How to handle future mother-in-law and wedding planning?

Question

I would like a small wedding, but my fiancé and I probably can't even afford much of one at that. His mother would like to pay for all or most of it, but I know that she and I disagree on almost every aspect of what our wedding should look like. She thinks it should be a big, elaborate production, and I'm just not comfortable or happy with that. His mother and I are friends, but I think that if we started planning a wedding with her help, it would become "her" wedding or a giant argument. It is important to me to have some kind of traditional ceremony (not considering eloping). Any advice on how to handle the situation without hurting anyone's feelings? Should we just try to pay for a wedding ourselves even though that won't look like what we want either? Looking for thoughtful advice.

Answer 1

Yes, yes, oh, very yes- go with what you can afford, be firm, and be much, much happier!  I've been involved in weddings for more than 20 years, and you have to trust your instincts on this. The friction from this -if you take her money for the sake of a "big" wedding-  could affect your relationship with yr m-in-l for the rest of your marriage. Stay with a small, simple ceremony. First, you and your fiance must be of one mind: make your peace with what you CAN afford, and stick to it. You can have a lovely traditional ceremony without going into debt or wrecking your relationship with  yr m-in-l.   When you've decided and made arrangements, inform folks happily, firmly and politely, in a non-emotional way: "Mom, thanks for your offer, but we've decided to have / do/ this, and it really is what we want." Smile and move on to the next topic - money is control, and if you let this become an issue between you, you're settling yourself up for a marriage full of struggle. Take that energy and invest it in getting ready to be married, not in spending that'll bring stress and division and trouble. The benefit is that the simpler and within your budget your wedding is, the less can go wrong, and the less you have to worry abt. It can be a lot of fun to make it a goal to spend as LITTLE as possible, especially if you have like minded friends and approach it like a treasure hunt. A recent bride I worked with walked down the aisle in a beautiful ivory lace suit that looked as if it was made for her. It was the talk of the ceremony - she and I and the matron of honor were in hysterics at the reception. That stunning suit cost $7.50!!!  She avoided the usual haunts and went looking in thrift and off price consignment shops, and nobody knew but a few. Staying within a reasonable budget keeps your checkbook healthy, your relationships with relatives sane, and you as stress free as any bride can be!! I wish you luck - and a long, happy, blessed, joy-filled marriage!

Answer 2

You two just plan for the type of wedding which you can pay for yourselves.

Answer 3

Sounds like your in a tough siuation. Just try to compromise with your mother in law I supose. Or from the start jsut explain to her as nice as you can what you are looking for in a wedding. If she seems to be taking over things just let her know what you originally wanted and that its your wedding, not hers.

Answer 4

The only way to keep complete control over your wedding is to pay for it yourself...you let your MIL foot the bill & she'll insist on having the wedding her way.......

Have a small immediate family & close friend type wedding with a cake & punch reception...you'll have to schedual it for after lunchtime but before dinner...and have it last only 2-3 hours.........no DJ, just some nice music playing in the background......many go that route and the wedding is a lovely affair...good luck.

Answer 5

If you know you won't enjoy the wedding she would plan, then don't accept her money and do what you and your fiance can afford.  You probably won't get out of this without insulting your future mother in law, but the important thing is that you get married.  If you can't afford a large wedding, then pay for a small church ceremony and a cake and punch reception after.

If you take her money, you need to be prepared to lose all/part of the right to make decisions. Money=control.

Sorry

Answer 6

Let her have her way, it is her wedding when she is paying for it. There will always be stings attached when you accept money from her

Answer 7

Do what I'm doing. Send out invitations for an engagement party and only invite close friends and relatives. Have light finger foods and cocktails. Then... come out with wedding attire and suprise all your guests with a suprise wedding. No muss, no fuss. You're done.

Answer 8

I would sit down with her and talk to her about what you want for the wedding and then see if she is still willing to help. Maybe after you tell her she'll like some of your ideas and be willing to pay for those. Or you can do what I'm doing and just not tell anyone but your fiance and bridal party anything until you send out Save the dates or invitations. Our families don't even know the date of our wedding! We're paying for our entire wedding (we're saving money while we plan and buying things when they go on sale). Otherwise, I don't see what else you can do.

Answer 9

Don't, don't, don't.  Just have the wedding that you can afford.  However, if she does want a lot more invitees, ask her if she will front the money just for those extra plates (no other planning involved).  Do take her along to look at wedding dresses though, if she is not overcritical.  I think a lot of people like to do that.  If you have selected a caterer and are trying 'samples' take her along for that as well.  Just tell her in advance that you thought it would be fun if she came along, but explain that she should not feel hurt if you make a selection different than what she would do.

My future MIL isn't a problem at all. It's the FIL and stepmother and fortunately, they are a long way away.