Question:

How to gain back trust from my wife which I've completely lost.?

by Guest62155  |  earlier

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Please help! I'm desperate in need of advice on what to do. Sorry for this long and boring story but I feel you guys need the full details to help give me an answer.

I'm not one to brag, but humbly am the luckiest s****.in the world. I’ve been married for 2 years but been with the love of my life for 14 years. I don't deserve to be with her. I sometimes tell her I'm not the man for her. But she feels to differ, and I'm not complaining.

I'm 30, my wife is 28. High school sweethearts. Through the years we've been together I can count the number of times she screwed up in our relationship which is 3. As for me, let’s say a lot.

She does not trust me anymore. This is because I'm a compulsive liar. I've never cheated, but got involved with heavy drugs. By the time I was 23 years old, I had hit rock bottom financially. She found out I was a druggie not once, or twice, but 3 times. She told me to get help or she was gone. I love her very much and at that time I did everything I could possibly do to get my $#!T together. It was a slow process but well worth still having her in my life. She worked part-time and went to school full time. Amazingly she put herself through college w/ a bachelor’s degree and cleaned up my debt. Even before we got married we both made it clear who was to handle the finances.

Here’s where we are now: I get paid weekly and the deal is that with my wife’s paycheck she pays all the bills. My pay check gets broken down to a %'age where a certain amount goes to our saving account which is in her name only. I'm the beneficiary if anything was to happen. Then some goes in to a car account just in case car breaks down, a little in a x-mas account, which at the end I'm left with and average of $80-100.00 a wk. and $450-500.00 total in a month. I'm one who like to by c**p that I don't need and at the end have nothing to show for. It's either c**p or nothing. My wife gets upset to the fact that I never spend or contribute any of my money on her or us. She says it's only spent on me.

I’m an electrician and my wife and I both work for the same company. She’s our accountant. A week before our 1st wedding anniversary I took out a loan for $1000.00. We stayed on the island and stayed in a luxury hotel for the weekend. The money was used to spend for that weekend. I did not tell her that I took out a loan (keep in mind that my wife still handles all our finances). I took the loan out because it was our anniversary. I couldn’t have her pay for every thing that weekend. So there was no way I could afford going out on fancy and expensive dinners. So I used the money for that purpose. The remaining money I had left I had budgeted I had planned on getting her the Gucci hand bag she and I had looked at a month before and she said she wanted. We exchanged gifts that we got for each other and had a perfect 1st year anniversary that weekend.

Exactly 1 month had past (here is the 1st of 2 issues in regards to this subject) we came home from work and she had checked the mail as usual. She had looked into our monthly bank statement and had found out that I had taken out a loan. She was very angry and disturbed that I had taken out a loan without her consent. She became very curious to what the money was used for and what did I spend it on. We seriously sat down and wrote down on a piece of paper and I had to account for every dollar & ensure her that I did use all the money that weekend for our anniversary. It had come out that I was unable to account for $200.00. She dropped it and we immediately paid off the loan using our money saved.

My 2nd incident occurred last Christmas. I had my appendix removed and was out of work for 1 month. For a long time my wife wanted to go to New York, and travel to Europe. She and I did some homework on airfare and it was pretty costly. I decided to surprise her and give her, her dream vacation. So I did it again, I took out a loan for $5000.00 without her knowing. I realized that I done wrong and decided to return the money. I had had the money for about a week, $5000.00 in cash in a letter envelope. The day I was to return the money I stopped at a convenient store to grab something to drink. I was in the store for only 5 minutes, I drove to the bank reached inside the middle console of compartment and realized that someone had reached into my vehicles compartment and taken my money. I was in complete shock….my heart dropped and all at once everything around me had stopped. I tore my vehicle apart looking for the envelope, and realized it was really gone. I did not know what to do. I literally pulled my hair from my head, pinched myself really hard to see if this was a dream, only to come to the fact that this is the beginning of my nightmare. I didn’t know how to tell my wife. I did not have the courage to tell her what have been done. I was out of it I forgot to make a police report. I later realized, would the police even believe me. I mean who would be stupid enoug

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15 ANSWERS


  1. Bottom line, stop messing up and allow her to gradually earn her trust back in you.

    Just when she thinks you are being honest, you let her down.  Why would u expect her to trust you?

    Sounds like its gonna take awhile.  Not just a few months, but maybe years.

    These arent small things, these are big issues for her, so start today and reassure her everyday that you are done letting her down.

    Dont expect her to just get over all of it and move on.  She tried that once, only to be let down again.  Once trust is breeched, it take a long while to get it back, and it has to be earned.

    Good luck to you and her.  I truly hope youre serious this time.

    Get some help if you need it.  It would give her incentive to believe in you.

    Best wishes.


  2. You need some serious counselling... together and probably seperately as well... you say you're a complusive liar, and thats a realllyyy huge problem that needs to be addressed by a professional, not by random ppl on yahoo answers trying to help you solve a MASSIVE problem.  

  3. Sounds like you need to get another job to clean up your own debt instead of your wife cleaning it up for you. You need to sit your wife down and tell her the truth before she finds out on her own. If the money allows, you need help, get counseling.  

  4. As hard as it is, get counseling, it seems you can't be honest with your wife let alone yourself, and you think that people who read this will believe what you say, even if its true, I'm sure you read the story about the boy who cried wolf.  Show her you are sincere, but first you have to be with yourself, if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest to.  You can't do this on your own or with some stupid advise from yahoo......you need to get your act together, yourself, NOW, if you care about yourself and your wife who put up with you and have the balls to take charge.  LOL

  5. Drug addiction ... > Missing money.

    You're right, the police wouldn't have believed it. We don't believe it. And I highly doubt your wife will believe it either.

    What to do? Get help for the addiction, relinquish access to money and all money-bearing accounts, surrender your credit cards, and start over. It's the only way.

  6. Do you think people reading this are completely stupid?  You are a total nightmare and that money was never stolen.  When she finds out that the money is gone, she would be completely stupid to stay with you.  Give me a break - if you have $5000 stolen from you...you report it!!  If you don't report it - you are hiding something.  Like....hmmm...YOU SPENT IT!  

    But thank you, my husband looks so much better when I read ridiculous stories like this.

    Teh strangest part of this story is that you were out of work....but the bank gave you a loan?  What kind of a bank gives someone a loan without a job?  Also, when you don't have a job...why are you thinking it is a good time to take that dream trip to Europe?  

    This is a weird, weird story....    

  7. Oh my God,  sorry buddy, way too much info.  

  8. Need to be more RESPONSIBLE about everything!! No excuse!!

  9. You sure don't learn form your mistakes do you?? Why are you making loans that you don't talk to your wife about. $1000 or $5000 is a  lot of money to me.  You history with her is on thin ice so why did you purposely secretly make the loan when you know how she would feel. Your wife is a smart lady to have the money in a budget.

    Here is what I think. I don't believe the trip story. I don't believe the money was stolen. I believe your not telling the truth but still want the respect that truth earns. You can never have it that way. Stop making excuses and stop making loans without your wife's knowing it for any reason. If you want her trust back, your going to have to work for it, and really hard!!!!

  10. You're irresponsible & addicted to the heat of the moment.  You don't think things through.  That's why she's handling the money.  I have a really hard time believing the $5,000 story.  Someone just HAPPENED to know there was $5k in your car when you stopped at a random liquor store?  With your history I highly doubt that actually happened.  You're grabbing at straws now.

    The thing is that most reasonable people learn from their mistakes & you don't.  You're a broken record & you're stuck on stupid.  It gets old really fast.  So other than taking responsibility for yourself, what advice do you need?  How to lie to your wife?  How to get her back?  I don't get it.

  11. goto marriage counseling...  

  12. The wife has to know considering it's such a big amount. Don't try doing the same thing again or your wife might leave you. You have to learn from your mistakes.

    You may want to look for another source of income to pay for the debt. lt's difficult but we sometimes have to swallow the bitter pill.

    l hope things work out well for you. Good luck.

  13. You are just an incompetent financial disaster and until you learn to stop taking out loans and then losing the money you will keep doing it until you get to the point where you are bankrupt.

  14. OMGosh you sound like my electrician husband!

    Except for the fact of the island and spending time together,

    I work my butt off just to cover the amounts he's spent during the week, then he gets upset that something bounces in the bank!

    I never use the cards on myself, I've cut them all up so he can't sneak them out! Now I'm trying to hide the debit cards,

    I can't win in this situation, So I'll contiune to Lift heavy items, move people around, working in the field that I do! Just to cover his 500$wk spending habit!


  15. This is going to be a hard one to get her to believe because of your history the best thing to do is look her in the eye and let her have it straight no chaser no corney opening lines like "Honey i know i havent been honest in the past But..." This will cause a red flag just be honest with her for once put the cards on the table and tell her this is what happened you can not believe me or believe me which ever one you choose is your decision but this is the situation and do you have any advice or some input for me.

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