How to get your husband to open up?

Question

My husband says he cannot tell a women they are beutiful its just not him but I am the kind of girl who needs affection and to be told that.

when we got married there was sparks he had this twinkle in his eye and he was allways wanting to be near me now 10 years later the sparks are gone. I still have the sparks for him but when I am sad, crying ect he never sits with me and talks to me even if I bring it up he says he has things to do.

I feel like he will leave me he says there is no one else for him but I keep having dreams he leaves me and they are recurring that in itself depresses me. I gained 150 pounds since we got married and will be getting Gastric bypass for that to help with my depression but I wish he was more there for me like he used to be.

Answer 1

hes a man, the fact that he even talked to u is a step up from alot of men.. he tells u theres nobody else for him.. believe him..maybe ur own insecurities are starting to affect how u think HE feels? possible.?

Answer 2

Depression affects everyone around you, not just you.  Depression also makes you more sensitive and prone to seeing things that aren't necessarily an issue.

Wait a few months after you surgery, and you'll see yourself change emotionally as well as physically.

This might be the change you'll both need to reignite the fire you both have been missing.  Men notice this too, but they rather sulk than express their emotions like we women do.

Hang in there.

Answer 3

can you try marriage counseling if not the best way is to talk about your issues keep talking if he doesn't want to listen then maybe you should reevaluate the relationship

Answer 4

Men are fairly simple creatures. They basically want food, s*x, respect, their children to be mothered, attention, appreciation, and communication. When they feel loved, they will often do whatever they can to make their wife happy.

The thing you want is that he tell you and show you that he finds you beautiful. Do you have a photo of yourself when you got married? Take it to a mirror and look at it compared to the way you look now. How big is the difference? Would you consider yourself beautiful in comparison? I understand that with age and if you hve had children, there may be some weight gain but if my partner were to gain 150 pounds, she would have to nearly double in size. How has it affected your fitness? You say that you are depressed, is that part of the problem? He may feel that you have taken the woman he married, at least physically, away from him. He would like to have her back. He does not say you are beautiful because he is being honest. Thatbhe does not want to talk and says whaterer, is because he feels helpless to "fix" the problem. Your recurring dreams and further depression are adding to the problem.  The bypass will hopefully help. Give it some time and in that time do what you can to also improve your fitness.

Your comment that you wish he was more there for you like he used to be, he is possibly wishing the same. Make a list of 5-10 things that he would probably like if you changed or changed back to the way you were when you got married. The way to see a change in him is to start with the change in yourself. One of the biggest changes is your attitude. He has told you that there is no one else for him, that probably means you are the one he still wants. He would probably prefer that you were more the way you were 10 years ago, physically, attitude, and activly.

I do not intend my answer to be sarastic, negative or hurtful. I hope you take a look at your situation and use what I wrote to become the woman you were, that is the way to get him to be the man he was. It is not a submission as some women may see, it or a manipulation of your husband, it is doing what is one of the most effective ways available to save your marraige and move foreward together with your husband.

Remember when you were first dating and married, the way you were and what you did. Put that together with what I first wrote in this answer, for effect. When a man talks about a problem, it is his way of finding or giving the solution, otherwise the mouth often remains closed. Women seem to want to talk about things to feel better, the solution is not as important as the feelings. One part interview with a prostitute comes to mind as to what could loose her customers and save some (in her words many) marriages. If a women wants to talk and have their husbands talk, she should first get her mouth busy in another manner, it will get his attention.

I do wish you the best. Your operation is a good step, just make sure you take the other steps also. When you do, he will probably want to walk with you.

Answer 5

brush him away, throw him out this donkey. you don'nt need him, look for a real man.

Answer 6

I am sorry you are feeling so scared and depressed. I know how it feels to be overweight. I have never been 150lbs overweight, but I was nearly 100lbs overweight at one point. I also have had issues with my weight,and body image, sense I hit puberty. I was a very skinny kid, a tomboy, who could squeeze between two fence posts locked together easily. When I hit puberty, I gained a normal weight, but my mother had an issue with me and told me I had become fat. Being a child, a little girl with her body changing so rapidly, what my mother had to say formed me opinion of what was OK and what wasn't. I didn't have anyone else to teach me I had only put on normal weight that a sudden size C breast, and natural curves in the hips, thighs, and butt, and that I was simply becoming a young woman. I think she may have been jealous. Since puberty I struggled with the fact all women are shaped differently, and that different men have different tastes, and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I was very lucky in my first, and now current husbands, because they love me for all of me, regardless of what I may weight from year to year. I totally understand what you mean when you say that the look in his eyes has changed, because we women look into our men's eyes and know what is there or isn't there any longer.

With that said, I also know that how I view myself has a huge impact upon how I think other people view me. Especially my men. I had a very difficult time understanding that my husband could find me attractive and beautiful when I couldn't see myself that way. I became very depressed, and disgusted by my appearance. I asked my husband one day how he could possibly find me attractive, and he asked me very simply, "How could I not find you attractive, your body changes are a direct result of you bearing my children?". I had no choice but to believe him because the look in his eyes spoke volumes.

Men simply do not understand at times how much attention women give their expressions. The look in their eyes can raise us up or crush us. If they look at us with disinterest, that is how we view ourselves. Our identity comes from within the eyes of those who we love and are with the most. Men think differently than women do, it is as simple as that. Many men believe the fact they are with a woman should tell her they love her. Most men are not as tied up in hearth and home as women are. They do not feel the pull to stay in a family simply because they have a family. Women stay because they cherish the family concept, the rearing of children, of having a relationship. Men stay because of creature comforts, and s*x, and yes, love. If they do not feel the creature comforts, receive s*x, or feel love, they will not stay, regardless of a marriage certificate, or children.

Please do not get me wrong, not all men are like this, but most truly are. Human men are more like bucks, they can come and go and feel fine living alone. There must be a strong bond to hold them in one place, with one women, for a lifetime.

The fact your husband is with you, even though you have gained 150lbs, shows he loves you. Lets suppose for the sake of argument, that your husband is less physically attracted to you with this extra weight. I am not saying he is less, only saying "what if". He obviously loves the whole you, the entire package, and values what is inside of you, the part that makes you the women he loves. Just because you gained this weight does not obliterate the woman he fell in love with. He gets upset when you are depressed because he doesn't put as much importance on your weight as he does your moods. When you are moody he feels upset because you are not yourself in those moments. He wants his wife back, the one who he enjoys being around, who he fell in love with, made a home with. Men don't get as emotional as women, they often are irritated with our moods, and simply want us to be OK emotionally. Men do not like having to "talk" much, especially about issues they do not find important or even relevant.

I don't think you need to get your husband to talk. Lose the weight for the both of you, so you are healthy and can live a longer, and happier life, but don't do it because you are afraid of losing your husband. Do it if it will help you feel better, do it for yourself. I am sure when you lose some weight you will say he is more interested because of the weight loss, but think for a moment or two before you do, because he probably will be responding to your better feeling about yourself, which translates into less depression, more happiness, and therefore being the women he fell in love with. If you were to try to be upbeat again now, more confident now, realize your worth now, he would respond now. Why not give it a try, you have nothing to lose. Try to put on a happy face, if you must fake it till you make it, and see how he responds. Be your old self, and real you who you think is gone because of the weight, bu

Answer 7

Okay,Sweetie, I have to stop at the fact that you gained 150 pounds!  That's gained and not your actual weight? Come on honey!! I have to assume that you are serious (?).  Why? Anybody who allows themselves to get that way can't care very much about themselves. What the h**l do you think his thoughts are at this  point? Gee, my wife cares so much that she will allow herself to get this way, what could she possibly feel towards me and more importantly, she doesn't give a rat's *** about herself!

Answer 8

I have found that regardless of weight You showing your independance is attractive, and you haven't been doing that,

You gained the weight had the babies, the man never goes through this! It's only us women who carry all lifes burdens when they want to spawn.

Anyhow, You've become needy and insecure, which is unattractive,

Once you gain your confidence back, no matter what weight He will rememeber and find you breathtaking

Answer 9

this is a hard thing to cope with but you really need to sit down with your husband. force him to listen to you. tell him your scared that he's going to leave you. you need to decide as a couple what has happend. if he truely loves you and feels the same than he'll listen. there are other mesures that can be taken like marrige counceling. but the main thing i think is to have a serious talk. in the end you have to do whta you think is right though. you are the only one who knows your husband and the bond you two share. so you need to decide what will be best for your relationship. i wish you luck!

Answer 10

i think that a lot of men are like him. so is mine. he left me but 3 months later he came back. we are just taking it slow now. i know this... you need to have communication and without that - theres nothing. i went through the same thing. i need love and affection too. maybe u can try to initiate more. thats where i went wrong. i should have showed him affection more also. i guess we learn from our mistakes. if you guys really love eachother it can work. marriage is hard work.

about your dream... i used to have those dreams all the time and my doctor said that means that he loves you alot. dont let your insecurities get in the way like i did. i think if i was more secure with myself this wouldnt have happened... good luck!!

Answer 11

Wow,  You and him certainly need to see a councilor.  If something doesn't come of that, your relationship is in serious jeapordy.  With him not wanting to do any thing, I can see why you are depressed.  You need to work on loving yourself more than him at the moment.  You also need supportive family and friends.  You might love him, but when he doesn't love you back, that hurts big time.  Get to a councilor first if things don't work out, you may have to rethink if he is really worth it.