How to politely tell friends my apartment isn't a drinking pit stop?

Question

I recently got an apartment right up the street from a bar that we all go too. Since then my friends are constantly calling me and asking if they can stop by before they go out (and drink all my beer / eat all my food) and if they can crash there after they drink too much.

I try to help out but I work friday nights and they are pressuring me to give them a key so they can crash there fridays and I don't know how to politely tell them I don't want them in my apartment when I'm not there. I trust them but I don't want them drunk bringing who knows who into my place.

As for when I go out with them, I've told them I occasionally don't mind if they crash here, but that it has to be planned ahead of time (since I'd like some alone time with my boyfriend!) but they will drink until they can't drive and then tell me -"well if I can't crash there I'll just drive home" and obviously I'm not going to let them do that.

I'm getting really put off, what is the best way to go about this?

Answer 1

Sometimes you can't be polite with your friends. You have to be very firm with them and tell them no.

Do not, under any circumstances give them a key.The only person who should have a key to your place is a parent (and only if you are on good terms with them!)

I think, in this case, it will have to be a cold turkey shut off for your friends. No more occasional crashes as this only keeps to door open. You also run the risk of your friends trying the old " ...but you let Brenda crash last Friday, why can't I crash this Friday" game on you.

If they fuss about this(and they will), let them know, in no uncertain terms, that they wrecked it for themselves. They've become too demanding, too disrespectful of you and have abused your good nature for the last time. Let them know that pressuring you to give them a key to your place was the last straw and beyond belief.

You work hard for your money and you work hard to keep up good relations with your landlord and neighbors, don't let your party happy friends ruin this aspect of your life for you.

I now tell my friends and aquaintances that (after a few too many abuses of my good nature) only close family members are allowed to stay in my apartment. Everyone else has to rent a hotel room if they want to visit me.

If you find it awkward when you go out with them, start to randomly leave early. Go home and don't answer the door if they buzz later on. Disconnect the buzzer or phone if you can. If you keep letting them in, they'll never stop asking to be let in. (sorta like a cat)

If they try to pull the "I'll drive home drunk" card, tell them they'd better save up their taxi money or pull out your cell phone and ask 411 for the police non-emergency number, you'd like to report a drunk driver (some else has already suggested this and it's brillant)

Also, stop providing beer and food for them. Only have tea and crackers in your house when they come over before you go out. Let the fridge go bare.

And remember, if they don't want to be your friends anymore because you won't give them what they want, then they weren't really friends in the first place, they were just using you.

One last thing, you don't actually owe them an explanation for your actions. How you chose to live in and allow in your own apartment is your business!!!

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

Answer 2

Real friends don't ask for your key! They don't ask to crash at your convenient location nor do they come to you drunk with an entourage. Just say " No, my place is off limits... you wankers, but since I love you, I'm having a party for you all next month!".

Answer 3

In my case you shouldn't have to ask them anything politely.  It seems that they are taking advantage of the whole situation.  You shouldn't have to give anyone a key to your apartment if you don't want to.  But you could tell them before they start drinking that if they don't have a safe ride to THEIR home not do drink because you would like to be with your boyfriend or alone.  I really don't like this at all because they're manipulating you and they're doing it probably because you're a nice person and at times it's hard for you to say no if this is the case now is the start.

Answer 4

Tell them you've been getting complaints from your neighbors about drunk people coming in and out and that you need it to stop for a while.  They wouldn't want to get you evicted, right?

Answer 5

There really is no polite way of telling them.  You have to be firm and tell them that your apartment is yours and not a place for them to get drunk and crash.  You may lose a few friends but then those friends are not worth having.  If they are truly your friends then they would respect your wishes and your property.  Or else do what one of my friends did...charge them ten dollars.  Yup, it sounds tacky but they will learn fast that your place is your place and not a free bed and breakfast place.

Answer 6

They sure aren't being very polite by using you -- tell them the truth.  You seem like a very sweet and accommodating person, just tell them the truth the best way you can.  Nobody likes to be used, even nice people.

Answer 7

I also agree with Kincaid1.  

P.S. Don't EVER give anyone a key. DO you have a peephole in your door?  Use it before you answer the door.  Or, don't answer the door if you don't want to.  It's your home.  They will get the message soon enough.  If they are really drunk when they leave the bar then it's up to the bartender or bouncer to take their keys from them so they can't drive home.  Plus, you can pin a note to the door when you don't want to be bothered.  Just put on it that you are sleeping or not at home but will be back in an hour, etc.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Stop being polite.

Just tell them.

Answer 9

In your case, you don't have to worry about being polite.  Just tell them like how it is.  If they didn't realize they were being rude and abusive of your friendship, then I'd say try for a little tact.  However, there's no way they don't realize that what they're doing amounts to using a friend for their own personal "gain."

You do have a third option when it comes to letting them sleep over or driving home.  You can call the police and report them before they get on the road.  They'll get a free ride...straight to jail.

Definitely do not give them a key to your place.  It's YOUR place, not their hangout spot. It doesn't matter if you trust them or not.  The point is, they have homes.  They need to use them.  I'd even stop them from occasionally crashing there until they get the point that your place isn't a free hotel for the drunk and disorderly.

Bottom line:  Tell it like it is.  Don't worry about being polite.  "Friends" who can't even be responsible enough to limit their drinking when they know they need to drive don't deserve any slack.  Neither do people who simply use others.

Answer 10

I agree with Kincaid.

Answer 11

Just tell them that you appriciate their friendship, but you like to have your own personal time.  Also tell them that you don't want to get in trouble with your landlord, so you can't have them stay here all the time and most especially give them a key.  If they say they'll drive home drunk, then that is their fault.  They are big boys and girls.  They can make their own decisions. Just learn to say "No."