How to tell if my parents are Controlling Parents

Question

I need a good way to tell if my parents are controlling or not. I think they are but at other times i dont. When i bring it up with them they say we arent controlling. they constantly blame things on my girlfriend and her familly, like that i have changed and how i talk to them. they never stop blaming them. i could just use a list of things to look out for in them. they say they are just guiding me and protecting me, but i am 18 and i can do that myself now. they have been like this since i was 11

Answer 1

First, it has nothing to do with control issues unless you suspect your parents of being micro-psychotic. With parents, control isn't just about power. Kids always think parents have the power and I can assure you parents will tell you "Kids have all the power." This is me, 19 year old, facing same problems.

It's the same old parents feeling edgy about letting their kids go. They tend to get authoritative around that age. Why? Simple fact is they don't want their child to be taken from them. Despite being grown up, the fact is that they raised you from a tiny little infant to what you are now. Of course they will have a hard time letting go, and they'll take it in a wrong way.

Another thing that started happening much more commonly is the "in-state" college rule. Because of the recession, people are starting to think financially. Of course, in-state colleges are considerably cheaper and you can commute to them. Commuting means even less tuition, turning out to be a more affordable price.

A lot of teenagers get this idea that they can start taking care of themselves now. The truth of the matter is, as long as you live under the roof of your parents, their words are as sacred as the Bible. This is because at this point in life, especially going to college;
-You need to get a job, start paying taxes, pay bills such as rent, you definitely won't be able to pay for insurance (ie. MUCH more problems), you need to attend school. You need to CLEAN your house after work AND school, groceries (by GOD how expensive are groceries...)

The thing is, I'm not trying to discourage you from going against your parents. I'm just trying to encourage you to make sure that they are actually being controlling.

IE. the whole blame the GF issue? That is classic style relationship. My parents love each other like no one else has loved each other. Yet, my father's mother hates my mom. HATES. If you really like her, and see a future, then be prepared for a bittersweet mix of hatred and love towards your parents.
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In my case, my parents are very controlling. Doubly so since they are traditional strict Koreans and I am pretty much U.S raised. In my case, I decided s***w trying to label my parents as controlling or not. My mother will probably get Alzheimer's disease in several years and my father would probably get stroke in couple of years. We have no life savings, my parents have no life insurance, no other family in America besides us, they both worked at p**s-poor jobs just to support us this far. Even after all that, my parents are still saying that they will pay for my college and asking me if I am going to dorm or not. My obvious answer is commuting. And believe you me, they are extremely controlling but are giving me a choice to dorm because they feel... like they haven't raised me well because of low income. I told them I'll stay and commute until I graduate.

It really is up to you how to take it. However, consider your parents positions as well. Don't be soft on them, just be responsible and don't do anything you might regret (ie leave on bad terms with your parents). Until I was old enough to realize, I would constantly brood about how I can take care of myself and how much I wished my parents just disappeared. Don't be sympathetic, be empathetic. There is a difference. Compromise certain things. Definitely agree to call them often. Don't be sorry but understand their position.

I personally don't think you are being controlled, but your parents are scared to lose you to the world and to your girl's family. The last thing a parent wants is their child to love something else more than them. A parent's hunger and jealousy for love is immeasurable.

Answer 2

I have a controlling parent and the other parent is silent partner and will often take the controlling parents' side against me, and also against my sibling. I have been dealing with this for almost 10 years. And it does not stop when you move out.

They wil blame your GF and her family because they think that they are the reason why you are challenging their “control exercises” and their so called “authority” which at times is really bot authority at all.  When truly it could be that you have matured to a point of recognizing that your parents behavior is unacceptable and it is interfering with your responsiblities as an adult to make your own decisions.

They threaten you and even blackmail you to control you and keep you from being your own adult – and to try and keep you fro doing something that “they” don’t like – becuase they “don’t like it”. They know what they are doing.

Why do they do it? Because they think it will give them power to do it again. All that really winds up happeneing is that their so called "power" is drained, and they begin to feel bad about themselves, thus trying to reach you again in any way possible ignoring your boundaries and trying to control you again.

Some of these controlling parents will cover up their wrong doing to try and make themselves look good by saying that they are quote "doing what's best for you" –but in reality they just wanna see how much of your dignity and self-worth they can take until they can't take anymore.

To read more and see other things that these sneaky controlling parents are aware of, visit these sites. They also talk about narcissistic parents, too.

http://narcissisticparents.blogspot.com/

http://narcissisticparentsrevealed.blogspot.com/