How to let go of emotional pain you have tried to avoid?

Question

For many years i have tried to avoid getting into any situation with a man that may cause me pain. Through bad choices of my own and the way i was raised i haven't had a lot of luck in that area. Then my daughter gets married. He is a nice enough guy. Works hard comes home and fair father, the man was practicaly raised in prison, and is emotionaly distant but that is their issues . My daughter made plans for my birthday, now he has never done anything to me and is nice enough but he decided to choose this day to make a point with my daughter, and to make a long story short, ruined the day. It was painful for me because my birthday was one of the few days in my life no one had ruined...until now..Well they fought for a few days and i stayed out of it. I realize whether i like it or not her marriage comes first and she must forgive him to move and and i know i do to. But here is my deliema, Am I asking too much of my daughter to just let me come over when he isn't there. She wants me to "pretend" nothing ever happened, and i'm not young anymore, i don't "bounce" back so easily. I don't want a scene (she has never seen me angry, i raised her alone for this very kind of thing) I think avoiding him and not dis- respecting him in his home is all i am capable of. I have a few birthdays ahead of me and this will haunt me as it is. I know i will heal in time but i think i'm being reasonable..Serious thoughts please i'm hurting and angry beyond measure. What's done is done, acceptance is what i crave, but i really feel like hurting back right now,but won['t...thanx

Answer 1

Although I think family openness and honesty are crucial to healthy family relationships. In this case I think you should allow yourself to change your own perception of the situation.

It seems obvious that your daughter is going through some marital problems and you are right to MYOB when it comes to your daughter working them out.

But you need to realize that your daughter's martial problems trump your birthday. That is the changing your perception part.

I understand how this would be painful for you but your daughter has to live with her marriage and the state of it everyday of her life.

It sounds like what her husband did was emotionally abusive to her as well as painful to you.

She needs your support right now and not be put in a position to take responsibility for your happiness based on your past pain and your b-day being one of the only days you remember being filled with happiness.

I bet it was also a horrible experience for your daughter, the fact she wants to pretend it never happed is an indication that her emotional plate is full right now and she is having trouble dealing with it herself.

Don't take it personally.

Answer 2

detachment from the world is the Hindu way to avoid emotional setbacks , free your child from the emotional bond and thereby free yourself ,