How to improve communication with a family member?

Question

My father and my grandmother are both passive-aggressive in the way they communicate and although in the past I was always patient and complacent with them, I've learned this only encourages the behaviour and damages my own mental health. I want this pattern to stop.

I realize I cannot control them, but I really need to find ways to deal with their behaviour so that I am not forced to cut contact off entirely.

Here's an example of a situation I don't know how to handle:

I've been really busy lately and although I talk to my family regularly, I don't call as often as they feel I ought to. This is a problem because I partly have diminished contact lately because I'm unable to deal with the passive-aggressiveness and it means that whenever we do talk it increases as a result.

The other day my father apparently spoke to my grandmother and when she asked if he had heard from me and how I was doing he said he didn't know and hadn't heard. Upon this they both called me 6 times that day at various moments when I wasn't around my phone so I got like 12 missed calls.

I was out of town by the time I checked my phone and figured I'd try them later when I wouldn't be paying long distance when my grandmother called. I figured I'd take it, but it seems to have been a mistake.

Instead of asking how I'm doing or introducing the conversation, she simply asks in a very demanding/aggressive tone: DID YOU CALL YOUR FATHER?

This put me on the defensive right away and I didn't really know what she wanted other than to grill me because she was frustrated adn evidently felt I was supposed to have called and didn't care about whatever valid reason I had not to.

I tried to tone it down by asking her what she meant, hoping she would explain herself, but no such luck.

She continued yelling at me until all I could do was just agree with what she was saying.

This was infuriating for me and I don't ever want to deal with that kind of behaviour if I can avoid it.

Unfortunately, communicating with her directly is very hard. She is getting on and has a hard time with concepts sometimes and although I can understand this, it doesn't mean that I have to accept this every time I talk to her.

Calling more often doesn't help either, as has been my experience and my aunt's experience, who would sometimes call her 10 times a day hoping at least one conversation would end positively. But no such luck.

Anyway, does anyone have any tips on dealing with such passive-aggressive behaviour? Thanks so much.

Answer 1

Sometimes it may help to ignore tone and just answer based on the words said.  E.g., when your grandmother asks if you called your father, you can say "yes, I did", or "no, I didn't" and leave it at that as you change the subject to ask her how she's doing. You don't have to read into it that you're under attack and were supposed to call and have to explain why you didn't, and asking her what she meant is giving her an opening to create drama.

If she's yelling, you can say, "I'm not going to continue this conversation when you're yelling at me. I love you and I'll be happy to talk to you when you're able to be polite".

Anyway, those approaches work for me with my 2 dramatic family members.