How to "get over" an emotional argument with someone ?

Question

First of all excuse my English because It is not my first language (I am a European student) .

Basically this is a question that has been going around my head for a while and now is the time to really ask it.

Basically I am wondering what the best way is to get over emotionally an argument with a lot of heated language.

Let me illustrate : There is this person at my university I am often in contact with that I really do not like. Basically I think he is very prejudiced and ignorant.(He comes from a lower class than me and such). He often makes comments about how Europeans are "biased" about things but then (he is Asian) often says what I believe are racist things such as "Europeans are arrogant" and "Chinese are humble and more intelligent than Whites". Comments that offend me alot. Basically what I would normally do is ignore this and not interact with the person. Unfortunately, I HAVE to be be in contact with him very much.

So we dont like each other but try to tolerate each other. But one day my "glass" went full and I exploded when he said another comment. I told him what I thought and left furious. Now after this argument I was very emotional and angry, and could not sleep that night and was talking to myself about how stupid this character was and such.

Basically I felt hurt and even as I type I am still angry and emotional.

So my question is : Exept time, what can I do to get these emotions out of my system quick ? I honestly tell myself that this is an insignificant guy and I KNOW he shouldnt influence my emotions but I cant help but be emotional about it.

So thats it, I hope you understand my question...Im sure a lot of you can relate to me cause those arguments happen everyday in our lives and are often devastating emotionally.

PEACE

Nick

Answer 1

Oh yeah.... I can COMPLETELY IDENTIFY WITH YOU!!

Sometimes I tend to fume for days over situations like these and I know it isn't healthy, but I also know that, if I said everything that was on my mind - things would get even more ugly, so I bottle it up.

Some ways that work for me...

1)  Write your thoughts/issues/arguments/etc.. down.  Don't type them into the computer - but write them on a piece of paper.  Scribble, draw, write and LET YOUR FEELINGS FLOW!  Sometimes after I do this I read it over a couple of times and then, if I feel less angry and a bit more in control - I'll tell myself that it's time to let it go and will actually burn the paper and as the smoke goes up into the air, I imagine the anger and feelings that  that person/ situation evoked disolving.  The feelings don't go away immediately - but the intensity of the feelings really will start to go away.

2)  Draw.  Even if you aren't "an artist", draw images that stem from your feelings and draw pictures of that person who's annoying you.  Get creative - make them ugly, make them pretty, make them bloody, whatever it takes to help you work out some of the intensity of the emotions you are feeling.  Now, at this point - I would suggest that you destroy the pictures because "in this day and age" drawings showing a bloody, dismembered and/or otherwise violent image may be taken the wrong way and you don't want any trouble with your school administrators or local law enforcement or Homeland Security.  

3)  Get some exercise - treadmill, or bike or stair stepper - something that makes you sweat like crazy and very short of breath - while you're gasping for air and your body is in overload - start thinking about the situation, what you would have done differently if you could, what you would say now, after the fact, etc...  I'm not sure why but when I do this, the chemicals in my brain really seem to help "purge out" the bad thoughts that haunt me and stop me from feeling happy/peaceful and prevent me from sleeping (only adding to the anxiety).

I'm going to mark this question as interesting because I want to hear what others do/have done to combat these problem.  I lose too much time to these feelings.

Lastly - "in real life", do your best to take the high road when you interact with this jerk... it may not feel good at the time, but more people will start to see the who he really is and they will respect you for not stooping to his level.

Good Luck!!

Answer 2

Maybe you need to take a look at yourself first.  Based on the fact that you said he was an "insignificant guy" and "He comes from a lower class than me and such", it tells me that maybe there is some "arrogance" there.  When I am mad about something, I have to look at what it is about myself that makes me so mad...usually it is because someone is hurting my pride or ego.  In which case, I probably have too much pride or a big ego.  Looking at what's wrong with me has helped me deal with others and made me a more peaceful, pleasant person.

Answer 3

First of all I think you should report this other student to the head of the university as a racist. It might be a good idea to get some witness statements from others who have heard his remarks as proof of his racism. Failing that report him anyway so that he knows his behaviour cannot go unchallenged.

Secondly you need to write down what it is that makes you so angry and then answer the thought with a reason why it should not make you angry. For example:

__________________________

Thought:

His comment about europeans is completely unreasonable and makes me feel very angry.

Answer.

I have no reason to be angry. His comments make no difference to  reality. Europeans are not as he describes, they are all different and so cannot be stereotyped in such a way. His comments are derived from his own ignorance and inability to listen to new and different opinions. I have no such ignorance and therefore his comments have no effect on my opinions of europeans. I have no reason to feel angry but I do have reason to feel sorry for him.

_________________

I believe this will work for you as it is a technique recomended for dealing with emotional problems and is used in behavioural cognative therapy.

It works very well for me.

Answer 4

Well, two things:

1) You have a good question, but be careful: comments like "He comes from a lower class than me and such" may make you sound just as bad as he is - you should not say someone is from a "lower class" if you don't believe there are classes, just regular people. So that comment may get you some harsh remarks.

2) You could either speak to your supervisor about your concern or you could deal with it by your own actions. What I would do is try to treat this person as much as I could as though they didn't exist. I know you have to work with him, but I would say something like: I don't agree with your broad stereotypes about people so we don't have much in common, so let's do what we're here to do and keep the chit-chat to a minimum or at least not talk about these topics. If he doesn't stop making these comments you can take it up again with your supervisor and say that although you asked this person to stop making racist and derogatory comments, he still does, and then he may be disciplined or removed from working with you.

People need to learn early in life that in order to get along with all kinds of people, they can't go around talking like that without consequences. But the consequences should not be the kind that get YOU in trouble... make sure you don't let it blow up again and then you look like the bad guy. Keep inegrity and try to be more mature about it than he is.

Good luck!