How to handle this situation?

Question

Okay, Can someone give me any suggestions? This is sort of a repeated question, minus the mother in law!

My husband (Pete) and I have been bickering lately. Mostly about spending more time with his friend (Ross) than with me. He invites his friend to run errands or watch movies with us. Pete will often change plans to include Ross.

Ross has depression, lower IQ, but over-all a nice person. If Pete asks him to come over, he will. I don't have a problem with Ross directly.

I have a problem with Pete constantly inviting him during all of his free time and not telling me until Ross shows up. Pete won't spend time with me unless we are doing something, but he will sit with Ross and just talk for hours.

Pete has been doing better about balancing his time and compromising. But many times he changes the plans around, which affects me and my time with him. We are working on compromising & communicating more effectively.

I have talked to Pete and told Ross what's going on.

I've been leaving the house if Ross is over for a few hours and try to find something else to do. But I rather be home after work to relax.

Do you have any suggtions on what else I can do?

Answer 1

I would tell your husband that you do not want Ross to come over so much.  It's your house too.  Ask him to spend more time with you - without Ross.  Why is he spending so much time with him anyways?  

Answer 2

It sounds like you have it all going in the right direction.

In addition to your good work.  I would not always leave the house!  You will eventually feel resentful about this and it won't help the situation.  I would actually spend some of that time with them both, joining it, being supportive of your husband supporting his friend.  In other words, make it your domain also !

And sometimes, leave them to it for boys time and go & do something fun & constructive in a way that you won't feel you miss out nor having to leave because Ross is there, yet again.

Great work.  Good Luck.  I have every confident in you.

Answer 3

I had the same problem with my ex before things got really bad. what i suggest is talking to you man about the way you feel. i understand how it can make you feel like your not important in his life. i felt the same way. talk to him and hopefully he can tell his friend to get lost for a while.

Answer 4

Ok, enough already.

I already gave you the answer and quite frankly, I am getting tired of hearing about these two homos-

THEY ARE g****y HOMOS and your "husband" is STILL WITH Tom Cruise in the CLOSET!

Get it now?!

Answer 5

Well your husband seems to want to spend more time with this guy than you , so how do you make someone interested if their not I feel your pain i had to deal with this before myself and it hurts, I mean maybe take sometime out for yourself and spend more time your friends if he likes this time away then I say your in real trouble.

Sorry if thats real blunt

Answer 6

the key to any relationship is effective communication.

you said youre already working on that so keep it up.

maybe you could look at it from a little different perspective too. ross is petes hobby. how many hobbies do you have? get another one that does not involve pete or ross. lots of women beg for 'me' time and never get it. take advantage of it now that youve got it. spend more time away from pete on purpose and ask him to schedule his time with ross during those periods but reserve other times for you.

Answer 7

I hate to tell you this, dear. But it sounds like pete and ross have a "broke back mountain' relationship going on.

Answer 8

You are correct. Your problem is with your husband and not Ross.

It would be rude to tell Ross to leave, as he is an invited guest.

Ross has no ill-will toward you or your marriage.

Sadly, it sounds like your husband is using Ross to avoid being alone with you.

A discussion needs to take place without bringing up Ross' name.

You need to ask your husband:

1. Why he does not want to spend quality time alone with you

2. Why he needs a third party present at all times

3. Why he can communicate with others, but has trouble communicating with you one-on-one

Leaving Ross' name out of the equation forces him to respond regarding his actions.

If he brings Ross up, tell him that this is not about Ross. This is about him and the break down of your marriage.

His actions are speaking loudly, and his answers to the above questions should give you some insight as to why he is behaving the way he is.

Does he fear being alone with just you?

Does having a third party present help him to avoid dealing with the issues in your relationship?

Does he spend hours talking to others so that he does not have to confront you about his feelings?

Best wishes

Answer 9

Lisa G is offering you the best advice