How to get rid of my mom's "boyfriend" for good or at least get my mom to see what he's really trying to do.

Question

I'm 21 now, yes I live with my mom, and this guy has been her on again, off again bf from 1992-1998, the break up was because of a really verbally abusive attitude from crack withdrawals, no, that's not a joke. He went to jail quite a few times because of child support and drugs, and every time he gets out, he's all nice and stuff, which sorely changes after about 10 months of being clean. He's stolen from us to pay for his addiction a few times when I was a kid, which made me develop trust issues with him. Now, he's fresh out of jail, coming over at 10 p.m. to "see his kids" when he knows that they're asleep and leaves early in the morning before they get up, this goes on twice a week. I can't sleep on the nights he's here, out of fear something's going to get stolen or someone's going to get hurt in the middle of the night, and I have to go to work early. I've told my mom this countless times and she just gets mad at me because now that he's coming around again, my opinions don't matter. My mom and I used to have a really close relationship, mainly because she's the only parent I know, this guy is tearing a rift between us and it really hurts. It's not only my mom and I either, it's her other 4 kids and her also. No matter what I say to her, or anybody else for that matter, doesn't get through to her that he's just using her for a place to bed down and get away from his halfway house a few nights a week.

So, any suggestions on how to get through to my mom would be awesomely appreciated.

Thank you.

Answer 1

I can see several things going on here.

First, you feel as though you must protect your mother from being used and abused by this guy. Second, your mother is the type of woman who believes she is helping him to change for the better. Third, he has the typical behavior of an addict, and will revert to the drug use.

  This is the text book example of co-dependency. Your mom's boyfriend is using your mom to avoid the responsibility of his actions, through manipulation. Your mother believes she is helping him to change to a better person, by protecting him from himself. You believe that that you can protect your mother from her actions.

  You may not realize this, but your mother has a psychological addiction that is similar in nature to gambling. She is addicted to the idea that she can change him into a better person.

  When you were a small child at the curious age where children don't take the advice of their parents, your mother told you not to touch the hot stove, or not to climb to the top of the refrigerator, but you did and got hurt as a result. The pain taught you to avoid those hazards.

   It is very difficult, but what you must do is NOT interfere between her and the boyfriend. By trying to interfere you are gaining her resentment, and setting yourself up to be the scape goat when relationship sours. Let her feel the pain that results form her actions, so she will learn to avoid such relationships. However, when the fall comes, be there to help her through the pain.  

Answer 2

I'm so sorry about your situation. That's a very sad  story you have but I'm fresh out of ideas and I really wish I could help. :)))

Answer 3

your a jealous boy try letting her live her own life and mind your own business.

Answer 4

Ask help from Dr.Phil. I'm serious.

Answer 5

I really don't know if you can, This is the time for you to be strong for you and your mom because she probably going to need you when things blow up again.  Don't be too critical of this guy even though you feel this way because it is not doing any good and it seems to upset your mom but try to be positive with her on other things in her life so that she might see that other things are important and not just this guy who might be giving her some attention that she might need right now.  

BE A STRONG SON FOR HER

Good luck with this

Answer 6

if u have tried everything to knock some sense into ur mom then u can no longer do anything about it..its really up to her...the only way for it to stop is for her to willingly stop seeing that guy..