How to remain respectful and decent when I finally meet this home wrecker? ?

Question

A bit long, but I REALLY need some advice.

My father recently ended his 9 year relationship with his fiance. When he called to tell me this he said that it was mutual~ They just had two different lives, they had grown apart etc.

Over 9 years they built quite a little life together. They owned there own home, a boat, 2 vehicles etc.. My dad's a successful business owner and she's in the political world. My dad has dated many women since divorcing my mother 15 years ago. And this one: lets call her "Mary" seemed to be the permanent one.. 9 years Thats quite a while and they appeared happy. Infact the happiest I've ever seen my father.

Mary is close with my young children oldest is 10 youngest is 4 and me and my husband as well.. She became a part of our family- a permanent member. Now, being that I'm an adult I know my dad's life is his own and whatever he chooses to do in it is really not any of my business- Normally I am fine with that fact.

HOWEVER. It has come to my attention that my dad has someone 'new' in his life. She's already met my grandmother (his mother) thats a sign of a level of seriousness in my family. My grandmother is the one who told me--He's yet to break the news to me and this is why--

1. This "woman" is 61, my father is 47

2. Its only been a few weeks since the split of "Mary" and Him. Which turns out WAS NOT mutual. He began "working late", hating the things they normally enjoyed together, strange behaviour --all the classic signs of interference.

3. The new woman/ soon to be senior citizen has been a customer of my father for years.

4. My father has completely ostersized and alienated "Mary" out of the family- claiming she's "crazy" and bitter.

I know my father..well. He is no stranger to seeking "greener pastures"

I'm a woman, and I believe what "mary' was suspicious of was in fact happening. After all.. my father seems to have moved on rather quickly..too quickly if you ask me.

Its def raised some eyebrows in our family. So I guess I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this? I feel like there is no way I can possibly EVER respect or even like/tolerate this homewrecker. What else can I say when i meet her for the first time besides "Oh great dad how nice, you're dating a pile of wasted human flesh with no respect for others 'nor herself. How classy!" She is more than likely using him, and I believe he deserves WAY better than some piece of wrinkly home wrecking trash. I also don't want my children around this woman- they will be confused they are attached to and love "mary" so much. They don't know about the break up yet.

HELP!

Answer 1

if you and your father have a good relationship he will understand that you love him and its not your business what he does with HIS life but that he has to respect your wishes has to not bringing this woman around your children and if she is a home wrecker like you say what goes around comes around i truly believe that just don't push your father away shes not worth it and don't give he the satisfaction kill her with kindness like you said your an adult now take the high road  

Answer 2

It's not just this older womens fault it is your dads too. And you should tell your dad you don't want to meet her and tell him your feelings about this.

Answer 3

I think that you're totally right in wanting to keep "Mary" in your own life, as well as your childrens. This is a person who has been a part of all your lives for over 9 years and who your kids probably identify with as a grandma figure.

On the one hand, your anger and frustration with your dad is justified. You feel he's upsetting the lives of all involved by exiling "Mary" and becoming involved with this other woman. However, it's important to keep in mind that your dad obviously wasn't happy with Mary or this situation wouldn't have occurred. It's hard not to judge and in your place, I'm sure I would feel the same.

Your dad has a right to his happiness, but at the same time, YOU have the right to continue to maintain a relationship with Mary. I would sit down with dad and try to be very non-confrontational about it. I'd explain that while I support his right to find his happiness, both I and my kids have a strong relationship with Mary and want her to continue to be a part of our lives. I'd make sure he understands how important stability is for kids and that they have grown up with Mary and have a wonderful relationship with her. Just suddenly removing Mary from their lives would be unfair to them, to her and to you. Explain that while his own relationship with her may have hit the skids for whatever reason, he must try to see that just all of a sudden making Mary disappear from all of your lives isn't something you're willing to do.

As for the homewrecker.........I agree with the earlier post that this woman probably smells money and that's what she's after. I suspect that she isn't going to be a long termer UNLESS your dad is the kind of man who will throw money at her. If he is, she isn't going to go away easily. I do feel you have every right to limit your kids exposure to her. I would explain that to dad, too. Get him to see that he brought Mary in and the entire family established a relationship with her, not just him. You all grew to love her and made her part of your family. Now he's decided to move on and this new woman appears and as a mom, you feel you have to protect your kids because you are concerned about stability in their lives. You don't just change grandmas like you change your underwear. Tell him you and the kids would be crushed if he wasn't present at family gatherings, but that you also want Mary present because she is the person your family has this relationship with. You feel it would be unfiar to everyone if he brought this new woman and you must respectfully ask him not to at this time. Then wait and see........maybe she'll leave on her own, maybe dad will realize what he's losing and try to work things out with Mary.

Answer 4

Mind your own business.

Its your fathers life and he can do what he wants.

Nobody put a gun to his head and forced him to end the relationship with "mary"

It was his choice.

Answer 5

this is your dad's life not yours, you do not have to socialize with the home wrecker, concentrate on your husband and kids

Answer 6

Inform your dad that you are keeping a close relationship with 9yr financee, and that she is invited to all of your holiday events

and then there might be a time in which you have to chose him or her..

be prepared for it, and the right thing for you.

rember cane and able

and isiah and isaac

blood is not thicker then water

Answer 7

Your dad made a decision for his life that HE feels will make him happy.  If he wasnt happy w/ "Mary" did you want him to just live his whole life feeling obligated to stay unhappy?  There might have been a reason that Mary and your dad hadn't married after 9 years... right?  Usually people marry each other by then...

I know this change to the family is hard on you, and I know you feel protective of your children.  This is understandable.  Like the others said, I would just tell your dad you are not ready to meet the new woman (and please stop insulting her because of her age), and that you are concerned about your kids adjusting to these changes.

Liking Mary and staying friends w/ her should be ok, right?  You say she's helped you tremendously over the years, so of course she is a friend to you.  

But also try to have some love for your dad at this time, as I'm sure this breakup hasn't been all fun for him, and he probably is guilty about hurting Mary.  Again, I'm sure there was more to your dad's decision to leave Mary than you know... and your dad's happiness is just as important as anyone else's.

You obviously bonded w/ Mary and I'm sure your dad realizes you are not going to be very supportive of this change.  Just try to see both sides to the story.

Answer 8

Sorry to hear about all this, I know its hard but there really is nothing that you can do about it.  Does your fathers new girlfriend know about the now ex?  Maybe your dad told her lies about how they broke up, it may not even be her fault.  

Answer 9

Your putting all the blame on this woman, and it's your father you should be upset with, if anyone.  If she's your fathers' customer, then I'm sure she hs $$$$$$$$   or she wouldn't be a customer.  

Mary can continue being a part of your lives, if she chooses to be, in which I am sure she will.

As for this other lady, your hating her so much right now and your placing blame where it doesn't belong.  YOUR father stepped outside his own marriage.  He's the  one who did his actions to hurt Mary.  He's the pathetic, wrinkly pig!

NOT all 61 yr' olds are that wrinkly yet.  

I feel sorry for your children, who have to have such a spitful person raise them and JUDGE older people cause of their age  and point fingers at others, when actually, it's their own family doing wrong.

Answer 10

I think that you be the bigger person in the picture. I'm sure mary is using your dad and if he doesn't realize it soon and he god forbids marries her then he will find out how dumb he was for losing the second best women in his life, your mother be the first. It seems that your dad doesn't have any sense when it comes to women when he crashes and burns enough times he might grow up. Good Luck at being the bigger person because he and prolly she wont.  

Answer 11

I would remain friends with Mary for sure.

As far as the new woman who really cares? He is making his choice, he is old enough to know better and if he gets used than it is his own fault honestly. If he choses some old lady and he is happy than so be it.  I would be nice to her because, give her a chance you don't really know her yet. You are guessing on the affair part and you really do not know the intimate side of what was going on with him and Mary. You saw the outside part of it.

Answer 12

Keep Mary in your family life and make it clear that Mary is your priority.  Also have an open mind that your dad needs companionship and you can be cordial without rudeness because your children will see you and Mary as an example of true class. I too am a 2nd wife and I had a tough time at first with his daughters because I am much younger.  His ex was remarried when we met anyway.  I am 44 and he is 62.  People teased him about finding a gold digger and after 8 years of marriage i have plenty of my own money.  His ex wife has since been apologetic toward me and his daughters have warmed up to me.   you have a right to be loyal to Mary and be nice to that other woman because as the old saying goes "Keep your enemy close"   At her age it is rare for men to want a woman of that age.