How to tell your parents you found your birthmother and want to meet her?

Question

My husband just found his biological family. He has talked with his birth mom and he's got a brother and sisters that want to meet him. He wants to meet them but he feels very guilty about it and it will hurt his mom extremely. Could people share their experiences with us and let us know the turn out. His mom has feared this from the day she adopted him and I'm sure will flip, is it right for him to bring his biological family into his life?

Answer 1

If he is a married adult, he does not have to tell his mom at all. Just keep things separate at least for now. No reason to upset his mom and no reason his bio-mom has to be a part of his life with his adoptive parents.

Answer 2

One of the things that people who adopt have to deal with is the curiosity of the adopted child to find his or her biological family. That is something that they should be aware of from the beginning. The best adoptive parents should understand that nothing will kill that curiosity. He should be open and honest with her and let her know that he loves her, respects her, but wants to know about his other family.

Answer 3

if he hasnt met his family, let him do that first, before he tells his mom. and go from there. i met my birth mom when i was 22. i traveled from tenn. to ohio. i met her . icried to her she huged me . said my dad told me bunch of lies about her deserting me. i was 4 mons. old.  i stayed in ohio 3 dayss. im 50 now. havent  heard a word from her since. i do have a wonderful halfsister in ohio, we have the same mom, wasnt raised 2gether. but we have kept in touch for around 40 yrs. i took her to my parents house ,we stayed outside, my dad come out but never even acknowledged her, and my dad was a real friendly person. hes gone now. all i have is my stepmother but she raised me, so... my sis comes down to see me 2 or 3 times a yr. i dont travel. shes in my families life but not involved in my stepmothers life. she knows about her and she just recently told me shes glad i have her because my sis from stepmom is dead. we were raised 2gether. hope this helps some. shes your mama. if u 2 want 2 be in each others life by all means go 4 it. i wish mine wanted me. but she doesnt. i have 3 half-sister in ohio she doesnt have anything 2 do with. and she so-called raised them. they hated every min of it. i wish my mom did want me. but she doesnt. its sad. but all the luck in the world 2 u.

Answer 4

It is very natural for people who have been adopted to want to meet or even just find their biological families. Your husband shouldn't feel guilty for finding his birth mother and starting a relationship with her. He should privately sit down with his mom and explain to her that she raised him and will always be his mom, but that he's curious about his biological family...let her know that she's not being replaced. I think she's worried that her place as his mother will be taken away, and your husband has to explain to her that that won't happen.

I wish you all the best of luck as you form new relationships.

Answer 5

Congrats to your husband i do hope things go well with them...Now his adopted parents may take this several ways...First its normal to want to meet your bio parents and there is nothing wrong with that, we all want to know where we came from.  His adopted parents not know what kind of people they are could be happy for him, feel sad that he felt the need to look, not understand at first but will get over it, or they will be pleased.  He should share with them and tell him he needed this and that he thinks the world of them but he needed this for himself.  Maybe one day all will come together as one big happy family, just don't push this, give everyone the time they need to adjust...Good Luck, i hope all works out.

Answer 6

My mom gave a child up for adoption 2 years before I was born.  Upon being diagnosed (my mom) with terminal cancer we decided to look for her.  We found her quickly because of our situation and we were all so unsure what to think or how to handle it.  Her adopted mother did not want us in the picture but my sister had a very open mind and was very excited.  We did get to meet her and her children and we got along great.  We know that she has a "mom and dad" and it felt a little awkward at times saying "my" mom  but everything just kinda worked out.  My mom passed away 6 months after getting to meet her and my sister was at the bedside when she passed.  

I think as long as he has no expectations for the meeting he should definitely meet them.  Its like unfinished business.  He doesn't have to love them or let them be a part of his life but his questions will never be answered if he doesn't at least see them once.  His real mom will love him enough to get over this but she needs a little reassuring.  Its normal for adoptive parents to be a little apprehensive or even terrified of this happening.  I'm sure they think that the birth parents are going to come in and say "ok thanks for raising my baby now I want him back".  I think as long as you let her be a part of this when she is ready it will really all be ok.  

I was kinda blubbering but I hope this helped.  Good luck!!