How to tactfully ask my birthmother to stop intruding on my life?

Question

I'm an adult adoptee (34 yrs old), and I have been in contact with my birthmother since I was 22. I've known all my life about the details of my adoption, and of my birthparents, and regular contact/info swapping was facillitated by my parents.

Recently however, my birthmother has started to intrude big time on my life, she is beginning to insist on me calling her "Mom", which I've never really wanted to do, but also insisting that I stop calling my parents Mom and Dad.

We have six children altogether (1 adopted, 2 fostered), and she is only willing to spend time with our 3 bio kids.

There are other issues also, but you get the picture. I'm happy for her to be in my life, always have been, so please no answers about unresolved adoptee issues!

What can I do/say to her?

Answer 1

You sound pretty desperate so maybe you have tried all of these but I will toss them out there anyway.

You might tactfully remind her that those folks she regards as interlopers actually raised you and she needs to be respectful of them.  You can give her the choice of being called by her first name or as "Child Abandon-er."  By the way, your parents sound VERY cool.  Hat's off to them, Holmes.

Every 15-30 seconds you might ask her why she abandoned you...after a while she might get a better picture of her role in your life now.

If those suggestions don't work, ask her to let you  borrower $20,000 or $30,000...that did the trick with my REAL parents!

Regarding the kids, tell her NONE of them are actually yours.  Tell her you don't know whose they are but they aren't yours because you are actually a hermaphrodite unable to reproduce...."But of course you know that already, Mom!"

You could also show up with a"full" adult diaper on and let her know you two really have a lot of catching up to do.

Seriously, let it rip.  You should be in control.  I read about bio-moms getting so involved with their formerly estranged kids hat hey get controlling to the point of being sexually attracted to their kids.  Nip that in the bud or you will end up having to pop a cap in her skull-cap while she is peeking in your windows at night.  Hope his helps, dude.

Answer 2

say i need some time to myself and my family and my children, so if you don't mind... and please, im not going to call you mom because you didn't raise me. sorry

Answer 3

Tell her exactly how her behavior has made you feel.  If you don't tell her the truth, then be ready to make circles for the rest of your life.

Answer 4

Simply tell her that (give examples) make you uncomfortable. Focus on I statements, not You statements to get your point across and avoid making her defensive.

Answer 5

At 34 years of age you should be able to put your foot down.

She is not your MOTHER as you have said, so tell her that.

Blood does not a mother make.  Loving, caring, worrying, working, through sickness and health, driving, taking (to sports etc.) etc. etc.  That is a mother and father.  Although I am a grandmother I have always, thought that the meaning of the word MOTHER should be changed.  Getting pregnant and having a baby, does not a mother make. I realize the different circumstances that apply here to such a girl, but the person who looks after the child for the rest of their lives, is who the REAL mother is.   I am the mother of five adopted from birth and one pregnancy.  I have six adult children and 12 grandchildren ..It puzzles me that after all these years she feels she can walk in and by your mother?  What about the mother that looked after you all those years and is still worrying about you and thinking about you now and always.

Answer 6

You need to be open and honest with her. Let her know that you have been calling your adopters Mom and Dad all of your life and that it isn't going to stop because she wants it to. As far as her only spending time with your bio kids...I think that has something to do with her issues. Maybe she still feels like she abandoned you and when she is around your other 3 kids those feelings of inadequacy come flowing back?! It's hard to pinpoint exactly what she feels and she can't read your mind...so you should definitely have a sit down with her! I wish you all of the luck in the world!

Answer 7

your birth mother is feeling insecure and guilty about giving you up. if you initiated the contact with her, she must assume you prefer her to your adoptive parents. pls have talk with her, explain that you have been given so much love by all your parents and it has inspired you to share the same love with other children who are not biologically yours. as such she is fortunate enough to be a grand-mom not just to 3 but many more. you have succeeded in achieving a wonderful balance between her and your other parents and that is enriching your children's life too. you can only accept her if she treats all your children the same, because what she gave up, other parents have put together and you won't be a good person if you undermined their love and devotion by rejecting them after all this time. she may be trying to redeem herself in her grand-children's eyes by showing preference, but tell her that it is creating confusion in their minds about relationships, so will she please not do it anymore. don't let her give your 3 special gifts, share them out with others, don't accept anything that cannot be shared by all 6, plan time together as a family and have all 3 parents around and not just her. this will remind her that you have more than 1 parent!! you have not mentioned other siblings. maybe they can help

Answer 8

have her read what you wrote

Answer 9

I sort of had a way out. My birth mother had my phone number and she had a cell, well her cell went out. I had to move because of my husband had passed and my parents asked me to move to their area so they could help with my three year old and my upcoming second child. So therefore she has no idea that I even moved, or what my number is. She drives me crazy, and my birth sister too (drives her crazy). She drove my birth sister crazy because when my birth sister's mother passed away she was trying to make funeral arrangements and my birth mother kept bugging her on the phone telling her to meet her somewhere.....Crazy!

Answer 10

My mom was adopted when she was 7 and her biological mother tried to find the children that were taken from her, but never succeeded.  My mom sought her out when I was 14, for medical purposes, my brother and I needed the info.  So, my biological grandmother demanded more contact in exchange for medical info, we went every weekend for several months, she never gave any info for us, but demanded my mother call her "Mom" and told her she should thank her adoptive parents for taking care of her, but that since she was there, my Mom didn't need them anymore.  Whoa, how horrible.  Needless to say, that was 21 years ago.  The last time I saw that woman, she had hit my mother for not (at 35 years of age) doing as she was told.

Look, your bio wants to be your mom, but she isn't, your Mom is.  If she only wants to see your bio kids, then she is wrong.  

Some times, you just have to put your foot down.  She doesn't want to lose you again, but if you set the ground rules, she won't have to.  Right now, sounds like she may be heading down that path.  GOOD LUCK!

Answer 11

Just be straight with her. Tell her that she may be your biological mom but she didn't raise you, therefore you do not feel comfortable calling her mom and that you won't stop calling your true mom/dad those names.

Also tell her this is YOUR LIFE! NOT HERS! and she needs to respect you for who you are.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 12

Your birth mom has really put you in a bad position.  You need to tel her that although you have been in contact with her for however many years, that your parents are the people who loved you and raised you. Tell her that you are very uncomfortable calling her Mom, because in your heart, your Mom is your adoptive Mom............and I really commend you for that.  Tell her that if she won't back off, then you will have to, just for some peace of mind. If she gets upset, let her get upset...it won't hurt her.  She's being very selfish, and not thinking of you , but herself.

I'm assuming that the six kids you mention are yours and your husbands.  Right now, you tell her that if she is not going to treat all the kids the same, then you will need to halt her time with them.  Those kids are very lucky to have you, and it's people like your bio Mom who give them problems to work out. Don't let her do that to those kids if you love them. Those kids all depend on you........................don't let them down by forcing them into a situation where some of them are made to feel that they're not as good as the others.  Tell bio Mom to shape up or ship out.....it's her choice.

She has absolutely NO right to insist that you call her Mom and stop calling your adoptive parents Mom and Dad.  As an adoptee, she is lucky that you call her anything at all!!

Answer 13

I'd say you're going to have to be very straight-forward with her.  Tell her that if she can't respect the fact that you love your adoptive parents, and that you love all your children, adopted and biological, then she needs to stay away until she can do so.  I think you will probably have to say this directly; you don't have to be rude, but I think you do have to be direct and firm about this.

Good luck.

Answer 14

You have to be straight forward with her, her not wanting anything to do with your adopted child and foster children is completely unacceptable behavior in my opinion.  I don’t know how old they are but they will eventually start to see that ‘birthgrandma’ treats their 3 siblings better then them. Just because they aren’t biological related to her. I’d tell her you spend time with all 6 children or you don’t spend time with any of them.

As far as you calling her mom and ceasing to call the people who have raised you mom and dad. Very selfish on her part she may have carried you for 9months and birthed you but that’s where it ended. Tell her you are not comfortable calling her mom that is reserved for the woman who has raised you. If there are other issues your bio mother may need help but it is not your responsibility to fix her issues for her. You must think of yourself and your children first.

Answer 15

The truth will set you free, try telling her what you feel after asking her if she really wants to hear it. If she volunteers to hear it, tell her that you appreciate her taking interest and you want/do not want to work with her.

The kids - let her know how wonderful you were treated and that you know she will treat ALL your children the same way (yesterday is over, only today and our future we can work on) and let them know she loves and cares for them.

Answer 16

Just keep it real. You said it perfectly already.  Look I'm glad you're in my life, but, It is my life.  I prefer to call you what I've always called you. And, try to realize my mom and dad are just that and they have been for 34 years.Also, when she's at your house...visit with all of my children or you and I can visit somewhere else. Let her know you love all your children and don't want any of them to feel like one is loved more than another, so that is why you are suggesting you see each other somewhere other than your home, until she can treat and love all your children the same, just as you do.

Answer 17

You've likely tried being evasive.  Now all you can do is say No to certain intrusive requests.  You have a Mom and Dad, after all.  Call her by whatever name you choose, not the one she is asking for:  Mom.  

She is trying to make up for lost time, at the expense of your adopted and fostered children.  Not fair at all.  Especially considering that you yourself were adopted.  

You want her still in your life, which is admirable, but less of her.  Just sticking to the ways with which you are comfortable is really all you can do.

I sincerely hope you are able to work this out.  Only you can decide what and who you want in your busy life.  

Good luck!

Answer 18

Let her in on all of your feelings, tell her the truth, she needs to know where she stands and that to have you in her life means having all of you and your children. Use words that express true deep emotion and let her know how you feel about her.

Good Luck!

Answer 19

I would not say anything like that to my mother. Parents have their own style of raising their children. Even as you get older you should not lose respect for them just because they treat you like their child. Intruding on your life? Im pretty sure you intruded on hers when you were born...incase you forgot from your mother. Respect parents and you will be respected. Don't take them for granted because one day...they may not be there anymore...think of how guilty you would feel when that happens and you've treated them so poorly. I know i felt guilty and i hated myself when i did exactly what you are heading towards...

Answer 20

This is hard stuff isn't it? I know I would never have presumed to insist that my daughter call me mom. That for her came with time. I told her to call me by my given name. I will say that she will find it very hard to understand why you are so resistant to the idea. As for her not treating all of your children the same, remind that you love more than one mother (although you don't call her that, she is that) and she can love more than one child, and that includes grandchildren, whether by blood or not. You do need to keep to I statements. Say for instance, "I feel it is unfair for you to ask me to...." or say "When you say that I feel..." That will help her to realize it is not about her but rather it is about you. It won't feel good no matter how you couch it, but if this is to work and you want to keep your relationship intact you have to do it carefully. I know not much help, but I do hope it is some.

Answer 21

She is incredibly selfish and has a whole heck of a lot of nerve to tell you to call her mom and stop calling your REAL parents mom and dad. I think you need to put her in her place. Let her know that you are happy to have her around, but that you are not willing to comply with her request. If she can't respect that, she needs to consider seeking professional help. You are doing her a favor by allowing her in your life...she needs to be happy with what she has.

Answer 22

when i found my birthmother, then birthfather, i felt i was betraying my "real" parents when i was asked questions from the woman who gave me up.  i am embarassed to say this, but it is true.

even tho i always spoke of the people who raised me as my mom, my dad, i am certain it hurt a bit to my biological parents (i won't go into the circumstance).

i would let your biological mom know that altho you are greatful she did not choose to abort the pregnancy and you are happy that you have connected, the people who raised you are your mom and dad.

Answer 23

Sit your biological mom down and tell her...Look I am glad you are in my life but I would prefer to call you by your name and I will continue to call my adoptive parents Mom and Dad.

I am not trying to hurt your feelings but at the same time you have to consider my feelings too, and my adopted parents feelings .

I have six children not just three...and if you can't find it in your heart to spend time with all of them then I am going to have to ask that you not see any of them...They have feelings too and when you only pay attention to 3 the others are hurt

You have got to lay down some rules Yes she is your bio. mother but thats it..Your adopted parents have been there for you and she just can't come on the scene making demands.  

Hope this has helped ...Good Luck

Answer 24

Tell her in a nice way that you need space, maybe she is lonely and want part of your life now.    

Your parents are Mom and Dad they are the ones that gave you everything that your bio-parents could not have done.

So call your birth mom by her name if that make you feel more comfortable.

Answer 25

you simply tell her, you need room. You are growing up and need some space.And say in a really gentle voice...

Answer 26

I'm so honored that you are back in my life today but I've spent the majority of my life calling my adoptive parents mom and dad and I will address them as such til the day I die.  I honestly don't feel comfortable calling you Mom because even though you are my biological mother, you had no hand in raising me, my adoptive mother raised me and was there for all my ups and downs throughout the  years.  Sorry if this upsets you, that's not my intention but I just want to be up front and honest about this.

Answer 27

You need to tactfully let her know that when she chose to give you up, she was giving you away, and whoever she chose to give you away to has become your mom and dad. Let her know you love that you want her to be a part of your life, but nothing will change the fact that she did not raise you, and your parents that raised you became just that...parents. Hope that helps,

Answer 28

I would sit with her and have a heart to heart.  I can understand her wanting you to call her mom, but not to spend time with "non-bio" children is just beyond me!  I believe that is a little selfish!

Answer 29

I dont think there is an easy way to tell them to butt out but you should tell her. I know it will hurt after all she is your mother but you should decide whether it is important enough to tell her.

Answer 30

Not sure there's any tactful way to do this - no matter how politely and carefully you do it, she's going to get upset. But you could try it this way:

You make clear to her that your adoptive parents are 'Mom and Dad' to you and always will be.

If you don't want to call her Mom, tell her you are not comfortable with doing so.

If she wants to spend time with your children, it has to be with all of them, or not at all.

Actually, it sounds as if she is trying for some control over your life.

Answer 31

Be straight with her.

Take on one issue at a time.

Use lots of 'I' statements.

Perhaps if a lot of the info/contact swapping was always between your parents and her - you yourself have not had a whole lot of adult time with her.

Perhaps it's time for some honesty between the two of you.

You are both adults.

You are both mothers.

Compromises probably need to be made both ways - that's how it is with all parent/children relationships.

Be honest with her - and ask her to be honest with you.

Respect her - and hopefully she will be respectful of you.

Remember at all times - to lose a child is a most devastating event in ones life. (whether you chose for it to happen - or whether it was against your will)

Show her empathy and compassion - and she hopefully will show you the same in return.

Good luck.