How will constant fighting with my spouse affect my toddler?

Question

I am in a failing marriage and we have a 16 month old. Ever since she was born its been arguing, fighting, yelling, crying, throwing things, loud unhappy home. When i say constant I do not mean daily, but more like we go through stretches or phases of turmoil (like a few days to a couple of weeks) We are contemplating divorce but still unsure. We've gone to counseling, parenting classes, went back to church, and I on anti-depressants. Still, we fight often, and I think by now she has caught onto it. She is a happy bright wonderful child, but I feel that sometimes she feels like we don't love her or that she absorbs all our negativity and it makes her either act out or very irritable. I know that in the toddler years acting out and fussiness is normal but I want to know how does it affect them. And yes we do try to tone it down and not fight around her but sometimes it still doesn't worrk and I am very scared for my child and how things could turn out.

Answer 1

Children learn what they live.

They have nothing to compare to, so whatever they experience is the way they think is always is and the only way they will know how to do it when their turn comes.

Grown ups have to step up to the plate and demonstrate what they want their children's reality to be.

Answer 2

If he sees/hears it, its a chance she will become violent and you will notice it when she starts school or daycare or even while playing with others she may be aggressive

Answer 3

Unfortunately I think you instinctively know the answer to your question which is that, no, it is definitely not good for a child -- no matter what their age -- to be around parents who are fighting a lot. Children definitely pick up on the negativity and become anxious or afraid or withdrawn or obnoxious -- all depending on their own personality and ability to handle the stress as well as how you deal with them. It sounds like you already know this and I give you credit for trying to resolve the issues you are having as well as trying to be sensitive to your child and her needs. I know it can be really difficult. One thing is that children absolutely and naturally assume everything is about them -- all their fault, all their responsibility, all for them. They can only see the world through themselves. She is also incapable of choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. She is internalizing everything she is exposed to and learning from example. I unfortunately have no sage advice for you about how to get along with your spouse better although it does sound like you are trying all the "right" things. Good luck.

Answer 4

You are right to be worried. The turmoil is affecting her in very significant ways. children seem to be ignoring the fighting, etc., but they are really trying to make sense out of it re: themselves.She may even be blaming herself in her own immature way, and her whole world is insecure.

When you have been fighting, be sure that each of you spend time with her to reassure her of your love for her regardlessl of the way you feel about each other.

My husband and I went thru a similar time when our son was a toddler. I'm sure it affected him even tho he doesn't remember. He's 23 now and we've been married for 39 years. The last 15-20 have been the best years of our lives, and we're able to enjoy our daughters' sons together.

Answer 5

They say the most informative years for any person and the most influencial are from birth to age 7.  I grew up in a home like that and my parents decided not to divorce.  Looking back, I wish they had of.  It took me 8 years of therapy and a bunch of parenting classes to get over it and become a person I felt was fit for raising a baby.

Answer 6

Trust me she knows. My sister and her husband have always fought like this and it has stressed my niece to the max. She is constantly afraid they are splitting and even asked if they were getting "avorced" at about 4. They are great parents but I do think you should not fight like that in front of your kids. She is now 17 and they still fight and are always on the verge of a divorce. I don't think it is healthy. I don't necessarily think its healthy to not talk to one another when you are angry either which is what my husband and I do when we are mad because I will not fight in front of my kids.