How / when will the pain stop?

Question

as a first mom i just feel so incredibly overwhelmed with all that happened, even years later. i just can't stop the pain of it all. i've tried to think positive about it. i tried to believe that i did the right thing, but i feel betrayed on so many levels. i don't trust people anymore. i live in fear. i never felt like i had a choice. i hate living this every single day. every single day. it never goes away. can someone help? i can't even be honest about my life when talking to other people because i know if i were to tell them, i know the ridicule i'd be facing. can someone tell me, when, or if this will go away? i have had another child, but it doesn't change all the other. thanks

Answer 1

Pray.  Associate yourself with other good housewives. They will give you god advise.

Answer 2

I'm not qualified to answer your question because I have never walked in your shoes

I can tell you that an open adoption being closed by the adopters is the most cruel thing I ever heard - and I'm hearing it over and over again from first moms (tears rolling down face for the moms and the adoptees) it's perfectly natural for you to feel betrayed and violated in the worst way possible

All I can offer is huge hugs and hope for you.  Take care of yourself

Joe Soll has a nightly support chat - there are lots of first mothers there and it costs nothing.  Use the adoption crossroads link someone else has already posted here to contact him - I'm sure it will help

I know for a fact that speaking with others who have walked in my shoes has been far more beneficial than any therapy could ever be

Answer 3

There seems to be so many variables in your situation that each have to be addressed seperately in order for the pain to ease. First, you should realize that you did what you felt was best for your daughter considering YOUR circumstances. No one has the right to make you feel bad for that. Only you know what you could handle at that time. Secondly, you have to deal with the rape situation. Have you healed emotionally from that? Thirdly, you have to understand that the adoption seemed to be difficult for everyone involved, but you got through it and the baby ended up where you wanted her. I am so sorry that you can't see her anymore, but in time, she may want to find you. Then, no one can stop you from seeing her. I know that it is hard, but you have to respect the AP's. They also have things that they need to consider when it comes to the daughter's mental and emotional state if you had continued to see her. You are in need of some inner healing. I would recommend a minister, phycologist, or whom ever you prefer that can help talk you through the situation so that you can heal. Until then.... I am not sure if anything else can help. Best wishes

Answer 4

You don't say what you did that is making you feel so bad.

Answer 5

The pain will go away but the thought of your baby won't. I gave my son up for adoption 11 years ago and I count the days till he is 18. I don't tell people about it. I told my husband because he needed to know but other than that it isn't any ones business. I have dealt with the hole in my heart and the hurt alone, I regret my decision but when I remember why I did it it was the right thing to do for my son. Don't dwell on what other people think about this you have to be alright with it and that is all that counts the other won't ever understand because they didn't have to make that kind of choice. People tell me I was brave and they respect me for it, I don't praise my decision like that. We all deal with it differently.

Answer 6

I can hear the pain and anguish that you are experiencing. What a huge decision to make and at such an emotional time of your life. I encourage you to talk to a counsellor or trusted friend about your regrets. You have no reason to be fearful about people's judgments. You did what you considered to be the best thing at the time and you can be honest about it and you don't have to live in fear. You are a mum and that is a very important job. You have the opportunity to influence the future positively. Cherish every moment with your child and forgive yourself for mistakes and decision made in the past. You owe yoursef and your child, a good and fear free future. You are worth it. All the best.

Answer 7

Side note, it's amazing how many people don't recognize the phrase first mom.

Possum linked you up with some of the various forums out there.  They are good ones to get your feet wet with meeting other mothers like us.  She's also right, that blogging your experience and your feelings is a really good outlet.

What you are feeling is totally in the range of normal for stages of grief.

(Also Possum, I have a big huge list of blogs of firstparents if you are interested.)

Answer 8

(((((((((((((((Red & Sassy)))))))))))))))

I can feel the pain in your words - I'm so sorry that you're feeling so lost right now.

I don't know if the pain will ever truly go away.

I know that many first mums find comfort in talking to other's that have gone through the same situations.

Are you linked up to any support groups??

I'll leave you with some links of support groups and blogs from first mothers. Perhaps even starting a blog of your own to write about what has happened to you. (I find that outlet really helpful) If you want any help at all setting up a blog - please drop me a line here - I'd love to help.

Please know that there are many that know your pain - you are not alone. And your pain is completely justified.

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.ph...

http://origins-usa.org/

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...  (blogs)

Take care of you.

Possum.

Edit -

Magic - I would love your list of first mum blogs. I can add them to the AAAFC list also. Could you please email me through here??? Thanks.

Answer 9

sounds like you have postpartum depression... its pretty serious you need to see a doctor right away before you do something drastic... just remember dont feel helpless, even in the worst cases THEY WILL HELP YOU...it has to do with chemicals in your body and they CAN fix it.. please just get help from your doctor

Answer 10

Wait...am I confused...the earlier post says you have an 18 month old you relinquished...now this one says that "even years later" you are still grieving....

what's up girlfriend????

Answer 11

Well I don't know what exactly you're saying that you did that has caused you this much pain, but whatever it is, you should seek therapy so that you can let all this pain out and talk about it. Chances are you are feeling overwhelming guilt and perhaps betrayal. I don't know why, or what happened. I am assuming you gave a child up for adoption against your will? Whatever is happening, whatever you are going through it is not going to get better until you face it and get another perspective. Stop beating yourself up over it, you don't have to do that. Punishing yourself is not the answer. Seek help, take my advice and see a therapist. The therapist will be able to help you through this so you can know the root cause of your terrible suffering.

Good luck

xo

Heart

Answer 12

red and sass..., when you stop beating yourself up about it.  accept it, its over and done with.  Good luck with your "problem."

Answer 13

Seek counseling on this and try to gain some closure.

Answer 14

I'm really confused by your passage.

Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist so you can vent?

Answer 15

over time it will go away believe me i know

Answer 16

I know exactly how you feel. Every day I look at my girls and I see their brother. His pictures are all over the house. Every holiday is painful knowing he is not here. I think it is c**p when people say "you'll get over it" and "it gets easier". I won't and it doesn't. I scan the faces of young men in hopes of seeing my own eyes looking back.

I do the opposite when it comes to telling people. I tell everyone. It is almost as though I want them to ridicule and shame me right off the bat so I can write them off immediately. I don't want to care and then have them walk out. I know I couldn't deal with that.

I have found that keeping his memory alive in my home and in my heart helps. It also keeps the pain alive but I refuse to mourn him as though he was dead. I count the years until I can search for him in an active way. I have a private blog where I write all of my feelings. I can't bring myself to share it and I am glad I haven't. The responses here have shown me that my pain needs to be somewhat private. I am selective about who I share the true extent of it with. Talking with other n-moms has been helpful too. It feels as though nobody understands but there are people who truly "get it".

If you need to rant, vent, cry or just talk I am here. We need to have safe people to share the grief with, it isn't healthy to bottle it up.

Answer 17

(((((Red)))))

Only work through your pain as long as you can stand it.  If you can't stand it (like now), take a long break - get completely away from the subject of adoption and your loss.  Go back and work through more of it ONLY when you are feeling strong enough.  No one can live with this stuff every single day.  

The child who is with you now needs you, and needs your joy.  YOU need your joy, too.  This may sound stupid, but smile - force yourself.  Smiling creates endorphins in the brain and, dear Red, you need endorphins right now.

Just walk away from this for a while.  Get down on the floor and play a game or color with your child.  Go for a walk together.  Try to feel your child's happiness and wonder, and just try to ride that wave.

Answer 18

((((((((((((((red n sassy)))))))))) I know exactly how you feel. I truly do. Please, please know you are not alone. You can email privately (add me to your contacts as well) I am a mother too, and have been where you are. Possum and Sunny have given you some very good links. Reposting those for you-

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.ph...

http://origins-usa.org/

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

It never goes away, but I promise it does get better and we can heal!

Answer 19

What did you do that you feel so wrong abt? Did you give one up for adoption before? If so,it may have been the best choice all the way around at that time. If you are having a hard time dealing w/it,you may need some counsoling. It's no one else's business,so you don't need to mention it to everyone else. If you feel the need to discuss it with close family members,like your partner,then I would think abt that,but only after you got some help from a counsoler. It is hard to carry this kind of burden by yourself. So either way,please get some help with your situation. You will feel so much better. Good luck.

Answer 20

are you saying youve given up your baby? no the pain wont ever go away in time though it may ease up. i think you should find a support group. maybe even seek therapy. you can get thru this. maybe you can celebrate your childs life with a cupcake every yr on his/her bday or maybe take some peace in the fact he/she is safe and loved.  im sorry you are going thru this. i hope you get some help to get thru this. im sorry it is so hard.

Answer 21

you did what you thought was right for your child at the time. All of us parents go through it. My son was hospitalized for a possible broken hip, i thought it was his ankle but the doctor was sure it was his hip.  They took so much blood and subjected my son to horrible test all to say he had broken his ankle.  The point being as a mom you know what is right for your child at the time. we all second guess ourselves. you gave you baby a life that you felt was right for them at the time. I'll pray for you I know it's hard

Answer 22

You might be going through some depression, i'd ask ask the doctor about treating it, hope you feel better soon =)

Answer 23

I dont knwo what to tell you because you didnt say what happened. Sorry :(

Answer 24

It will never go away until you reunite, I went through the same thing in 1972 when I gave up my daughter, it doesn't really matter why, the fact is I did it. The first year I thought i was going to go crazy, then for a coulple of years, I thought she must be dead, because I didn't feel anything. Only a handful of people knew about her. I live a lie for 30 years, when my son was born in 1977, everytime I looked at him, I thought of her, what did she look like, was she sad or happy, but I had to go on with my life. Every year on her birthday, I could hardly move the grief was so overwhelming. I couldn't talk about to anyone, she was a big secret, it is so hard to live a lie. I was told to forget about her, but that's ridiculous, how could I? I thought if people knew, they would think I was a horrible piece of c**p, because that is how I felt about myself. Then in 2000, I went to Las Vegas with a friend and after a couple of drinks, she confessed that she had, had a son and given him up for adoption. I still didn't say a word to her about my daughter. Then in 2001, my sister found a search angel, who found my daughter living in a town 100 miles away. 2 weeks later this same angel found my friends son. Somy daughter was 29 1/2 when I found her. She has issues with abandonment, but we have both had some counseling and it helped some. She does not call me mom and her kids do not call me grandma, but that's ok, I'll take what I can get. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the fact that I gave my child away, that I couldn't figure out how to keep her, that my family was no help. We do not know the ramifications of what adoption does to the kids or the birth mother. I wish i had never put myself in that position, to have to chose and to be so stupid as to do it wrong. I never should have had to make that decision. I was afraid to tell the world when i found her, but you know what? People did not react the way I thought they would. They were excited, shocked and so happy that I found her. They were not mean and did not chastise me. Some people cried for the joy of it. I was embraced, of course some people did want to know the gory details, but it was just a few. I have been vocal with my story and it's very healing.

I think you should try to get some counceling. Even though it's now been 35 years since i gave her up, I will never be able to forgive myself, for what I did, but I go on and try to be a good friend to my daughter now. I have my son and he has a baby, so my life is pretty good. I have been on antidepressants for a lot of years and they have helped me too.

I hope my story helps you. I found the light at the end of the tunnel.

Answer 25

It saddens me that you do not have any type of support system or counseling to assist you with all of this emotion.  I'm not saying it would go away - but to help you get through it.  My heart bleeds for you.  

Did you go through an agency?  Did they offer any type of support or counseling?  I ask this because our agency did offer the birth parents this type of assistance - to be used whenever they needed it even post-adoption.  

I am thinking of you.  Stay strong.

Answer 26

be healed. and thou will be a good... nah forget it....

Answer 27

it won't stop.. i was in your shoes 13 years ago and not a day goes by that i don't think about sarah. it breaks my heart. i'm so sorry...   :(

Answer 28

Hey i'm sorry and I hope your forget like most people say you will. you did what you thought was right and no-one can blame you. Are you saying the adopted couple have your child and now don't want you to have anything to do with your child if so then shame on them. You helped them get the child not once but twice(once at birth second in court) Write your child and tell the child your feeling and how you feel even if you can't mail them keep them and when the child comes back hand them to  your child (she or he) will understand what you have gone through for  the child to be raised with love, this child will love you for it. Please try to get some help and give your other child a hug for me for this child has a wonderful mother.

Answer 29

I feel this way often.  Somedays are so much better then others and then the depression kicks in.  I talk about my daughter but I don't say she is my daughter when I am talking about her with people who don't know about her and I feel as if I am doing her a disservice by not speaking up.

(((hugs))) it is really hard.  You don't truelly get over it but after a while you learn to cope with it.

I agree with Possum and magicpoint.  Write, journal, find some friends online who have been where you are at and talk with them.

For those who wondered about her question it is there in black and white.

Answer 30

You just have to think positive. When you think positive and surround your self with positive people and good energy then things will get better. I cant tell you how long that will take because its something you have to do on your own. Stop fucusing on the past there is nothing you can do now to change it, you can only try to make the best of things now and your life now. I dont know what has happened to you, but maybe talking with someone will help. Like a help line, or a school teacher, friend or someone you trust. They may be able to help you better. Good luck, and smile ok./ p.s its unclear as to whats wrong so its hard to help or give suggestions.

Answer 31

I'm adopted and when I found my birth mom it unleashed some serious emotional turbulence!  I looked at a lot of different websites and forums.  I found one that helped me the most.  

http://dailystrength.org/index.php?optio...  I hope you find some peace until you are able to reunite with your child.