How to get child/pre-teen to be obedient?

Question

I have a child 12 days short of being 13 y/o who rarely does as i tell her,when i tell her she needs to do this, or that she always says wait, i will later, or she finds an excuse to not do it, or just argues about it until i give up buging her to do it, she's the same heigth/weight as me so i hate to try holding her back from just leaving on her bike, or from walking to her friends house because she can over power mei'm also paralyzed on my left side, if i threaten to take something away as punishment she will search for it, & take it back, &, or sometimes my husband wont agree w/ the punishment i chose, so she gets out of that punishment anyway like grounding her to the house,that being no going outside except for going to school, or if she's w/ a parent when she does. does anybody have any idea/ideas on how i can make her do as i tell her, & when i tell her to do so?I'm geting to the point i feel like moving away from my daughter, & husband because it seems i'm getting so sick of her not obeying me, & respecting me! i'm afraid of it getting to the point of hating her

Answer 1

Obedient?? What is she a dog?

You need to learn to work together, instead of her being "obedient".

Set up a reward system to where when she does the stuff she is suppose to she gets extra rides to the mall a month or some, she gets to stay out :30 later than she usually does.

She is 12 almost 13, you have to remember that 12/13 year olds aren't small children, they are much more mature than you think. So, there is a difference in you give orders all the time and you two working together and her doing the things she needs to when needed.

It sounds like you want her to be completely submissive and stop on a dime to do what you ask, right when you ask no matter what and i'm sorry but no HUMAN BEING is going to do that.

I agree, your daughter needs to respect you but how can she when it doesn't seem like you are on her side whatsoever.

Answer 2

First, you and your husband need a united front in raising/disciplining your children.  This is key.  The very fact that a child knows they can go to the other parent when one lowers the boom gives that kid power and a loophole to do as they please or get out of what they do not want to do.

This may need a 3rd party, a family counselor.  You and your husband need to learn how to communicate concerning your daughter, and come to agreement.  You each need to learn how to back the other up when a necessary punishment is administered.

Have you ever balanced time with her?  It sounds as if you place a lot of effort into getting her respect.  How much do you two just sit and talk - with you doing more of the listening and hearing where she is coming from?  No advice, no correction, just hear her out.  When was the last time you took her out for dinner or something she would like to do?

It is easy to get wrapped up in the problems that we can forget about the person.  I do not mean to judge you - I am merely speculating on what I see here.

You could ease up some.  Let's use her room for example.  You want her to clean it?  Well, try letting her have it as she wishes - with the exception of food, which can be funky if left in there.  But, if she doesn't want to clean it, don't pressure her.  However, if she wants something washed that she has not worn since the last laundry day, simply because it wound up on the floor, perhaps that could just be her problem.

Don't give up without a fight.  That is, do what you can to resolve the issues - yet, don't fight with your daughter.  Tell her, maybe remind her once, and that is it.  Then, whatever the punishment is, make sure that Mom and Dad agree and both of you have to stick with it.  If she breaks the punishment, raise the stakes.

Answer 3

I think you'd better consult professional advice for this one instead of just here on Answers.  Please check on the web for books written on this subject.  It's not going to be easy for you because she is just now approaching the worst age you'll ever bear with her.

Answer 4

You really answered your own question. You need to be consistent. If you say "NO" it means "NO" every single time! If you say she is grounded for a week.....that means 7 days....not 6 or 5....it means 7.

You and your husband need to get on the same page. She knows she can get away with things because you both allow her to. Maybe some counseling would help but you both need to want things to be different in order for it to do so.

Answer 5

First of all you need to talk with your husband and get on the same page, hopefully you can both ATLEAST agree that things are out of control. Secondly I would talk with your daughter and tell her exactly what you just said. Tell her that her actions will not be tolerated and there are going to be some changes as long as she is living in your house. If she is the type that is sensitive and will really reflect, tell her that the way things have been going lately makes you feel that she feels she would be better off without you. Tell her you love and and hate feeling like this and need it to change skip the first part if she is more of a strong set in her ways kid and tell her that your house will be somewhat peaceful and from now on before she turns on the tv after school she WILL make sure her room is clean and her stuff is all picked up throughout the house. Give her a break in the mornings bc i remember my childhood being a complete nightmare in the mornings and i was always runnig late so clothes were thrown everywhere. And thats fine, but the next time she walks through that door she better pick it all up. AND if she did make the mess in the morning without picking it up she will have to come home to clean it before going anywhere else. So those are her options, keep it clean all the time and be able to go out whenever (provided you have a curfew and appropriate rules) or make a mess in the morning and come home straight after school. If she goes to the friends house without permission call the mom and tell her to please send your daughter home. If she still doesnt come then go over and physically get her. dont be embarrassed...a good mother is always appreciated by other moms. NEVER go back on your word, once you say it, she has to do it. now. end of story. if your husband cares that much about it that he will undermine your authority i would suggest getting into marriage counseling to see what his real problem is, bc its not about you grounding her. Dont leave yet.