How to get along with these co workers

Question

i have just stared working in this new dept at work. I get along with people in general, but u have this set that i cant understand. its 3 girls & one guy ( i call it 4 girls) cause the guy is g*y and they all gossip together, they dont really like me, but they keep hinting stuff to make me mad, i always ignore, but it kinda shows up on my work, i spoke to my boss about it , but guess what she is part of the gang too. need some advice

Answer 1

If it were me I would be keeping a low profile whilst seeking other employment - fast. Best wishes. UK

Answer 2

This is a major problem in this country where work has turned into a social scene and is more about people gossiping and joking than it is about work. You may even be frustrated since you work so hard, and it seems like the slackers get away with murder. Corporate America is looking millions of dollars each year due to supervisors not being able to control their workers.

First of all, congratulations for going to you boss and explaining what is going on. It is now on the record. My guess is that the group of 4 have been there awhile and they always gang up on a hard worker that might make them "look bad" by doing harder work then them.

Donald Trump said on his Apprentice show that a person should "never quit" and I think that is correct, but he did not say people could not switch departments. It sounds like this new department is just not working for you and your boss is useless. SO, is there anyway you can transfer back to your old department? Or transfer to a new department? It sounds to me like you cannot do your work due to the other workers distracting you.

If you really want to stay in that department, it is time to go over your bosses head. These problems do not get better and do not go away. However, to look on the bright side about it, maybe you can just relax and joke with them? Sometimes, being on the outide of a group can be fixed by becoming part of the group. One day, a new person will come on board, and they will be complaining about the FIVE of you! :)

Answer 3

Unfortunately, some people never mature emotionally past middle school. Form groups and cliques and then exclude others. This type of behavior is characteristic of people with self esteem issues. It is "normal" to have self esteem issues in middle school, however it is not as an adult.

Understanding what is going on will help you to deal with all of the childish behavior. You have to view them not as adults, but as children, because this is how they are choosing to act.

What can you expect from an adolescent with self esteem issues?

Gossip--they have to talk about others behind their backs and cut them down, make fun because this is the only way they can feel good about THEMSELVES.

Cliques--Safety in numbers, they are afraid and helpless on their own, so they seek out others like them (birds of a feather flock together). I would be willing to bet, if 3 in the group didn't show up to work one day, the 4th would act totally different. That person alone wouldn't dare to continue the behavior because they have no back up. Depending on how needy they are for the group, it wouldn't surprise me if that co worker actually hid for the day, tried to avoid you and everyone else they treat like poo otherwise.

The bottom line is you can't change them. You can't help how you feel, but you CAN choose how you let it affect you. Something I learned awhile back when dealing with difficult people is just treating them how they act. They act as if they are weak simple minded people with serious emotional issues, so treat them that way. I'm not at all telling you to begin to act like them, I'm telling you to see them and their behavior for what it is. Petty and ridiculous. You can only expect adult behavior from an adult. True, they may have an adult body, but their emotional selves are far behind.

Part of your frustration (I believe) is your expectation that they will begin to act appropriately. They can't, and you can't make them.

Is it hard to work day after day with such an immature group? Yes! But you have to work because you need money. So you have to find a way to work around them and their middle school mentality. When they begin their gossip or try to make you angry, picture in your mind that you are back in middle school and they are behaving like that in the hallway. Seriously, put them where they belong. As silly as it sounds, when you change YOUR perception of them, from a group of coworkers that are against you-- to what they really are, a group of emotionally stunted people with serious personal issues, it will honestly help you to realize that they are the ones with the problem, not you. It will be much easier for you to get through the day without the distractions so you will be able to get your work done.

People who are critical (such as this group) are very unhappy people. They may SEEM like they have it all together on the outside (after all, if it didn't, if it was clearly evident that they were off or had issues, their behavior wouldn't be troublesome) but I can guarantee you, there are some deep seated issues going on internally.

Seeming to "have it all" is very important to these types. They may appear to have money, looks, solid personal relationships, etc... They put a lot into maintaining this false illusion, and thats truly what it is. Because internally, they have utter chaos churning in their gut. The unhappier the person on the inside, the harder they try to cover it up on the outside.

They are unable to control the inner turmoil, so they try desperately to control the outward appearance. These people carry a great deal of shame and self hatred.

It is a very basic and simple idea. A happy person is evident. It is obvious to others because they are kind, understanding, gracious and helpful. An emotionally healthy person will lift others up. Oh, they are allowed to have a bad day too, but when they do, they won't try to make you miserable as well. If they notice you are down and they know you well, they may say a kind word or ask if they can do something for you. If they are just an aquaintence, such as a co-worker they most likely won't pry, but they may offer to lighten your load a bit by taking over a small task for you. They may do nothing at all except to stay out of your way and give you your space.

But boy, misery LOVES company. So profound really. A miserable person enjoys the attack. They are sad and miserable, full of anger and resentment, and they are looking for victims. They are bullies. They have to make you feel small, in order for them to feel big. They are exactly opposite on the inside, how they try to be percieved on the outside.

Again, I know its hard dealing with this sort of thing. And since you can't change them, you have to change you. See right thru them. Know that when they are behaving badly its because they are small helpless children inside. This will take the sting out of their words and actions. It will take time, but eventually, you'll be able to rise above and ignore the silliness.

Depending on the situation, its possible that at some point, you might have the opportunity to be gracious to one of them in some small way. This usually throws these people off. Kind of like the "kill them with kindness routine".

In no way am I saying you should be kind to them even though they are rude to you. I'm saying that once you have confidently been able to set aside their behaviors and you are no longer troubled by what is going on, most likely they will retreat. Just like in middle school, when the bullies aren't getting the REaction they want, they tire and move on. Its only fun for them if they can get to you. Your irritation, anxiety and inability to ignore is what fuels them. Once you stop allowing them to annoy you, they will most likely find some other source.

When this happens, you have another choice, and its totally dependant on you and how you feel about the situation. You can go about your business and just let them wallow in their mud puddle existence, or you can reach out with a small gesture, such as holding the door for them when they are behind you, or a smile and greeting of hello when passing. Just something tiny. And I'll tell you why this could be good for you. Internally, when we are able to give grace where none has been given to us, it does something unbelievably wonderful for your soul. The ability to give kindness where kindness has been given is easy, comes naturally. BUT the ability to be kind in the face of diversity is truly an accomplishment!

Good luck to you!