How to you like my poem/lyrics?

Question

My first attempt at writing lyrics.

I am no good with melodies, so I wrote them to the tune of the Jonas Brothers' "Shelf"

You were the first

You taught me what love was

I knew from the start

That you were the only one

But you’ve gone astray

Now I’ve done all that I could

You’ve given me up for good

You told me you’d be here for me

You’d travel over land and over sea

But now you say we weren't meant to be

I was the only for you

And now my heart has split clean into two

Don't tell me you're in love with someone new

We had a dream

But it was a long shot

I was willing to try

But now you have gone on

to another girl

You’ve replaced your 'whole world'

But you say it’s in the past

You’d be here for me

You’d travel over land and over sea

But now you say we weren't meant to be

Only one for you

And now my heart has split clean into two

Don't tell me you're in love with someone new

I’m trying to just be friends with you

But it’s something I can’t seem to do

First off, is the message clear? Can you understand the general meaning behind it? And second, how would you improve it?

Answer 1

you need to rearrange the lyrics to some format where it has the first word that rhymes and then the next word doesnt and then the third word does and then the forth one can go either way i guess, becuase i dont want to say that having three rhymes in a row is wrong but it just doesnt seem like a good idea unless your gunna rap it lmao

Answer 2

theres nothing bad about it, its pretty good actually. its not overly deep or thoughtful though, but depending on the music it could still make a really great song. the message is very clear.

Answer 3

i think that is a wonderful song!

The meaning shows lies and braeking heart, i would improve it by saying something like I thought it was all my fault but then I thought it was all you, SOmething like that but in a rhyme and youll put it in a couple of verses.  I like it thouhg!!