How to handle a disrepectful young adult child?

Question

my daughter yells at me, and only does chores when she feels like it or can make time. her only chore is to unload and load the dishwasher, once a month, keep her room in order--not perfect, but just so you can walk around without stepping on clothes or tripping over anything. I told her that she was going to have to unload the dw, before I would drive her to work,which takes all of 5 minutes, and she refused and took my keys out of my pocket and drove to work! she said that i just don't know when to stop and work is important!

she constantly tells me to leave her alone and stop nagging her. i don't want to put her out because she is her last year of college and is very immature and would have a difficult time surviving. i got really frustrated and told her that if she can't follow the rules she was going to have to find another place to live. she told me that she is not going anywhere and slammed her door. she says that i don't listen to her and that i am unfair. I don't think that I am unfair to ask such a small thing. i turned off her cell phone. i don't know what else to do. i love her, but i can't tolerate her behavior. any suggestions?

Answer 1

Well if you ask me, I'd say, let this thing loosen up a bit.

Don't let yourself feel down due to your daughters behaviour.

It is very evident that you love and care for your child.

You want her to live a disciplined and orderly life.

But all along, you are forgetting that your little girl is not a little girl anymore. She is offficially an ADULT (though immature).

You must remember that there is time when you have a hold over your kids.

You can teach them do's and don't's of life. You can help them avoid making mistakes.

You teach them to make right choices.

At that time, the kids have no other option but to obey. That is the time when the kids are NOT ADULTS.

As they grow old. You should sometimes let them do what they do. Let them make their own choices. If they make wrong choices, your heart should be at rest that you had guided your child right but SHE chose to go wrong. The best you could do was to warn her.

Now your daughter wants to live on her own terms not yours. She just wants to have some space. That's why she behaves in such a manner like not cleaning her room. Perhaps she likes it that way.

About your daughter...she should follow the rules. She should learn the art of ADJUSTMENT. When people live together they should live in harmony. They should do what is acceptable to all.

What you can do about it???

Now as a mother your role should change from a nagging mom to a friend and guide.

She is still your daughter. She has just stepped out of the house. She has begun to explore. She may not have encountered with hard realities of life. She needs your support NOW. She may not value it now but she might do so later.

Let her make her own choices. If she does face a difficulty, LET HER come to you.

You should act like a parent. And please do not expect any household help from your daughter. Expectations stand as an obstacle in restoring relationships.

You do your part and leave the rest to GOD.

Answer 2

If she's over 18, boot her out!! Yes, be available and even let her come back home when she has a new attitude. I'm dealing with almost the same thing, but mine is only 15 or she would be out-on-her-ear! Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

No offense, but you sound like a pushover. If you let your daughter walk all over you now, you're doing her a disservice; she'll expect everything to fall into her lap later on in life. She's old enough to drive, and yet she has two SIMPLE chores to do, which are ignored anyway. Maybe you should have her move somewhere else. She sounds like she needs a reality check.  

Answer 4

I have to say mother this is all your fault. Your daughter did not start behaving this way yesterday. This started when she was a child and you let her get away with it. You probably thought it was cute when she was young. Well, it ain't cute now and she is no longer a child. It took her years to become this disrespectful brat. (I mean no disrespect to you)

All I would need is two weeks with your daughter. Unfortunately that will not happen. Lucky for her.

This is the result of mothers who feel their kids are just expressing themselves and let them go wild. I'm getting angry just writing this. There is no reason any child should disrespect their parents. What a lot of mothers do is let their child become their equal. Wrong! He or she is not your equal. You are the mother, period. You are not her girlfriend you are her mother. You are not her bud you are her mother. You are not her sister you are her mother. I don't care if you DO look like her sister, you are NOT. YOU gave birth to her.

I raised two sons and two daughters and if they were to read your letter they would laugh so hard and say "she should have had our mother".  They have said it before to some of their friends. I never mistreated my children and they knew when they were old enough to understand who was the adult and who was the child and they never even tried to cross that line. Results: Very respectful, polite, caring, compassionate and giving adults.

What you did is let this undisciplined brat control you from day one. You cannot change her now. Since you don't want to put her out and she doesn't listen to anything you have to say I will not suggest anything but this is so sad.

Answer 5

This isn't an issue that has started now, you never gave her guidance in maturity, discipline and respect. Now it is very difficult. Sit with her and lay out her options, share responsibilities and chores or move out.

If need be lock her out of house.  

Answer 6

Hi she is just testing you out and they do push hard but if you say something try and stick to it no matter how hard it is she will then and only then know where the boundary lines are. as at the moment she is getting a no from you but know you don't really mean it/so dose she or she can twist it so you feel  bad that's what they are good at you say it all my saying she is immature so when you say no mean it keep to it no matter what its hard but can be  done i wish you lots of luck take care x

Answer 7

You teach your children to respect things their entire life. Now that she is big she is doing the same thing she did 5 years ago only it is more noticable now. Who cares if you are nagging. Sit her down and let her know what is up. You love her, respect her, care about her, and expect her to act like an adult and not a little teenager.  

Answer 8

Tough love is the only way. pack her bags and change the locks..and tell her she has to follow the rules if she wants to stay otherwise  you have to get your own place.

Answer 9

Time for a family meeting.  Right now she's behaving like a rebellious teenager and not an adult.  Let her know that, BUT you have to now start treating her like an adult rather than a snotty self entitled teen.  That means you tell her what you expect of her if she is going to continue living in the home now that she's an adult.  That means no nagging, no harping, no constant reminders from you.  you tell her once what is expected and then leave her to deal and suffer the consequences--and there will be consequences.

have a weekly chore list with what she is expected to do/pay for in order to remain part of the household.  Have a time limit on when you expect it to be done each week.  Then leave her alone.  Don't nag, don't talk to her about it, don't say anything.  IF/when the time rolls by that the chore is not done then she loses a privilege (such as no car if she's using a car that you are paying for, or she gets a curfew--if she doesn't have one.  or if you are in the habit of giving her spending money/an allowance then she doesn't get it that week. Really, unless she has a super hard area of study, she should be working part time--either through work study, career specific internship, or just a part time job to pick up spending money.  you know her, you figure out what is going to get her attention).  She earns her privilege back by doing her share of the household work or by hiring someone to do it for her.

If she is going to stay in the house once she graduates then she starts paying rent for her room and board (between $100-300, depending on the going rate for your area) OR she picks up one or two of the small utility bills in the house.

None of this is being mean or unfair or cruel.  It's you being mom and teaching her real life responsibility that she is going to need to learn how to handle.  you're just doing it in a different way than you would if she were a minor child.

you stop the yelling by not yelling back.  Speak to her in a firm but low voice.  This will force her to be quiet and listen to you.  yelling at her only makes her yell louder and not listen to you.  Both of you sit down when you speak with her. standing creates confrontation and puts up her defences.  Sitting is a bit more relaxed.

If she doesn't like the new rules, then she can find on campus housing or get a roommate in off campus housing.  you can give her a 30 day time limit to leave if she doesn't like it.  If she is refusing to leave and refusing to do what she needs to do then you pack her stuff up for her and change the locks.  Harsh but sometimes necessary.  you stop the disrespect by commanding respect and you command respect by not letting her steamroll over you and holding her accountable for her actions.  If you aren't willing to do this then nothing changes and you are held hostage in your own home by an out of control temper tantrum throwing child in an adult's body with a college degree.

Answer 10

You do realize that was auto theft, right?  I would have considered involving the authorities as a wake up call to her.  If not this time I would certainly let her know that next time I would report the car stolen and then I would follow through.  Don't make a threat you won't back up.

But the cell phone is a good place to start.  You don't get the privileges of living in a house if you're not doing the work to help maintain that house.  Especially when what you're asking her to do is so little.

Answer 11

She's a year from being done with college? Which means she's in her twenties, and your allowing her to treat you this way? I'd simply sit down and tell her straight forward she has two weeks to find herself some humility or a new place to live. If she thinks your kidding, pack her things for her (leave on porch) and change the locks on the doors. She be much more willing to be reasonable once she realizes that she can't push you around like she's obviously been able to do for quite awhile. Nothing will change unless you stand up and start teaching her how to be an adult.