How weird was this comment??

Question

I was talking to a colleague of mine from work about teenage pregnancy. I was sharing an incident regarding one of my best friends in highschool. It was like this.

My friend Lisa was 15 years old and hidden her pregnancy from all! She stopped going to school and next thing I know she wouldn't talk to anyone.. That was until a few months later. She had given birth to a baby girl who was given up for private adoption. He dad being a devote catholic had "forced" her to do so. He also thought taking her out of school and letting her give birth without telling anyone was a good idea.

This was 1984.. a long time ago. Adoption to me as I was saying to my friend was not a every day occurance. The adopted parents lavished Lisa with girly products and gifts. one of which even at the age of 16 made me think they were a bit off kilter

The adopted parents bought Lisa a Cabbage Patch doll completly named with the name of the daughter she just gave away!

I thought it was insensitiv

2 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.

Additional Details

1 second ago

I thought it was insensitive and frankly bizarre!

My work colleague said to me... I don't think it was bizarre at all. I think it may of been therapuetic for her.

How weird was that comment? How odd was the gift to a mom who just gave away her daughter to some wealthy parents who paid for everything?

It affected my friend Lisa and scarred her in many ways..

Answer 1

Yeah, sure it is a little strange. Who knows way back in the early 80's maybe someone recommended her parents do that. Weren't those cabbage patch kids in a huge demand back then??

Answer 2

Hmm, that is a weird thing to do.  But do you mean the doll affected Lisa & scarred her in many ways or do you mean the adoption in general?  

You know, I can kinda see where some people might think it was therapeutic.  It may be to some people, who knows?

Answer 3

theraputic????????  oh good grief.

Answer 4

Frankly, it is strange to me that you would have such a strong reaction to someone else's opinion.  This is something that happened over 20 years ago....you have strong feelings on how it affected your friend, so what do you care what someone else thinks?  Let it go.  

It is okay for people to have different points of view....Yahoo Answers is not the place to search for validation of an insecurity you may have....your co-worker has an opinion, you have an opinion.  There is no right or wrong.  If you don't want to hear differing ideas, don't converse with people on subjects you feel so strongly about.

Answer 5

your colleague is thinking of what i thought as an adoptive parent. The adoptive parent wanted to thank her and tell the birth mother " i know you will never forget your child and have her best interest......hope you heel with this loss and realise we will love her to bits........here's a doll to help you heal". I am sure they never wanted her to be scarred. Most adoptive parents don't wish this. Its just that its so confusing and complicated for them to express without apearing insensitive. I hope you can pass on my message to your friend Lisa and hope she doesn't regard the adoptive parents as insensitive people.

Answer 6

It was certainly not right for Lisa's father to force her to give her child away.  She had made a mistake and he had a right to be angry and disapointed but it was too late to change anything so he should also have been supportive and let her chose to keep the child and helped her to raise it if that was what she wanted.  He should also have left her in school.  But saying that it was another time (I was born in 1984!) and he may have felt he had no choice but to do that to save her reputation or something like that.  

However it was a wonderful thing to the adoptive parents.  They were probably so grateful to Lisa for giving them a longed for child that they wanted to thank her in some way and the best way they knew how was to give her the gifts they thought a teenage girl would like.  I agree that the Cabbage Patch doll may be a little inappropriate (i.e. replacing the baby with a doll with the same name) but they probably meant it to be symbolic to give her a reminder of the wonderful thing she gave them and so she had something to remember the baby's name by.  

However she feels now it was not the adoptive parents' fault, I think they meant no harm.  She was in the wrong frame of mind for adoption if she wanted to keep the baby but her father made her give it up.

Answer 7

Hmmmmm, weird.  The doll was supposed to be like a consolation for the daughter she lost?

I wonder if they gave the daughter they adopted a Cabbage Patch Mommy doll of your friend?

Answer 8

I don't think is was the doll that scarred her. The doll may serve as a reminder to her, but the emotional problems she may have I believe are from the events that occurred and the adoption taking place. It would be very hard on a 15 yr old to be suddenly ripped out of school and alienated from all her friends. And then forced to give her child up. The doll can be discarded, but the emotional damage from the experience can't. It might be a good idea for her to seek some form of counseling to help her come to terms with things.

Answer 9

therapuetic my a.s.s. - like a doll could replace her child - the level of insensitivity in some people is astonishing

Answer 10

Bear in mind this happened in 1984.  Adoption education and sensitivity has certainly made some strides since then!  

Considering how many fmothers who placed children for adoption in the 70's and 80's didn't even have their existance acknowledged, I think the intentions behind the gesture were good.  

If that happened today, I would say yes, it was inappropriate and strange.  But society's understanding of adoption has made some significant strides since then.  Take the times, attitude of society and education (or lack thereof) about adoption into consideration, too.

ETA: Open adoptions were pretty well unheard of at that time also.  So was adoptive parents having any real connection or relationship with fparents.  

While I would give the benefit of the doubt to the aparents in this situation because of the reaons I described, I think your co-worker calling it "therapeutic" is way off base.

Answer 11

The doll was perhaps a misguided attempt at a thoughtful gift.

The adoptive mother was probably a bit overwhelmed at what to do for her adopted child's first mother.  I mean WHAT could you give a person who was trusting you with their child!!!

The comment your "friend" made was just ...conversation!!!she hasn't had 20 years to think about what happened like you did.

Answer 12

I would call it insulting, selfish and repulsive and even more so misplaced.  

1. The adopting parents should have bought themselves a "doll" to carry around. Its theraputic for women struggling with infertility and acceptance.

2. They violated her by encouraging her to substitute "her" child with a d**n doll instead of helping her care for her child.

3. She was violated by her father "making" her place her child with another woman as if she wasn't able to love her own baby.

4. Children rights are a joke and serve the needs of adults only.

5. Lisa needs to find her child and tell him/her everything.  I know if that someone did this to my mother, I would hate my adoptive parents no matter how many dolls they gave me.

Answer 13

Wow, totally weird. What a de-valuation of the child she had just been forced to give away!

Answer 14

This was 24 years ago and like Jennifer said, there was a different understanding of adoption back then. Keep it on the downlow so to speak and of course that first moms will get over it just fine (though some people do still feel that way.)

I don't believe any adoptive parent these days would ever give our child's mom a CPK or any doll and say "no need to grieve, you can just cuddle this doll with the same name."

But for the time, I honestly believe that the gift of the doll was sincerely meant. I don't believe they intended to cause any harm and truly believed the gift would be well received or perhaps even treasured.

That's probably what your colleague meant.

It is grossly insensitive, but unfortunately those things are not retroactive and hopefully adoptive parents have come along way in that kind of thinking (though sadly I do know some have not).

Answer 15

Dear Bailey's Girl,

I had to read the question twice and let it sink in to believe someone would actually do this!! O-M-G!

First of all, I am dreadfully sorry for your friend, Lisa. What she suffered through at the hands of her father must have been horrifying and unbelievably painful for her. As if teen pregnancy isn't crisis enough but to be sequestered and alone during the process must have been awful. Add to that the unbearable pain of a forced separation. (Reminiciant of "The Girls Who Went Away".) I cannot imagine her feelings - they must have been simply unbearable.

Second, that someone would consider doing what these APs did, however well-intended (good intentions lead where again?!) and cute they may have thought it was, seems not only insensitive but downright insulting. The implications and underlying message are nothing short of patronizing. It basically says, "Someone messed up and let you, a child, have OUR baby! Here's the dolly you were meant to have!"

She was FIFTEEN for crying out loud! A doll - and a Cabbage Patch at that - for a FORCED adoption!!? Total disreguard for her feelings!! Maybe they assumed fifteen year-olds don't have real ones or they are invalid due to her "immaturity". IDK, all I can say is they must not have really ever considered her on an adult level.

I also have to wonder was the name one that Lisa chose or the name the APs picked? If she had another name for her daughter this was paramount to pouring salt in the wound.

What were thay thinking she would do with it? She wasn't going to play with it. Were they expecting her to keep it in a box or on a shelf as a REMINDER?! I seriously want to know what they were thinking! Who in the world would want a DOLL in place of their CHILD?! Come on, people! Who even thinks of such thing?! That's just CREEPY!

I can't imagine what she could even do with the doll once they gave it to her! I wouldn't be able to bear to LOOK at it, but you can't throw it away - the ridiculous symbolisim!! How would that act be percieved or make her feel?! Sheesh.

I am sure they meant well but I can't believe that someone would consider that appropriate! For your colleague to call it theraputic is outright laughable! Thereputic in what way?! Should she cuddle it, talk to it, treat it as the "replacement" it is implied to be? Isn't that a bit unhealthy?! Wouldn't it have been far more healthy to allow her a relationship with her daughter?

I hope someday your Lisa and her daughter are reunited and your friend can begin to heal a little. Maybe if this happens she can return the doll to the APs, or maybe she and her daughter can burn it together in effigy of the lost years, or maybe her daughter will want it although I can't imagine why. That might be ACTUALLY theraputic.

I TOTALLY agree with you that it was both a bizarre thing to do (although as I said, I'm sure they meant well) and a bizarre statement by your colleague. I think it was astute of you notice at 16 and I think you sound like a very intelligent and compassionate person. Lisa is lucky to have a friend like you.

THANK GOODNESS FOR PAPs and APs who "get it"!!!!

**Spell check not working yet again, sorry!**

ETA: I find it odd that so many people find this "excusable" because it happened in 1984. I personally feel that this is not an excuse! Just because something happened in the past does not make it excusable. If that were true then should we also "excuse" people who treated Blacks unfairly because it was the fifties?And if we can "excuse" THEM because was "a long time ago", then what about those who kept slaves or people who participated in the Holocaust or the Spanish Inquisition or anyone else who has treated others as "less then human" because people thought differently way back then?!! I am sorry. IMO, the time period makes NO difference. Are we saying 25 years ago we didn't realize that adoption was painful for first parents?! Are we saying that people are incapeable of thinking for about others or telling the difference between right and wrong without social prompting?! Do we really have so little compassion and empathy for others without some preset guideline that we can't even tell when we are being insensitive?! If this it true then I am even more worried about humanity than I was before...

Answer 16

She was alienated, hidden away, shamed, forced to give away her first born child, then given a doll for her troubles.

Sick.