How to handle my grandmother's inability to deal with my mother?

Question

Ever since my parents split up my grandmother has often frequently badmouthed my mom in such a way that suggests the divorce is her fault and that she was a bad mother and that by continuing to have her in my life my brother and I are somehow betraying her and her family.

As a child I grew up believing her and eventually came to realize that this stemmed not from my mother's motives for divorce (which are perfectly understandable given my father's abusive and sometimes violently explosive anger), but with my grandmother's inability to deal with my mother and the divorce itself.

This has always been a sore spot because I often hear my grandmother talk about how hard divorce is on children and blaming my mother for making it hard on us for divorcing. In those moments I feel like screaming that if only she would shut up about it it may not be so hard on us!

Last year at Christmas she made a fit because I chose to visit my mother for one day and she wouldn't preferred that I make pastries with her that day. I had never committed to this with her, but because we had talked about it hypothetically she felt betrayed and got upset with me for visiting my mother. It meant nothing to her that because of my work schedule and having to split plans with two uncooperative families this was the only day I could see my mom during the holidays.

I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I have to live in a way that I am forced to pretend my mother doesn't exist whenever I am around her or talk to her.

Once I was recovering from surgery and she was nice enough to let me stay in her home that week. My mother was coming to pick me up and my grandmother made another scene and said she's not coming here and forced me to take a taxi across town in the middle of winter with open stitches to meet my mother at my father's girlfriend's place so I could get a ride back home.

I don't want to accommodate my grandmother's childish fits anymore and I don't know how to get away from this. I realize I can't change her, but I can't take this anymore either.

What should I do??

Answer 1

You can tell your grandmother that it makes divorce harder on you when she talks about it, and to please stop badmouthing your mother. You can tell her directly that you aren't going to spend time with her if she continues, and you can leave when she does badmouth your mom, or just not visit if she doesn't agree not to.

Answer 2

Recognize that your grandmother's strife with your mother is between the two of them, and them alone.  It has nothing to do with you - you are just the innocent bystander.

Tell yoru grandmother flat out that while she is entitled to her opinion, it is tactless of her to mention it in your hearing.  Remind her that you love everyone in your family, including your mother, and including your grandmother, so it is not appropriate ffor any family member to harm you by insulting another family member.  Ask that your time together be kept on happy common ground, without any negative insinuations.  

If she doesn't respect your request, then that is her decision, and you have every right to reduce or eliminate the amount of time you spend with her.