How to keep from murdering my future mother in law?

Question

She decorated the whole church without me (THE BRIDE) and she told me that she wasnt decorating until tomorrow and then she goes and does it today! I AM SO FURIOUS! Everything is now her way just like she wanted and it is no longer my day... how do i handle this. my fiance didnt know that she was decorating today and she told him not to call me I AM MAD!!! Where do I go from here?

Answer 1

well..does it look good? did it turn out to look nice? if so then i wouldnt worry about it. if it looks THAT bad go get some decorations and decorate it yourself and fix what you dont like. really, if it looks okay i wouldnt worry to much about it..she was trying to help, not intentions of making you mad.

Answer 2

1.  Option 1:  Go change it.

2.  Option 2:  If you don't have time to go back and change it; LAUGH at it.

3.  Option 3:  is NOT an option to empower her by getting upset about this.  NEVER let her see you upset at something she does, ever.  But you should let her know that you see her efforts as

"Very nice; but (snicker) not what we wanted."

This woman wants very much to still be in the picture, as part of her son's life.  She's suffering from empty next symdrome.  

All Mom's suffer this for a little while.

Allow some leaway...as this will continue for a while, until you two TOGETHER gently let her know that HER ways are not YOUR-TWO ways.  Don't be mean...do it with humor.

She WILL get tired of looking silly to you two, and start backing off.

Answer 3

Go back tomorrow and change it. Why was she involved anyway? I would tell your fiance to make sure she butts out in the future or you are going to have major problems.  

Answer 4

WOW - even my off base mother in law wouldn't go this far! Well, what you need to do is to get your bridesmaids and/or friends to help you undo it and fix it so that it is YOUR way - afterall it is YOUR wedding. Then tell whoever is in charge at the church not to allow her in or to do anything else. You could actually - fix it the night before the wedding late at night so she won't know the difference until the wedding and it's too late. She's just trying to rile you up - but not to worry - she won't be attending the honeymoon! Don't let her stop you from getting married! Eventually, even your husband to be will get sick of her antics and then you'll get some breathing space! If you fix it the night before then you can say - WOW - you inspired me and gave me some great ideas that I wanted to do - thanks for your help!! Whatever you do - don't make a big deal of this with your husband to be. You don't need to have in law arguments yet - there will be plenty of time for that after you are married. Remember, in laws are one of the top reasons why people get divorced. So be careful not to let her drive a wedge between you two!

Answer 5

You know what?  This really isn't going to matter that much in the long run.  She might have thought it would be nice for a surprise, or maybe she just felt like she could do a much better job of it.  Maybe she just got so creative, she couldn't stop.  Some people can't do things like that in a group setting, they have to concentrate and let it flow.  

Try not to believe she did this to hurt you.  I really feel that, if she wanted to make you mad or hurt you, she would have totally deserted you and not wanted to help at all.

And why is this suddenly not your wedding?  You can still go in there and add some things that you want.  

There are so many things still needing to be done, I would certainly not worry about church decorations.  I am sure you have had your way about almost everything, so if I were you, I'd let her have this.  

You can still have a wonderful and fun day, but not if you are angry.  Let it GO.

Answer 6

No longer your day for the want of church decorations? A little dramatic, aren't we?

I don't get it, how could he have not known if she told him not to call you about it.....strange.

So, go over there tomorrow and change it....that's all.

Don't make mountains out of molehills....in the whole scheme of things it's just flowers....make a major issue of it now and you'll be setting the stage for a lot of in-law drama on both sides.

Answer 7

Change the parts you want changed. Ask a good friend to stay at the church (maybe more than one friend if they need to rotate) and make sure things stay the way you like them.

But, ask yourself if it's ugly, or if you're just mad because she went behind your back. If it's pretty, then I wouldn't worry about it. She shouldn't have done that though after what she told you. Not very kind.

EDIT: On second thought; why not call her up and tell her that you had wanted to be there when she decorated. However, you appreciate her hard work and made just a few changes that would work better with the ceremony the way it was planned. In other words, call her bluff. If you get there on your wedding day and it's moved back. Graciously get your dad and/or some of the groomsmen to help move things back the way you want. Tell your dad to keep an eye on things and make sure she doesn't rearrange again. And let it be. No ugly exchange, and you're calling her bluff.

Answer 8

for me the bigger issue is that your man knew what she did and took her side by not telling you about it. she is making her power play and letting you know that she still has control.  thats not good in my books!

if it were me i would go to the church on my own and make some changes in order to feel like it was my decorations! i sure wouldn't tell the groom, or the bridal party, or anyone else, that way no one can accidently let it slip to her that you've changed it all again.  

perhaps she thought she was helping tho if she did it behind your back i would say she was trying to get her own way without any confrontations.  so go change it. you'll feel better.

if you let her win this skirmish she may get the impression that you are a doormat and she can walk over you whenever it suits her.  and sweetie the longer you let them walk over you the harder it is to stand up for yourself! so............go make some changes so that it reflects your taste, your day and your wedding.  and take heart in knowing that when she sees it changed she'll know you aren't going to let her have her own way.

good luck and have a wonderful wedding!

Answer 9

I know you must be beyond upset, after all this is your day.  I would recommend that for the sake of peace at your wedding you don't say anything to her until after everything is said and done.  If you still have a chance to go the church tomorrow, feel free to go and make the changes that you want to see done.  If she shows up remind her that this is your day and there are certain things that you wanted to see in your pictures and as you walked down the aisle, let her know that you had a certain vision of what your day would look like.  Don't be disrespectful, don't be a bridezilla about it but stand your ground. Remember she might be feeling useless or she might have thought she was giving you a hand, since you must be so busy, it is no excuse for her not respecting your wishes, but be mindful of why she is doing it.  After the wedding, I would sit down with her and explain calmly that you wished she would have checked with you first before moving forward with the decorations.  Be civil, after all you are marrying her son and you will be seeing her around.  And remember to smile because all that really matters is that you are marrying the man you love an will spend the rest of your life with.  Good Luck!!!  

Answer 10

What's done is done.  You've got other things to think about, including whether to call off the wedding.

Answer 11

Go to the church..Take the decorations down, and do it yourself. That will take care of it. It is your day, and your wishes should have been agreed to. It doesn't feel like the start of a beautiful frienship, that's for sure. She seems like a controlling witch. Poor you.  

Answer 12

I was grumpy at my MIL at first too...She was pushy & tried to "Help" too much.

Then she had a heart attack right in front of me & died right on my living room floor with me doing CPR...

Pick your battles wisely & If you can't get along with MIL you shouldn't marry her son.

I'm sorry

Answer 13

ya dont kill her that might make ur fiance mad but just remember its all about you and ur man

Answer 14

You call that woman and tell her in no uncertain terms exactly how displeased you are with what she did.  You tell her what you told us that you feel she stole your wedding day from you.  You tell her that you are MAD and that you do not appreciate her taking over and lying to you about the date that she was going to do the decorating.  Tell her that under no circumstances is she to ever do anything like this again if she expects to be a part of your life and the lives of any children that you have. Tell her that you know what she was trying to do and if that is what she considers helping then you want no more of her help ever.  Tell her that you consider that she has RUINED YOUR wedding. Then hang up on her and cut her dead at the wedding.  Ignore her as much as possible.  Tell her when you will be taking the family pictures and then take them at some time when she is not present.  That will teach her a lesson and serve as a constant reminder.  

Is this rude? You bet it is,  You need to fight fire with the same rude inconsiderate fire or you are gonna do a slow angry burn for the length of your marriage.  If your fiance wants to stand up for his mom, You cut him down to size and let him know that you will not tolerate this sort of behavior from her and you are not going to stand for him defending it. Tell him to chose between mommy and you and to do it right now.  If he is not as outraged as you and does not let her know that HE is upset about this you need to drop kick him to the next county.  How dare her do this?  Now is absolutly NOT the time to be polite and try to keep the peace.  She has thrown down the gauntlet,  you better throw it back with equal vigor or guess who wins and controls your life...and ya don't want that.

You need to take such extreme actions and attitudes or else this rude and manipulative woman will ruin your life

Answer 15

Tell her that this is your wedding day, not hers. If she mention that she is just helping her little boy to decorate the church, at least she needs to ask you opinion!

But well, maybe she's giving you a surprise or something? I think you better call your fiance about it.

Answer 16

go to the church when you had planned and put everything the way you want.  SHe may have just been trying to help but it took a wrong turn (I don't know her and you've given no background) So from what you wrote I see no ill-will on her part just a mis-guided attempt to help.

Either way, whether it was to get her way or just to help either a) go fix it tomorrow and forget about it and enjoy your day or b) just forget about it and enjoy your day.

Don't let this last second set back ruin it for you. I'm sure it will be a perfect day either way.

good luck hun! and on your day don't forget to breath;)

Answer 17

Well I am sure this is not the first time you realized she would be the mother in law from h**l. That should have given you the clue not to marry her son. This will be a short lived marriage...