take away from them the less empowered they will feel to trust and respect others and feel that they have control over their own lives.

The more rights an adoptive child is given including information about their heritage and imediate family, their family name, access to documents, honesty from adoptive parents etc the more comfortable a child will be about the fact that they have been adopted.

So many factors I cant list them all...

Answer 3

I think anyone can have a bad experience with "adoption" adoptees, first parents, adoptive parents, siblings and even the people who are none of these, but still see that change it needed. I could say I've had somewhat of a "bad"experiance with aboption whtn it comes to how we were treated by the "professionals" because we were doing a private adoption and they didn't get that huge placement fee. That is why I speak up about it. You guy too have ad a bad experiance buy not having full access to your histories and just being part of the machine.

Kinda like this. A few years ago I went to a amusment park with some friends of mine. We all road the same rollercoaster. The month before I had been in an accident and though I was healed. It was a wooden rollercoaster and it jerked us around like rag dolls. When the ride was over they came off cheering and wanting to ride again, but me, I was crying because I had reinjured my neck and was is terrible pain.

We were all on the same ride and although it was an inspected and cleared ride some still get hurt, some love it and want to do it again and others are so traumatized they need to get help and fight to get thr ride shut down or at least have additional safety measures taken.

I think with adoption it is the same. Even if you have a very similar situation, you perception and how you're affected can be at opposite ends. Some people may feel that not knowing their family history is better than knowing, because they don't have to face conflict, should there be something. Others are they type were they appreciate and scrap if info they can get.

I too have and a bad experiance with adoption when my sister was taken at 2 yrs old and adopted without anyone's consent, her mom claimed my dad was unknown, Which if the court looked at all they would have seen that "M- the horrible" as we called her, had petitioned my dad for child support. Because of that experiance I was able to decide that Although I was open to adopt, I wouldn't seek it and I would NEVER be involved in an agency adoption, especially if they father was listed as "unknown"

hope this helps.

Answer 4

As we all know, there are a myriad of variables.  But if I had to boil it down to one reason, it would be bravery.

Adoptees who search, against all odds, and are willing to really LOOK at the issues and their experiences, to me are brave.

It's our cajones, b*lls, moxie, sisu, determination, sense of justice, and chutzpah that differentiates us from the adoptees who, for whatever reason, can't make that leap.

Answer 5

I think it is because everyone reacts to things differently. What will affect one will not have the same impact on another. I do not think that the adoptive parents can be soley blamed for those who do have problems with it. You can raise a child with all the love and care in the world, but you can't change how someone thinks.  We have all seen people raised by good people and turn with problems and issues. It all has to do with the individual. I think it is because some dwell on the past. You can't change it. Some have had things happen that have scared them for life, others brush them off and go on. It is all in how each individual handles their own life experiences. I don't think blame should be put on anyone,  it's just some have problems and some don't. Some of our battles in life are handed to us others are chosen by us.

Answer 6

I don't think anyone wants to hear the bad side of adoption.  My adoptive mother is a great mother.  She pushed me into searching.  Does it make her a bad adoptive parent for doing this?  I don't think so.  She watches over me as I walk this road knowing full well she can't go with me. That is very hard on her.  Yes she does fear losing me but she hasn't yet.  This has brought us closer.

It is hard for me to discuss my own emotions concerning my adoption.  I don't like looking that deeply into myself.  I do know that my infant brain remembered my natural mother for years.  I screamed every time I heard a siren.  That hurts for me.  

For many years I didn't have time to think about my own adoption.  Let alone explore the topic of adoption.   I think, for me, its the industry itself that has led me to be described as angry.  I am not angry at my adoptive mother nor my natural mother.  I am angry at how the industry describes us.  Our society is permeated with the misconceptions about adoption.  It is this industry that continues to put that information out.  I believe that we all are victims of the myths, misinformation, and deception of adoption.  

Here I have been scammed by an adoption agency. I was lied to through and through.  That has made me very angry.

Here we have Noodles who was in the process of adopting and was scammed out of money because she wanted a child.  She wanted to be a mother.  I get that.  Do I think she wants her child looked at like I am.  Oh no I don't want that for her child.  I don't want her child to hear how she should be grateful that her mother wanted to adopt, that she wasn't dumped or aborted.  If I can stop it for them, I will.

Here we have how many mothers that were scammed and conned out of their child.  Some may not have been.  Its being reported by those within the movement that natural mothers are waking up more quickly from their "adoption" fog.  They are realizing that they could have done it.  They could have raised their child.  They are having open adoptions closing on them.  

Its not just adoptees that have issues. Its all of us.  The industry puts these issues upon us.  We living adoption should make the choices about the terminology, the laws, and the costs.

Answer 7

I don't know a single human being that doesn't have issues in today's society.  I don't know a single "functional" family.  I don't know anyone that doesn't have problems with their parents or something they did.  It doesn't matter if you are adopted or not.  This society is so into labeling people and finding disfunction everywhere they look.  School teachers are demanding children be put on drugs for "disrupting" class.  That's what children do - disrupt.  It is how their little bodies and minds work.

So, in my opinion, the answer to your question is that the reason some adoptees talk about having issues with adoption and others don't is because some HAVE issues with adoption and other DON'T.  That is as normal as someone in New York having issues and someone in Alabama not having issues.

There is no one to blame.  There is no cure for parents making mistakes with their children.  There is no cure for children driving their parents crazy.  It is life.  If you have issues and believe they are related to the fact that you are adopted, it is because you have unanswered questions for someone - your adoptive parents or your birth parents.  Unfortunately, there are no magical answers that will make you satisfied.  People do the best they can with the hand they've been dealt.  Not only does that apply to your environment, it also applies to your genetics.  Perhaps you have issues because one of your birth parents was mentally ill.  Perhaps you have issues because your adoptive parents weren't a good match for you.  Who knows?  All I know is going out searching for the answers won't work.  You have to resolve this one yourself.  At some point you have to let go of things and move on.  It sounds like maybe you are trying to do that.  So look inside for the answers.  Be honest with yourself about what the problem really is.  Face it, deal with it, and let it go.  You will be so much happier.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I think the answer is the same as why some kids (adopted or not) turn out one way and some kids turn out another:  it's parenting period.  Adoptive parents are like any other set of parents.  They aren't perfect.  They make mistakes, and unfortunately, as with other parents, these mistakes can often affect their children.  For instance, I know the divorce of your a-parents probably had a profound effect on you growing up whether you realized it at the time or not.  A divorce always has huge effects for the kids, especially if the divorce is especially meanspirited.  All the same things that affect "normal" kids will affect adoptees as well. People put alot of credence in the whole "separation" part of adoption....that somehow there's this huge, invisible hole in the soul of adoptees because at 2 days old they know in their soul they have been separated from their mother.  I think that's bunk personally or else you'd see ALL adoptees with huge separation or abandonment issues and that just isn't the case.  Perhaps all adoptees start out with somewhat of an emotional disadvantage in that respect but it's how they go on to be PARENTED that I believe makes all the difference.  Some a-parents try to overcompensate with their adopted child & end up raising a child who feels self-conscious about his or her adoption.  Overcompensation can also lead to a very spoiled child who constantly sees the world from a me, me, me perspective.  Some parents don't know HOW to talk about the adoption with their child & so the child might grow up thinking there's something wrong with him or her for being an adoptee or worse....they could find out about it at a later stage in life which is devastating to some.  

But again in my opinion, it all comes down to parenting and not some mystical hole that's created when the child is separated from the parent.  I recently learned that I was actually with my own b-mother for 17 months before she gave me up.  17 months is a looong time for an infant to bond with her mother.....and yet, to this day, I have no abandonment issues or issues with my adoption at all.  I believe I have my a-parents to thank for that.  They were always open & honest with me, they gave me boundaries, knew being great parents wasn't just a matter of material things, and gave a great deal of love.

Answer 9

I think some of it has to do with the age and maturity of the adoptee.  As a child, I had very childish questions about adoption, bfamily, etc.  In my teens, it was an extra layer in my search for identity.  In college, I was too busy having fun to wonder about issues. I said some really cavalier things back then, that I believed at the time, but not now.  Surprisingly having children did not make me think of bfamily...it was watching my kids start to grow up and watching myself age that finally made me think it was time to search.  I've been the same person all my life.  However, my opinions have not been the same throughout my life.

Also, I think it has a lot to do with the level of awareness, education, and information that the adoptee possess.  Although adoption was not a secret in my home (I could ask questions to which the answer was invariably "I don't know."), discussion was not encouraged.  Searching was never mentioned, and I believed that I was the only adoptee on the earth that had the idea of searching.  I am just old enough to have grown up without the internet.  Any information that I could have gotten, would have needed to come from the library.  I can confirm that my school library had not a single book about adoption.  I grew up before political correctness too.  I did not have access to information about adoptees' rights, and I simply did not know that I had them!  The first time I heard of open adoption I was astounded.  I thought all adoptions were like mine...such was the level of my uninformed-ness!  I was incredulous the first time I heard of b*****d Nation!  A polical lobbying group that had many of the same ideas as I?  WOW!  For the first time in my life, I felt empowered about my adoption.  When I finally decided to search, I began reading  every book about adoption that I could get my hands on, surfed the internet for information, and even found Y!A.  I don't think that my new-found information has changed my opinions about adoption, but it most certainly has opened my eyes to how big an issue it is and how many people it effects.  

And, people are people.  We're all different and will respond differently to the same things.  Curiosity is finally what made me act.  And I know many people who are not curious.

Finally, I know LOTS of people that blame things on their parents, bio-kids too.  Yes, there are bad parents, but I like to think most parents do the best they can.  And it is always easier to blame things on others.  I believe the old saying:  "Rise above your raising."

Answer 10

Amen to the posters above me.

Answer 11

Hi Phil~

Interesting question. I can say that often I don't want to share my own story because I don't want the issues of unethical practices in adoption and the need for reform to be clouded by the fact that my adoption had a less than perfect ending.

Some adoptees have had more successful placements, in families where they feel they fit.  Where they are valued as individuals even if they don't share talents or looks or biology with their adopted families.  

Some adoptees simply have no interest in their heritage or history.  While others, even those who grew up in a well matched, happy home, have a burning desire to know their heritage. Even for 2 adopted kids who grew up in the same home, one may search & the other may be content not to. Chalk it up to human individuality.  

Some adoptees have no issue with adoption until the do find their first parents and discover the truth about how they were placed.  When they discover that their adoptive parents were lied to by the agencies, and their birth parents were lied to as well.  

In spite of my own 'bad experience', I still support adoption for mom's who really do choose it (vs. having it forced upon them), for 'older' children, some as young as 6 months or a year or two, in foster care because their first parents are unable or unwilling to do whatever it takes to parent their children.  

As a CASA I advocate for what's in the best interest of the child, including a permanent home & family (adoption). Of course, a family is a better place to be raised than in foster care or an orphanage or in some kind of institutionalized care. And no child should have to live a life of neglect or abuse!

There are wonderful AP's, many in this forum, that have listened and understand the concerns adoptees share and show a genuine concern for their adopted children's well being.  They also support adoption reform.

And no, not all adoptees' issues are because of their adopted parents.

Answer 12

Hmm.  There's several different answers to several different questions here, to me.

I think that some adoptees, just like non-adoptees, are 'stronger' people.  This is not meant to be a judgment call, honestly, whatsoever.  I just mean in general they have tougher skin.  That's not neccesarily always a positive, to me.  So that's why they might not be so inclined to firstly FEEL any issues, and secondly to REPORT feeling any issues.  

I'm thinking of my husband, if you're wondering where I've come up with this.  He's very logical and very straightforward in the way he thinks.  As I've mentioned before, he was adopted, and considers his adoptive parents his only parents and is content to leave it at that.  He's not a "I wonder" or an "If only" kind of person.  His life is what it is.  That's not to say his life has been wonderful.  It actually hasn't been.  His dad is an alcoholic, and his mother is... let's say... an avid drinker herself.  They are divorced and have each remarried at least once.  But... they are his parents.  Just as many people, adoptee or not, have issues with their parents, he does not choose to speculate on whether life would have been different with his birthmother/family, because his life has been what it has been.  That's all any of us can do, really.  Why I'm mentioning his family is that to me, if adoption is a guarantee- no to be fair, let's say... if adoption makes one more likely to have issues in life, then I do believe he'd have them.  He's been handed a life that you'd think anyone would come away from with issues.  I've heard from more than one family member or friend of my own that considering my hubby's family, he's quite well adjusted.  He's got less issues than I do, having been raised by my biological parents!  

As for placing fault, I don't think you could pick any one person or set of people.  It's just got to be a combination of everything, just like everything else.  It can't possibly be all the birthmom/parents' fault, nor could it be all the adoptive parents' fault, just as it couldn't be all the adoptees' fault.  To place blame, if ever, you'd have to take it case by case.  

But without talking about a specific situation, I would have to say that the way an adoptee handles situations themselves tells you the most about whether they have issues with their adoption or not.  Again, just like for non-adoptees, some of us walk away from situations with issues, and some of us do not.  

Hope my perspective helps~

Answer 13

If we take adoption per se out of this question, and substitute children (rather than adoptees) that talk about having issues with their childhood or family, and others don't, then no one would really wonder why.  The reasons why some people "have issues" with their adoption are complex and many.  The child's personality, health, disposition, stamina, birth order, intelligence, etc.  The parent's (bio and adoptive)personalities, parenting skills, health, temperament, intelligence, knowledge, childhood, stress level, etc.  And then there is the environment, support system, community, family values, etc.  It is NOT one thing that can be pointed to.  There are many reasons why we are the way we are, and why we feel the way we do, and respond to things the way we do, and adoption is no exception.

Answer 14

Hi Phil,

Hmm...why some adoptees report issues with adoptions while others don't?  I've wondered that too.  Everyone, whether they admit it or not, has issues.  Adoptees, non-adoptees, everyone.  

If we think about it, everyone probably can estimate the source of their issues too.  Adoption does create issues such as identity, abandonment, trust, rejection, medical, intimacy, loss, among others.  Some people are aware of those issues to different extents, they effect people differently, and they may attribute those issues to different sources.

As nobody can say with certainty, this brainstorm list is just guesses of possible reasons why some might claim to be unaffected:

1)  Not wanting to admit to others about having any issues. (could be perceived as a sign of weakness.)

2)  Not ever having issues validated so not willing to admit issues to self now. (not ready or able to process that now.)

3)  Having issues but wanting to put them anyplace other than from adoption. (relationships, jobs, divorce, etc.)

4)  Feeling that attributing any issues to adoption would be equivalent to discrediting their entire adoption experience.

5)  Feeling that attributing any issues to adoption would be disloyal to the adoptive family.

6)  Perhaps already has total closure through an open, honored adoption, total honesty, & original birth certificate.

7)  Perhaps has worked through all issues by going to counselling.  

I'm not sure those last two are totally possible, just throwing it out there in case it really has happened to someone.  If I think of any more possible reasons, I'll edit this answer later.

Whatever the reasons, or combinations of reasons, one thing I think we can say for sure is that adoptive parents can be the best parents in the world, and it is STILL normal for adoptees to have issues.  The best adoptive parents will acknowledge the feelings that an adoptee is having & help them work through them.  The issues were caused by the adoption, not the parents.  They could have been later compounded by events involving adoptive parents, but primarily it's the system, the separation, and the laws that are the main causes of adoption issues.

It's not unusual for adoptees to go many years thinking everything about adoption is wonderful, then events could come about that cause the adoptee to delve deeper into their origins and the related feelings.  It could be the birth of their own child, it could be the death of an adoptive parent, it could be something they read or saw.  Delayed acknowledgement is not uncommon at all.  Support groups see new members all the time who have been through exactly that.  (By the way, they are always welcomed.)

I'm not suggesting that all problems in an adoptee's life are due to adoption.  I am saying it's unrealistic to not consider adoption when it has such a profound effect on who we are.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee