How to find a birthmother? I want to do a private adoption.?

Question

My husband and I have two wonderful little boys. After the birth of our second son, my husband had a vasectomy. I have always wanted a little girl and now we are seriously thinking about adopting. We would like to have a private adoption instead of going through an agency. Does anyone have any advice on how to find a birthmother? Thanks for any help!!

Answer 1

Adoption is a wonderful option and I wish you the best.

Stay away from the primal wound.  it's absurd.  I suppose there's a bunch of books written by men in a support group because they remember the pain of circumcision....

to increase your odds and reduce your wait time, you can contact several places including agencies --

DHFS/DCFS

Catholic Charities

Lutheran Services

Local Foster Care Services

bethany.org

ncfa-usa.org

or go to your yellow pages under Adoption

are you open to an open adoption?  please remember that very few states, if any, enforce open adoption agreements.  If you're going to do an open adoption, you may as well just be a guardian for 18 years and let the bmom share all the joys without the long nights or financial responsibilities.

however, if you're going to go through a private adoption, you'll probably be forced into an open adoption.

Scams are out there so be wary as one poster warned you.  i strongly suggest an agency though.

Answer 2

So have your husband get a reversal.

Adoption is not about 'completeing' a family.  And adopting a child is based on one family's loss.  You really need to do some research, adoption is a very complex family situation.

For starters, no one can be a 'birthmother' until they've given birth.

Please read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

Answer 3

Have you considered adopting a child from foster care?  There are over 100,000 children in foster care who currently need parents.  I was adopted out of foster care at age 2, and I'm very happy about it.  It gave me a family and the opportunities that come with that.

As far as a few other issues, there is certainly no harm in reading various books about adoption.  Adopted persons, like any other people, experience their lives in different ways.  This includes how they experience adoption.  It's best to be prepared for a variety of scenarios, because you don't know what may or may not arise.

Open adoptions are very common now, and because there aren't all of the extra secrets and questions, they are considered healthier arrangements.  It's not about letting the birthmother have all the joy while you do all the work.  That's a very black and white view that doesn't represent it well at all.  For one thing, it entirely leaves out the part about the joy you will have being a parent -- which is what you want.  It also leaves out the pain that the birthmother usually experiences by not having that real mother-child relationship.  We're not out to punish the birthmother, after all, or be jealous of her.  Mostly, it leaves out what's best for your child.

Answer 4

place an ad in the classified. be careful with private adoptions tho to make sure that u are not getting scammed and the burthmother does have a set amoun t of time AFTER you have the baby to change her mind.   this happened to a coworker of mine twice

Answer 5

I think that you are on an impossible quest.  "Birthmother" is a term (very offensive to some) that is used to describe a woman who has already relinquished her child and signed her rights away.  So, looking for a "birthmother" means that you are too late to get her baby - someone else got him/her.

My advice is that you do more reading about the intricacies and pitfalls of adoption.  Until you do that I think that you are wide open to being scammed.

Why not an agency?  Private usually means NO counseling for the expectant mother.  Also, agencies spend a ton of money recruiting potential "birthmothers" who are not that easy to find.  This is especially true for families who are gender specific.  For example, if you were relinquishing a child for adoption would you want to take a chance on a couple who would walk away if the sonogram was wrong and and the baby is a boy?

To guarantee a girl, your best best would be to adopt a girl who has already been born.

Answer 6

To find a birthmother-to-be (so as not to offend anyone) if you are not going thru an agency, you could also talk to local attorneys who have handled adoptions in the past,, or OB doctors who have patients who want to relinquish their child.

I would recommend, though, that you go thru a reputable agency.  It will protect the interests of all parties.  

You probably realize by now there are some extreme opinions on this site so I'd take ALL opinions with a grain of salt--even this one, if you like.  If you feel like you've stepped into a pile of p**p on this forum, it feels that way for a lot of us adoptive parents on this site.  If you want to adopt a baby girl, to complete your family, to call your own and love and raise as your own, GO FOR IT.  You don't have to answer to anyone on this site, if that is what you want..  

Also, keep in mind that there ARE many, many adoptive parents out there, like myself, who have raised happy, healthy, well adjusted children to adulthood who have a healthy curiousity about their adoption and birth parents but are not filled with anger and resentment. Adopted kids do have issues that your biological kids won't have but she'll have loving parents to help her work thru them and she'll have two older brothers who, no doubt, will adore and protect her.

Good luck to you and I wish only happiness for you and your family.

Alisha A--lol--very funny.....a support group for men remembering the pain of circumcision........ROTFLMAO!