How to respond to this rude, rude question

Question

well, i'm a very caucasian woman and my daughter's father was half japanese, half korean, so my daughter really looks asian. since her dad is not in the picture, whenever i take her out somewhere people often assume she's adopted. while most of these questions are rude even if a child is adopted, i find them particularly rude seeing as my little girl isn't. here is a convo that happened today

random woman: what a cute little girl! where did you get her?

me: my uterus

random woman: but she looks nothing like you! are you sure you didn't adopt her

me: positive

random woman: well i'm thinking about adopting, do you know a good agency

me: no

random woman: well, she's mighty cute. very asian. have a nice day

and another convo that happened a few days ago

happy couple comes over, woman says: did you adopt her from china?

me: um... no.

woman: korea? japan? she's sooo cute!

man: we want to adopt a kid from china!

me: she's actually my biological daughter

woman: but she looks nothing like you!

man: oh! her daddys chinese

woman: chinese babies are so precious!

me: okay. have a nice day.

i want to give people a direct response but i dont really know how to go about doing it. im worried that my daughter might eventually think there is somethign wrong with her. she has already begun to ask questions baout why she looks different from me and my family. i tell her it's because her daddy looked different, but that it doesn't matter whats on the outside its the inside that counts. and my friend from korea shows her lots of pictures of korea and has even taught her some korean phrases. we cook korean and japanese food a lot. i don't hide her background.

so my question is: how do i respond to this rude question effectively and not stooping to anyone's level?

Answer 1

I would just say to ignore them.  It isn't ANY of their business.  

Answer 2

that is weird but there are people out there like that if i were you i would laugh and walk away and would give any more than that ! or i would say even if she was adopted it is none of your business!

Answer 3

My neighbors encounter the same thing from time to time.  The mother is of Asian descent, and the father is Caucasian, so when he is out with their two children without his wife, people automatically assume that the children were adopted.  And they have had more than one occasion where someone has approached the mother and told her how "refreshing" it was to see Asian children with an Asian mother!

People don't necessarily mean to be rude or offensive, but some people just have no sense of decorum and social graces.  I think simply saying "They are my biological children.  My husband is Asian" should nip it in the bud, and you don't have to stoop to their level of rudeness.

Answer 4

You need to be direct and express the fact that not only is is insulting to you and your child, but its very racist.

Answer 5

OMG I can't even believe people would actually say things like that... ugh some people have no class.. I would simply say- "she is my daughter, she gets her looks from her daddy" and if they continue to question you, I would seriously just walk away!

Answer 6

just ignore people and they willl stop because they would'nt know what its like to be asked that all the time!

Answer 7

You can just say; she does look more like her father, but her smile (or personality whatever) is a lot like mine, and walk away. Ugh. How frustrating.  

Answer 8

Cut them off at the pass...

Them: "what a cute little girl! where did you get her"?

You: "I know she is much cuter than I am, you don't have to rub it in. But, believe it or not, she really is my child."

Answer 9

ow your much nicer than me lol cuz i would be using some not so nice launguage lol my family is tri racial so i dont like disrespectful ignorant peep but they are out there!  

Answer 10

Where did you get her?  My uterus....LOL I love it!

Honestly...there's just no avoiding stupid people.  Your current responses are about all you can say (and I think they're pretty direct and understandable)...without sounding rude.

Just hold your head high, and know you have a beautiful daughter.

Answer 11

You just have to keep responding the way you do.  By telling them she's your biological daughter.  Whenever your daughter asks, just reassure her that shes beautiful and her father is asian.  I bet your daughter is beautiful.  Who cares where people think she's from.  You know where she's from.

Answer 12

I would ignore them and walk away. Seems rude, I know, but you can't knock common sense into some people.....

Answer 13

I would respond how you are but add, "she's my biological daughter and her father is asian."  Period.  

I agree that you need to make sure your daughter feels proud of who she is, NOT ashamed.  Don't take offense from these people, take it with a grain of salt.  Just remain cheerful and calm.  Your daughter picks up on how you are feeling.  If you feel they are being racist, she may grow up to feel she is discriminated against even if she isn't.

Some people just don't know they are being inappropriate.  But try not to take it personally.

Answer 14

Again I don't think people intend to be rude they just don't phrase things well. Try this well she looks like her dad's side of the family

rather than mine. We're Irish (or whatever you are)and her Dad is

from China (don't get into half and half) That says a/ she is your

biological daughter and b/ you are married to her father who is

is Asian and that is all there is to it. They  will not ask if you adopted

her because you have already indicated that she is yours as well

as his.

Answer 15

i think you are actually doing everything correctly. these people are extremely rude. i can not believe people are approaching you with these questions as if your child is not in their presence.

but if you want to cut down the amount of questions coming your way. just say mind your business.

Answer 16

It's horrible that people ask those kind of questions.  My son is half black, and people automatically assume that his dad and I are not together and that is definitely not the case.  But, the fact that they ask you where you got her from is just rude in the fact that they even asked you that.  That's horrible.  Just like the kids on Jon and Kate plus 8, they're only 1/4 korean and they could very well pass as full korean.

Answer 17

Your answer to the first woman was right on.....

"she came from my uterus, after _____ hours of excruciating labor.  She got her good looks from both her Dad and me, she is cute isn't she?"

Then walk away and let them feel like the foolish busy bodies they are.  

Answer 18

I really like the my uterus comment. I think that is sufficient. Just say my uterus and roll your eyes where they see you and walk off. Your just going to have to be slightly rude back you are right if people keep doing that later on it might make your daughter uncomfortable.She might start to wonder secretly if she is adopted. Do you have pictures of her father? If people give you any c**p then say to them she is not adopted and I have had it with you strangers coming up to me with your dumb questions can't you respect our privacy. Don't you know it is known of your business! What do you think my child is going to think of all this when she is not adopted!

Answer 19

I don't think that the people are trying to be rude.  I could see how it could get annoying after a while, but it is an honest mistake.  If I saw a parent with a child of a different race, I would also assume that the child is adopted.  I am not being rude, and I'm not being racist.

I suggest that you straight out tell people your child is not adopted.

Answer 20

lol im sorry but I would have laughed in their faces and walked away.

or when they ask if she's adopted tell them that is a rather personal question.

i would probably tell them to bite me....

Answer 21

I have two little cousins who are half Asian half Italian...  It's very similar, people would see us together when we were small and ask my uncle *her father who is the Italian one* about them being adopted, and he'd say no, their mom is Asian...  And they'd all say Oh, well they are so beautiful.  I looked more like his kid since I'm Italian.  They are grown up now, and in college, very intelligent, they grew up learning all about their Asian heritage, they went to Chinese classes on the weekends, and made a few trips to Asia.  They know where they came from and are very proud, and they are amazing girls.  I'm sure your daughter will be fine, and realize, she's a lot smarter then these people who ask rude questions.

Answer 22

My husband is Caucasian and I am Asian.  I have 2 kids.  Although, my kids do look mixed, my daughter looks more Asian, with dark hair and dark eyes and my son looks more Caucasian, with light hair and lighter eyes.  My husband and I joke that when I am walking around with my son, people must think I am the babysitter and vice versa.

People have made comments to my husband like "Doesn't it bother you that your daughter looks nothing like you?"  To which, he responds "No" and leaves it at that.  When I was pregnant, I got  questions like: "Do you think one will look as Asian as your daughter or do you think he will look more

white?"  To which, I responded "I don't care."

I think people feel that they can say whatever they want, whether it is rude or not.  I think it's just ignorance.  I don't let people's comments bother me.  I don't say anything as long as they address me and not my kids.  

My advice: Let it go.  You can't control other people and you should not let them upset you.  If she sees that comments like that upset you, she will start to think she's different, which she is not.

Good Luck.

Answer 23

She has her dad's coloring, but my sweet nature (brains, mannerisms, or whatever that they can't SEE).

for the rude people who ask if you are SURE you didn't adopt her..."yep, wanna see my c-section scar?"

for the rude people who insist that she looks nothing like you ..."yep. spitting image of her daddy. I'm so glad"

Answer 24

I would respond like you have already been responding, by saying she is your biological daughter.  Then if they press by saying something like "but she looks nothing like you", I would look them in the eye, smile kindly and ask, "do you think I'm lying?"

It is honest, straight forward, and will likely make them just uncomfortable enough to do the trick.  

Answer 25

People can be rude and they're always going to talk. Unfortunately you can’t not help what comes out of someone else’s mouth.  I would just ignore what they say – sure it’s annoying and maybe a little hurtful, but you know the truth and that’s all that matters.

If you find it too hard to ignore the rude comments that people have the audacity to ask, just have fun with it. Chances are, you’ll never see these people again! And you may just get a kick out of their reactions!

Answer 26

tell the people that her dad is asian.  and do you watch jon and kate plus 8? jon is asian and kate isn't and their kids look asian. (its on tlc)