How to say "I don't like you".... but nicely?

Question

My family recently moved into a new town. An 11 year old boy a few houses away frequently comes to ask if he can play with either my 8 year old boy or my 11 year old boy. The 8 year old likes to play with him and I sometimes let them "hang out" in the backyard for the afternoon.

If the 8 year old is not home the neighbor boy askes to play with my 11 year old. My older son just plain does not like this other boy. They are very different in temperament, sense of humour, intellect and interests.

I would never force my son to play with anyone he did not want to play with "just to be nice".

I don't really like this neighbor boy myself. He is often rude and disrespectful of my "house rules", however I have not told my boys that they cannot play with him.

My Question- What can we ( either my son or myself) tell this young fellow to get him to stop coming around WITHOUT hurting his feelings.

Answer 1

Oh no. He's got to go. Forget being nice. Just be direct and say that until he wishes to follow the rules of your house he is simply NOT WELCOMED. This won't be hard to enforce as your child doesn't like him either.

Being nice is for suckers, when it comes to your children. Seriously. Think about it. They aren't being nice to you sending that brat to your home.

Answer 2

You need to set the ground rules for the child and stick with them.  If he wants to come play at your house he needs to observe your rules and respect you.  

He is either going to listen or no come over any more.

Answer 3

Did you say this child is just inviting himself over to your house?  If that’s the case, the conversation that needs to happen is not between you and the child but between you and the child’s parents.

You should let them know that your son enjoys playing with the boy, but you would appreciate it if the child would wait for an invitation before coming over.  THEY need to take care of this, not you.

Edit: There’s a bigger problem at hand here. I’m inclined to think this boy is trying to escape a bad home situation. Has calling CPS occurred to you? Sounds like someone is more interested in getting hammered than caring for their child.

Answer 4

Hello,,I suppose if you liked the kid you'd "force" your children to play with him!!?? Maybe if you give the kid a chance to learn some values that obviously YOUR children have, he will be something of good character,,otherwise perhaps he'll just beat your kids and create non-provable property damage to you.

Answer 5

Let your older son tell the boy that he is busy.  A few brush-offs will be better than, "I don't like you."

If your younger son wants to play, then you will need to explain your house rules and enforce them.  Let him know that if he cannot do what you ask, he will be asked to leave immediately.  If he does as he is asked, he can come over whenever he wants.  Just be firm about what you expect.

Maybe the poor kid doesn't get anything from his parents.  Your home may be a good place for him to be.  Give the kid a chance---you be the adult and point out the rules and apply consequences when he doesn't behave.  Your boys probably behave because you expect them to---the neighbor boy can benefit from the same guidance.  It takes a community to raise a child.

Answer 6

If the boy is as rude and disrespectful as you say, how can you be sure that simply saying, "I'm sorry, but you aren't following my house rules; you can't come over and play until you can.  That's my final word." will actually hurt his feelings?

Also:  I concur with the responder who says that there may be something more sinister at work here than a younger age and not quite developed comprehension rate.  Call CPS.

Answer 7

You are obviously a very nice and sympathetic person for not wanting to hurt this child's feelings. Unfortunately, you are just going to have to decline for your son or have him decline until the boy just gives up and perhaps finds new friends. I had a similar situation with my daughter at that age. We would just make excuses to the neighbor girl until she stopped coming around. Eventually they moved, but you could be stuck with your neighbor boy for many years.

Answer 8

Tell the kid "If you are going to (act like this) you are not welcome in this house."

Answer 9

When I was small my mom always told me to ask the parent at a new friend's house what the rules were straight-away.  And I was expected to follow them.  As a kid it didn't matter to me a l**k and the parents always seemed somewhat impressed that I'd asked.  But it was never weird for me to ask that question.  Bottom line: kids need to know what is appropriate and what the rules are.  Tell this kid that he has to call ahead and ask if your kids are available BEFORE coming over -- that's the rule.  If he doesn't, send him home at the door. Then you control the access to your kids.