How to refer to women who placed their child for adoption?

Question

For those of you who've placed a child for adoption, how would you like for the adoptive parents to refer to you to the child if you could choose.(other then by your first name)

I've heard that some women don't like the term "birthmother", but some are fine with it. I've also hear "firstmom", or "tummy-mom".

Both of our children were adopted internationally, so we do not know their birthmom's first names. Our children also were cared for by a foster mom for 6 months who they referred to as "ooma" (mom in Korean), and I think it would be confusing to call them both by that name, this also makes "first mom" difficult, as there would be a "second mom" too.

Thanks in advance for your opinions.

Answer 1

This is such a great question!  As a new adoptive parent, I hadn't really thought about how we would refer to the birthmom with our child.

Personally, I don't think that what you call her is nearly as important as how you talk about her to your child.

Answer 2

Birthmom is offensive and I never use that word. How about mother? or other mommy and daddy? natural parents? first parents, because she DOES have 2 mommies and as confusing as that IS, that IS your childs reality.

good luck!

Answer 3

"Tummy mom" truly turns my tummy, it's that disrespectful.  Your child's mother is more than a vessel of delivery for you.  Your child will always carry 50% of his/her DNA from the natural mother.

Natural mother is nice.  First mom is good, too.  A foster care worker for 6 mos. is important now, will probably be forgotten eventually.

A natural mother is NEVER forgotten.

Thanks for caring enough to ask.

Answer 4

The first time that I heard the term "birth" mother I found it to be cold and clinical. I also felt that it sounded manipulative but I could not put that feeling into words. Recently, I read something that a first/natural mother (I do not know her preference) wrote about the label "birth" mother when discussing its coinage by the adoption industry -

"A 'birth' mother is someone who is NOT a mother past the act of giving birth, whose only tie or connection to his or her child is as being 'past history'. "

That is a lot more eloquent than my understanding of the term which was - "We used you to get a baby, so get lost and leave us alone. You are no longer anything to OUR child."

Tummy-mom is anatomically incorrect and too repulsive to even address.

First mom or natural mom would be my choice.

Answer 5

Since you dont really know the mother(s), what she'd like to be called isn't really a concern... I think birthmom should be fine.  If your children are old enough to have a say, I think  you can discuss it with them. Do they remember their birth mom? what would make them comfortable? and not confuse them?

if all else fails, maybe the korean word for aunt, or another term of endearment might work out for you.

Answer 6

If possible find out what "mother" is in their native language.  I had a friend post a list of mother in about 24 languages so that we had this.  A friend went and found that she liked "Anya" and she talked it over with the adoptive parents and they all agreed.  So instead of birthmom, or tummy mommy (which I don't like IMO) she is now known as Anya S.

Answer 7

I think “other mommy” is fine. I’m just trying to think of what it must be like for a young (5-10 year old?) adopted child interacting with his or her peers. Using the prefixes of birth- or bio- would seem to put your adopted child in the position of having to explain, and eventually they do need to be able to do that, this is their reality. But, I picture my own son at that age and hope that he did not have to defend these terms that I’m sure he would have had only a vague grasp of. “Other mommy” may be a somewhat more familiar term for your adopted son or daughter to deal with if only because there are many step-family situations in which kids may casually use “other mommy”. I don’t know, and it IS confusing, but we must always remember the children first, and try to let go of our own inner conflicts of peace.

For example, you wrote: “I think it would be confusing to call them both by that name, this also makes "first mom" difficult, as there would be a "second mom" too.”

And does that make you “third mom”? How comfortable are you with that? I would imagine that you might NOT feel comfortable with it, but is there really anything wrong with that? What an honor to raise a child, PERIOD! And of course you WILL be called Mom. I wouldn’t want my child growing up WITHOUT a Mom figure. Again, I think the worst part about it is the confusion of a young child explaining their reality to peers. I think that the terminology is SO much about the comfort level of the adopting parents. If you have a level of comfort in raising someone else’s child AND you can tell that child that he/she has 2 – 3? mommies, there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t know how a foster mother would feel about being called “foster mother”, all I know is that if you use terms to demean one another it will be reflected in the way the child/adult adoptee feels about him/herself because they ARE a part of each of these families. It’s not about you or me. You cannot make the “other” disappear.

Personally, I do not like the term birthmother – it is an INDUSTRY standard that many who adopt are all too willing to fall in line with, simply because they are NOT thinking. Tummy-mommy is just stupid. Thank god my 23 year old son calls me Mom and not tummy-mommy. Geez – lets get a grip. Unfortunately, as long as the concept of adoption prevails OVER the concept of people sponsoring families at 25 or 30K a crack, we have to deal with THIS human reality: people want to raise other peoples babies and the adoptors have to come to terms with this idea. They are NOT the first mothers or the natural mothers, but hopefully, for our kids, they are Moms, just good Moms. Mom’s who will help our babies, our children, our adult sons and daughters embrace 2 families – maybe 3 or more.



Yes, this response is long, but there are no short cuts in adoption. As long as mothers and babies are separated, there will need to be long and thoughtful conversations. So thankyou for asking a thoughtful question. I hope that you keep the conversation(s) of adoption open with your son or daughter throughout their lifetime.

Mother of loss

Answer 8

i have heard biomom, or biological mother. as the adoptive mother is usually just mom x

Answer 9

That is tough, three moms each.  But there you are, three moms.  I agree, their foster moms may not be remembered long or a huge part of their lives, while their first/natural mom will always be a part of them, physically, emotionally and mentally (genetics etc.).   I understand how it might feel awkward, as an adoptive mother to see "second" or "un"natural as unappealing and maybe unnecessary counterparts to first and natural.  Other mother is nice and vague for talking with their peers who may also have more than one mom.  When you're talking in your family, can you just say Mom or Ooma?  It will change as they mature.  Just think they may someday meet their "other" mother.  What will they and she want them to call her then?  She is their mother. You show honor and respect for them when you show honor and respect for their mothers.

Answer 10

I like Tummy mommy myself...but discuss it with her if you feel comfortable, otherwise, you will have to make the best choice for yourself and adopted child...

Answer 11

I find that calling a " Birth mom" (the mother who gave birth to the child you have adopted and are now raising as your own ) the "Natural" mom not insulting but miss leading and not communicating truth. If Birth mom or Biological mom is the " Natural" one then what am I ? The " Un natural one? " My children call their : Birth mommiess" just that " Susie the mommie that gave birth to me.." I find that as my children get older and more mature in their understanding they choose for themselves what they think they should call that person and it is the responsibility of the "Parent" the one who adopted the child to run it through their filters and say if it is acceptable or not. Do what is best for your child and family..that's what you promised when you adopted them remember? Good Luck

Answer 12

Just birthmother is fine.  I disagree with the term 'first' mother, as we did not in any way parent the child, and we were actually simply the vessel by which they entered the world!



Remember that you are now your children's parents, and are far more important than the birth parents ever will be.  I am a birth mother and I can say this!

I would say the term birth mom is just fine, or what ever you and your children are comfortable with.

Good luck and God bless your family.

Answer 13

It really depends, any route you take your likely to offend someone, so you just have to go with what’s comfortable for you and your children.

If you don’t even know your kids birthmother, I don’t see anything wrong with the word birthmother at all. Say your child was adopted a little later in life and actual spent time with their birthmother, I could see using First Mommy or first mother.

Answer 14

I don't see any reason not to call the "birthmom" Mom Sue or Mother Sue...

I have 2 Mom's...  My "birthmom" "stepmom" I call them each Mom in their presence and if I need to say anymore in the company of someone else for them to understand than I say Mom so and so...  I refuse to call my "stepmom" step because that would mean that I am not close to her and I wouldn't call my "birthmom" that because it would be disrespectful...

I have never seen it as any different than having Grandma Sue and Grandma Kay...  I may be closer to Grandma Sue but only I know that...  

I realize that you don't know the children's birthmom's names but I don't see any reason in referring to them as "ooma"...  Do you plan to keep in constant contact with the foster mom?  Most children don't remember much about a foster parent after a few months...  I am not suggesting that you make your children forget them however they may do that on their own if you will not be keeping in constant contact...  Do you know what "foster" is in Korean?  Could you call them "foster ooma"?

Good Luck and do what works for your family but remember to always show respect when you speak of the birthparents.