How to support troubled partner?

Question

Hey, everyone.

How would you support a partner - not married yet - who has zero self-esteem and is beset by random anxiety/panic-attacks? She's very shy,

hesitant and somewhat mistrusting - apart from me, and perhaps a couple of other people. As is often the case, she's beautiful, has a heart of gold and I think the world of her, but I can tell she doesn't fully take it in.

I understand that the ultimate solution to the issue will be between her and God, but, as ther other half of the relationship, I'd like to think that I can at least help in the situation. Be a rock to her, that sort of thing.

Anyone got any ideas about how I can help her? Apologies for the sketchy detail, but I think it would be wrong to divulge the backstory, considering that it is not my own.

Thanks for your time

Answer 1

See if you can get her on some medicine for her attacks and just be as supportive as you can be. You sometimes have to prove yourself over and over again for the people you love. But it shouldn't be something you find yourself doing all the time .  

Answer 2

I like your style. Thank you for not divulging the back-story. You have given enough details and that's fine.

As has been suggested your partner definitely should see a therapist. Anxiety and panic attacks have a root cause and it takes a professional with time and patience to get to the bottom of it. She needs to see a psychiatrist because he/she can prescribe medication to ward off the attack. And, you're right, it is random, so to speak. Having a panic attack is to suddenly feel as if you are going to die immediately and you can do nothing to stop this panic. And you have no idea why it is happening. This feeling comes on abruptly, bam, it's there. You can't breathe or you are hyperventilating, shaking, frighten to death. One minute you feel fine and the next minute terror has taken over. This feeling can happen anywhere, on the bus, at the movies, driviing on the highway or at home watching television. Panic attacks and anxiety are not the same thing and each person may have different symptoms. The doctor can explain in detail one from the other. I have had both.

Kindly tell your partner that she will not die from it. I've had them for  years. Sometimes nothing for a long time and then, here we go again, pow. She will not die although she may feel like she is. A panic attack is not affecting the heart but because it causes the heart to beat rapidly, like you have been running, many people think it is. It is not.

The reason one has a panic attack is because they are frighten of something or something bad happened and for self-preservation the mine has blocked it out. Then something happens that brings that fear to the surface. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. I can write about it and hopefully help others. Yes, it is overwhelming this fear you feel but you can be helped and get better. I have finally reached the stage where, if I have a panic attack, I can stop it by slowing down my breathing and telling myself I am not going to die. But that took a long time. You see when it comes on you panic then feeling that you're going to die makes you panic even more. It's a vicious cycle because your body is out of control.

You, my friend, ARE her rock. She is so lucky to have you. Don't let her go. I wish you both good health and lots of love.

Answer 3

I suppose you hear of people who are emotionally abused saying that when they're told something enough they eventually start to believe it themselves, and so it must work the other way ie. if you keep telling her all the good things you can see in her she'll eventually believe it herself.  Hope it works out for you, you sound like a really good person.

Answer 4

Be slow to answer. Be slow to advise, even when she asks you for advice. I am going to tell you something you already know so as to emphasise it: People do not always want advice. They want someone to talk to who will listen actively and attentively and not judge them. You would be amazed how many people have told me they like me because I am a good listener. I am 65. I have tried giving advice. No go. They politely listen, but they shut off at the same moment on some deeper level. You already know that she is not listening to your words. She is looking at your eyes and feeling (empathically) what is coming from your heart. You can generate love for her and an environment of safety which will help to calm her down and enable her to begin to believe in herself and trust you. Trust is job one. The anxiety thing she experiences is the feeling she is not quite in control. You can support her in a way that she will begin to realise she does not have to be in control all the time. Sometimes, she can just relax with you and be herself. I hesitated to write anything to you because you are clearly (my ESP kicking in) totally tuned into her needs already. You will just have to remember to exercise some self-restraint and offer your company, your presence and your good loving energies to her instead of a bunch of theories, suggestions and policy statements. She will want formula answers sometimes and that is when you must wax philosophical (and you know how to do this really well already) and just let her calm down and find her own centre again. She wants your presence while she reorders her psyche into something mellow again that she can live with.

Answer 5

I think the fact she's got you as a partner will help her open up, you sound lovely and just the sort of person she needs to have around her.

Answer 6

have her go to a therapist.

Answer 7

maybe do some meditation techniques that relax and make people reflect on their inner beauty, if you tap into it it will come to the surface. Tell her every chance you get she is beautiful and when she asks why you keep saying that just say its true darling no other reason. You should act confident so your vibes can transmit to her. I am into inner reflection. She needs people to tell her and help her see she is beautiful. Sometimes unorthodox methods work. It is okay to forgive and heal and allow oneself to live life. It can be done.