How to put my foot down with my future in-laws?

Question

I have previously asked a similar question but now I am having new troubles. Back in janurary when we booked our wedding, we discussed with everyone about having no children at our wedding reception. At the time, everybody was fine with it and all was great. Now my future sister in-law has a problem all of a sudden because she really wants her 3 kids there. Mind you, she still hasn't even bothered to rsvp and she has said nothing to my face, only to other relatives. Then the relatives call me to gossip about it and its driving me nuts because I have already been through this with one sister in law. If we could have all 81 children there, we really would but at $42 per child, we can't afford it and our wedding venue is too small anyway. I am sick to death of getting upset over this. I have to see her and the kids on sunday so I need to know what to say without getting angry or sounding disrespectful. Please help me so that I don't lose it.

I don't want to come across as bridezilla but some people are so rude it makes me angry.

Answer 1

just remember it's YOUR day not any body else's  if they have such a problem pull them aside and just let them know who your feeling get everything out in the open with them - its not good for you to bottle thing up especially when it come to the dreaded in laws.

Answer 2

Maybe suggest a babysitter you know, or tell her your head count is already submitted to the reception site and you can't change it now.

Answer 3

It's your day and if people are making you miserable, they are clearly forgetting that. Tell her as nicely as you can that you just can't afford it and you're sorry. Maybe even offer to pay for her childcare for the night, if that's the issue (a lot cheaper than having all the kids come).

We had an inexpensive brunch the day after the wedding and had the people closest to us come to that. Maybe you could organize something like that for the day after and have people bring their kids.  Maybe that would help the sisters-in-law feel that the kids were involved in the celebration, especially if you told them that the reason you wanted to have it was that it was really important to you to have the kids be a part of it all? Just a thought.

Good luck, and try not to lose it, even though they are being incredibly rude and insensitive. Family relationships last a lot longer than weddings, and hurt feelings that come out of wedding planning can last for years...

Answer 4

If you are having ongoing issues with your in-laws then don't marry this guy.  Seriously, the problems will never go away and the next 50 years of your life will be miserable.  

If you still want to marry him then he should deal with his family.  If he won't take them on or stand up for the decisions you've made together then he's not the guy for you.

As far as not having the kids there you won't understand until someone close to you and your kids doesn't want your kids there.  Since you probably won't follow any of the advice I've given above I would just say to your future sister-in-law this weekend, "It's not just about your kids, but 78 others.  I would love to have them all there, what do you suggest?" Maybe she'll have some great ideas like having each family pay for daycare like at a wedding I went to.  The kids ordered pizza in a hotel suite and came out to dance.  It was great.

Answer 5

I really don't blame you for not wanting children at your wedding for $42 per child...and with 81 of them.  You guys all talked about it and were okay with it at the time, so she needs to get over it.  I understand she may want her children there, but it just seems like it's not the right place for a child.  It's your wedding, and as you said, it's a small place...you just can't go change your location just to suit her needs.  I'd have your husband have a talk with her about it, it's probably more his place to since it's his side of the family.  Explain to her your point of view if things get really heated but do it calmly.  Hopefully she'll come to her senses sooner or later.  Goodluck!  

P.S.  You are not sounding like a bridezilla at all.  

Answer 6

i would simply say no.  you have already told others that their children can not come, you have explained that it isn't personal, that finances are a constraint.  

now imagine if after telling sister in law #1 that she couldn't bring her kids you now tell sister in law #2 she can bring hers~the war would be huge!  

you've made your decision, stand by it, your man should be backing you up on this issue.  

when someone calls to gossip just tell them sweetly that you are busy with 'something' and will have to put off the chat to another time.  ask them if they had something specific they needed to ask you or discuss with you and when they say no say sorry, gotta go!  its hard i know but you have to be firm or they will walk all over you forever more!

good luck kiddo and happy wedding!

Answer 7

It is YOUR wedding, YOUR day.  Tell her that you heard she couldn't find a sitter and you are soooo sorry, you really would have loved for her to be there.  if you can have you fiancee behind you, that would help.  If you let them push you around now, they will do it forever.

Answer 8

I would just tell her that all this has been discussed and that when it was discussed it was decided that there would be no children. If she still wants to make a fuss tell her that if she insists on including her children that she will have to pay the $42 per child. I bet she will change her mind. Good luck!  

Answer 9

Tell her that you want the day to be enjoyable for all and if you make an exception for her children then it would be unfair to not allow the other kids to come and you want a child free wedding. It's not too much to ask for. In my opinion bringing a child to a wedding that's meant for adults is like bringing a baby into a movie theater, it's just rude, disrespectful of others, and inconsiderate. I am a strong believer in the fact that the wedding day is all about celebrating the couple and there for, practically everything should revolve around them. Have fun, don't worry about other's perspectives. Just be sure you don't hurt people's feelings, that's what separates the brides from the "bridezillas".  

Answer 10

What you do is pull her to the side and explain to her what you just told us!

If she so much want her kids their she pay the 42 dollars for each of her kids!

Tell her this is your wedding and you guys do not have the money for kids!

Answer 11

Yeah, I see what you mean, it really adds up fast. It would be hard to tell someone not to have their child/children present but they should respect your wishes, it's your day. Let her know straight out, if you say it's alright for her kids to go, then you'll have to invite every single child and you just can't put out that kind of money. Maybe that'll help. Good Luck.

Answer 12

You say she hasn't asked you - only to other relatives. You also say she WANTS them there not she has no alternative.

Then why say anything at all unless she brings it up?! I put up with this for years - its usually just everyone else gossiping and even the Chinese Whispers syndrome.

If she does bring it up don't offer for her to pay or even entertain the idea all you have to do is stick to your guns - perhaps mention how unfair it would be to all the others if she were somehow the only one with the ability to bring the kids. Also mention how bored they would be anyway.

Just say ......(fiancee) and I  have decided and are sticking to the decision. Any humpiness - get him to deal with it. if he wont then just ignore it all. If she states she cant find a sitter - apologise and say what a shame you will miss her there!

Its a cliché but true - its your special day - enjoy and let all else be water off a ducks back. You have plenty of years ahead to deal with them - don't let them spoil this one day!

Good Luck & best wishes

Answer 13

Since it is a future in-law let your fiance' handle it. He should be already. He can be kind, but firm.  

Answer 14

Your groom should tell his sister that it has been decided for a long time that this will be an adults-only wedding, so there's really no room for further discussion. Don't let it be you who is the bad guy here -- your groom should deal with his family on issues that are potentially troublesome.

I do have one idea that might soften things a little:You could have a kids-party a few weeks after (or whenever you're up to it) to give them a chance to feel involved but still be able to act like kids. You could do it in a backyard, at a park or a place like that and have some wedding themed games (throwing the bouquet, toasts with soda in fancy plastic cups, wedding dress-up for the little ones, cake, etc.) It could be really fun when you're relaxed that it won't affect your big day, give the kids a fun day and good memories, be a great photo op for those annoying inlaws, and create an alternative to having them at your wedding.

Good luck!