How to tell someone they're not your maid of honor anymore?

Question

I asked my friend almost a year ago to be my maid of honor. She seemed excited but then started throwing out negative remarks about people getting married. She said that every wedding she stood in, the people have gotten divorced! Then when I asked her for her opinion on bridesmaid dresses. She demanded that she was not wearing pink for anyone but loves red! My color is Claret!!! Also she didn't like any styles I was picking out but the ones she liked, the other girls in my wedding would just not look good in them. The day I went and tried on dresses. My fiancé went with me. (he actually picked it out) It was like a chore for her to come and see what I have picked. She also told me on the phone one night that she would not be able to come to until the night before (as she lives in Alberta and the wedding is in Nova Scotia) and then have to leave 2 days later. I understand that living so far away and getting time off of work is hard. But she's supposed to be my MAID OF HONOR!!! I was pretty hurt by that and now I’m thinking of asking someone else.She won't be able to plan a bachelorette party, bridal shower or do anything to help for the wedding!!!!

I NEED SOME SUGGESTIONS

Answer 1

Just let her know that since she's so far away, you'll need to appoint another friend as maid of honor to help with a variety of tasks like the shower, etc. but you'd still like her to be a bridesmaid if she's willing.  Give her an option to get out of it.

Answer 2

Say that you understood her desire and have selected another maid of honor, when she asks what you are talking about explain that you understood that she wanted you to switch, otherwise why would she have done those things and limited the time she could attend. If she tries to object be very supportive and nice, saying thanks for the gesture but I agree with you that switching is probably the best.

Answer 3

It's your wedding, and you have as your Maid of Honor whomever you want.

Don't do the same dress theme. SO cliche. do the same color, but let them pick out what they want to wear.

My maid of honor lives in Charlotte and I live in New York. Guess what? She planned AND WAS HERE for my Shower and stagette. The distance thing is no excuse. Sounds to me as if she is quite negative. Find someone else that you know will fulfill the job quite right and move on.

Answer 4

ok that sounds so stressful and as a bride to be, you need to have very little stress. the amid of honor is supposed to relieve some stress but i guess she is not.

it depends on how far along you are in the wedding, if its in a few days or weeks, it might be hard to find a replacement.

if you HAVE to get rid of your friend who isnt helping. then get another one of your friends to be the co - maid of honor.

and if your new friend is good and helpful. tell your unhelpful friend that you changed your mind and there can only be one maid of honor and you want it to be your new friend.

remember this is supposed to be your big day. and if she is bringing you down instead of boosting you up, you dont need to be around her.

Answer 5

You have two options:

1. "I appreciate you taking the responsibility of being my Maid of Honor. However, I don't believe this is a good match for the both of us and I would like (insert name of the new Maid of Honor) to now be my Maid of Honor. I'm sorry for any inconveniences this has created and I have greatly enjoyed and appreciated  your efforts up until this point."

If she asks why, give short, but sweet, reasons and end the conversation.

2. "Up to this point, I am not yet convinced you being my Maid of Honor is working out. I would probably take an entire day to explain why, however I have a wedding to plan, a fiance to marry, and a life to get on with. Thanks, but no thanks."

If she asks why, repeat the words "I would probably take an entire day to explain", and walk away.

Again, you have two options: indirect and direct. Depending on what you are most comfortable with, you do realize you will have to make a choice because obviously it isn't working out for you (otherwise you would not be in this situation).

And if it any point a fight ensues, you can always use that as a good excuse to end the friendship and drop the words, "You are no longer invited to my wedding and will no longer be part of my life after it."

Goodluck and try and keep the stress down!

Answer 6

I would "apologize" to her for asking her to take on such a huge undertaking as being your made of honor. Tell her you did so because you love her so much, but now realize you need someone who lives closer to you and has the time to fulfill all the duties.

Ask her to be your "special" bridesmade instead and tell her how much it means to you that she understands and supports you.

good luck-if she doesn't accept this face saving attempt, you will have to just cut her out. After all, this is your day and you deserve supportive people around you.

Answer 7

wow. this will be difficult for you and i'm sorry that you're in this position in the first place.

you need to sit her down soon, obviously, and have a very frank discussion with her. let her know that you're disappointed because you thought she'd be more supportive and helpful with the planning details. remember though, just because she is maid of honor doesn't necessarily mean she can just drop everything at your beck and call. the first time i went and tried on wedding gowns, i went by myself (i worked on the weekends and had weekdays off). i would have LOVED for my mother, sister, or any of my friends to be there for some opinions but to ask them to reschedule their lives just to be a part of my wedding is inexcusable on MY part. that is what turns normal blushing brides into fire-breathing bridezillas.

not to say that you are bridezilla...i think that your friend has got other issues going on and you are taking the hit for her emotions. she might be feeling some resentment for your wedding, jealous that you are tying the knot before she is. as a friend, let her vent to you. she probably feels like she can't tell you how she feels (because of the wedding) and instead is channeling her negative emotions into aspects of the planning (by dissing your choices and colors).

don't force her to step down. as for your bachelorette night and showers, talk with your other bridesmaids about these things. having everyone pitch in might be a huge relief for your MOH.

i hope that this helps--good luck!

Answer 8

No offense, but why did you pick her to begin with, when she lives so far away?  Sounds like you'd be doing her a favor to let her off the hook, unless she bought the dress already, and even if she did, she could just be a bridesmaid, not the MOH.  

And by the way - where is it written that everyone needs to wear the same dress?  This is not Merry Maids, it's a wedding.  You can have dresses that coordinate, or are made of the same material, without being exactly the same style.  You sound a little Bridezilla-ish.

Answer 9

Well as you probably know there is No easy way of really telling her she is no longer your maid-of-honour. As far as I'm concerned this could be the end of your friendship. This is your big day and the ball is in your court......so you decide whether you are going to use her or not.

As for someone who was a MOH for my friend overseas last month, there are some things that your MOH is doing that I found to be unreasonable. She has to remember that the day it's all about YOU not HER!  Whether or not she likes the colour or style, she should be honoured that you have asked her to play such an important role on your special day.

The silver dress my friend asked me to wear is not something I plan on wearing again, infact, I plan to donate it to Goodwill but I wore it because she wanted me to wear it.

As for coming the night before, that's ridiculous! She knew about this wedding months ago, why didn't she make proper arrangements with her job for time off. As for the shower and such, sorry, I think  you are gonna just have to delegate that to people who are around you right now, like the bridesmaids and your mom etc.

Answer 10

Tell her that over time things have changed and another friend has really helped out and stepped into the duties of maid of honor so you want to move things around a bit and they will have to share the title!

Answer 11

This isn't what you want to hear, but you're being a little unreasonable.

Why do you need her in town several days before and after the wedding? She should be there for the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, and the reception. Anything besides those things is above and beyond the call of duty. Like you said, she has a life and a job a long way away from you.

Why does she need to come see a dress when you've already chosen it? Why shouldn't she express opinions on what she's going to have to wear (and presumably pay for), provided she cooperates with everyone else in the end?

It's great if she can be around to help, but not required. Your mother, another friend, or the other bridesmaids can throw your shower. The other bridesmaids or another friend can plan your bachelorette party. For help with the wedding, you should be enlisting the help of friends and family members that live nearby. You knew that she lived far away when you asked her - surely you realized she couldn't pop in every time you need help.

There is nothing wrong with having a long-distance MOH, but you have to modify your expectations of what she can and can't do for you. And you have to remember that she's your maid of honor, not your housemaid. Your wedding day is a huge deal to you, but you can't expect her to feel the same way about it - her life doesn't stop for your wedding.

Asking her to step down will likely ruin your friendship - is it worth it?

Answer 12

I'm confused as to the real problem here.  Ok she told you she has had bad luck being a bridesmaid for people who get divorced.  Probably she shouldn't have TOLD you that but the fact remains the same and if you are close enough to have asked her to be MOH anyway I would have expected you to know that.  Plus she told you she hates pink.  So do a lot of people.  I've told people I wouldn't wear pink b/c I hate it.  Luckily you didn't pick pink so I'm not sure where the problem is.  She loves red and you picked a wine color.  Sounds like that is perfect.

You took her bridesmaids dress shopping and asked her opinion.  If you didn't want it, don't ask for it.  She probably doesn't know the other girls in the wedding party so you really aren't expecting her to pick the dress that would look good on them are you?

Our bachelorette parties are usually a few weeks in advance so more than likely she would be unable to come.  Please tell me you weren't expecting her to fly from Alberta to Nova Scotia for a night of drinking and then fly back a month later for the wedding.  So it would be stupid for her to plan a party without knowing the other girls or their budgets, the local area, or anything.  I would have ASSUMED she wasn't going to plan it.  Ask someone else to plan it for you.

It sounds like you are being very bridezilla.  All the responsibilities of the MOH are to show up with the dress on the day of the wedding and help calm you down.  If she is doing that she is fulfilling her duties.  Don't throw her out of the wedding when she has done nothing wrong.  I see on these boards Bridesmaids who are ridiculous with demands.  Mine was one of them.  All yours has done is keep you posted on what days she can take off work, agree with your color choice and give you dress suggestions.