How & when would/do you have the 'big talks' with your child? how to have them with very young children?

Question

the big talks: s*x (also inappropriate touching), drugs, smoking, drinking, etc...

at what age & how do you talk to your kids about these things?

i want to do it long before my child has any 'run-ins' with any of them. i know i was very young (*way* under 10--some before 4 or 5 yrs old) when each of these came up & didn't have the necessary tools & knowledge to deal...

how would you talk to so young a child about such issues??

Answer 1

My daughter is 8 and my son is 6 and i have had the take about inappropriate touching with both of them. I have the take once a year around their birthdays as just a reminder. I started with the take with my kids at the age of 5. Because they are so young i didn't go into great detail. I just let them know what incorporate touching is and what to do if anyone did such a thing.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

s*x: most of it you should answer as the child asks questions.  i knew how babies were made from when i was 3 because my sister was born then and i asked questions - i can't actually remember when i was told!  i was satisfied by fairly minimal answers to my questions at that age, and then asked in more detail later on.

most of my knowledge before i was about ten came from trips to the natural history museum, where the human body exhibition prompted me to start asking questions again in more detail when i was a little older.  after about the age of 10, children should be getting s*x education and, later on, information about contraceptives at school.

smoking you should address by example, depending on your stance.

if you are yourself a non-smoker and would like your child to be the same, then talk to your child about it when you see people smoking in the streets, and tell them why you don't approve of smoking.

if you smoke and don't mind your children smoking, leave them to discover it on their own.

if you smoke but you don't want your kids to, you should quit.  otherwise they will just think of you as a hypocrite and you will lose credibility.

the puberty talk is best done at about 8 or 9 years old, as some children will have started the process by this age.  be careful not to be too graphic about things like menstruation - one of the children in my 10-yr-old nephew's class was actually sick during the overdescribed talk they had, and it can be a very frightening idea for small girls when they're not used to it.

drugs should be done on a similar timescale, with warnings from about age 10 about the dangers and effects of certain drugs.  be totally candid with your children about your own experiences - hearing my sister tell me about a bad acid trip my dad had put me off trying anything hallucinogenic - but it would've been better coming from my mum or dad.  they were both quite honest and open with me about the various things they tried in the sixties in most respects, but kept that one to themselves.

with drinking, if you drink socially, you should encourage your children to drink with you from the age of about 12.  this will demystify it, and most kids will be put off by the taste of alcohol if introduced to it without the added flavour of it being something illicit done with friends later on.  also be quite open about "mum's got a hangover today and feels rubbish" type comments - let them see the downsides to drinking too much.

if you are a non-drinker, i don't really know what to advise except that most of the people i know who drank excessively in their teens do so through not having learned from their role models the appropriate way to approach it.

inappropriate touching:  you should explain, without actually telling them what kind of touching is involved, that if anybody, adult or child does anything that makes them feel uncomfortable they should come and tell you.  i would say that age about 6 is appropriate for this.  before that time, the child is not self-aware enough to feel uncomfortable with things that you would yourself deem inappropriate.

making a big deal out of an incident that has not made the child uncomfortable in the first place can do much more harm than good, making the child ashamed of something that it would otherwise not have occurred to them to worry about.  if you become aware of anything untoward that your child has not raised as an issue, deal with it as far as is possible without involving the child - remove that person from their presence etc.

i remember being given that particular talk at the age of 8 or 9, but it didn't really become relevant to me for another 6 years or so.  it's a very important talk to have in more detail with kids, particularly girls, aged about 12 or 13 as they start to be more independent and travel out of the home alone more.

raising issues early and discussing them without much detail is a good way to make sure that your child has awareness of them without overloading their ability to cope with what can be difficult and uncomfortable subject matter.  you can then return to them again and again at different points to either fill in extra details as they become appropriate to the child's age, or adjust your or your child's moral stance on them if required.

Answer 3

Well, you take each issue in the context of their age. I have a 7 and 3 year old, the 3 y/o is a bit young to understand, but I have told her about "private places" and she seemed to understand. I have tried to talk with my son about these issues on an age appropriate level since he was 4, and as he gets older, we get a little more in depth with it. We haven't had the s*x talk yet though, I don't think he's ready for that. I think you have to take each child's developemental stage into consideration, some kids can grasp these concepts sooner than others, but you also need to be sure not to wait too long. I'd say start early with just a few words on the subject. Also, I think it's important that the child has input into the conversation and is allowed to ask questions and state their feelings. I think it's important for the child to know that the two of you can talk about the tough subjects together, and hopefully when they are teenagers it will make it easier to come to you when they need to. Open the lines of communication now and keep them open throughout their childhood and beyond.

Answer 4

I started young w/ the inappropriate touching part, by age 2 (almost 3) my son was fully aware who could touch him where and who couldn't.  I have also used the proper names for private parts and I think that helps.  

You can't go into too much detail w/ a toddler, they absorb everything they see so learning from an example (when it comes to smoking, drinking, drugs) will have a bigger impact than anything else.  A 3-6 year old is still too young to fully comprehend the dangers of drugs, drinking, and smoking.  

My 3 year old knows that cigarettes will burn him, are yucky to touch, and knows not to pick one up if he sees one in a parking lot.  Drugs is a little harder.  I tried explaining that one after my son asked why someone was being "tied up" (aka arrested and handcuffed) on a Cop's show my husband was flipping the channels through.  I tried to explain but then later caught myself referring to his daily Singulair as a drug and he then associated it as a bad thing.  You have to watch what you say and how you say it at that age, lol.  Drinking... well, it's just something that only adults can do.  That's what my son would tell you, lol.  

Start explaining it while she's young but stay at her level when doing so.  As your daughter grows and matures, you will understand what level she is at and how much she can/ will absorb.  At a young age, their attention span is only so long.

Answer 5

I have 3 kids, ages 10, 9, and 16 months, and last one on the way... I started talking to them when they were about 4, about strangers, and around 5, about smoking, etc., and close to 6 about the birds and the bees. I was always just very open about it, and it worked: to this day, they have no qualms about asking me whatever they want, and they're not embarrassed, since that's how I approached the whole thing... Sure, some of it was awkward, but I didn't go into *every* detail (about s*x), but enough so they darn well know how babies are made, they know the changes they will go through, and they know we can talk, if they want to... Sometimes, they blurt out a blunt question, and, one day my mom was over here, and heard it, and her eyes bulged, but that's because they didn't do things that way, back in the day, and many parents *these* days are too embarrassed, too... Better they hear it from you, than their peers!

*edited* The inappropriate touching talk, came a little earlier; about age 4.

Answer 6

I dont think it appropriate to talk about drugs and alcahol with kids under 10...I mean if you send them to a good school and they are never left to their own device then they arent going to get the chance to sample them are they? As my child is never alone with strangers, I dont see any reason to talk about touching...she knows that certain bits are private...but even if you do tell them about this it doesnt follow that they will be in any better position to defend themselves.

Answer 7

i'm a 15 year old but my parents told me when I was about 9

but I already knew some of it before

so tell them when youre kids get to 3rd grade or at least mention it

then explain it to them when theyre in 4th grade

itd be better to teach them before they have to learn by themselves and dont keep it private