How will my child cope+?

Question

hi.

well I m 18 wks pregnant with a girl..

My 1st.

I m only 15 so I have chosen to put my baby Angelos

Up for adoption. We are having an open adoption where her presents are going to send me photo’s as she grows up. But they said when she gets to be 18 she is going to tell Angelos that she was adopted..

I don’t want them to do this. What if she wants to meet me?

In 18 years I might have a family of my own. I m not ready at 15 to be a mum. But what if she doesn’t understand. Will the fact that I gave her up destroy her life?

Answer 1

Um, not telling her until she is 18?  NOt sure that is a good idea.  Are you sure about wanting to put her up for adoption?  If so, yes you have to think about how finding out at 18 will hurt her.  I am not saying adopt or not adopt, I just don't belive in hiding truth from children.  You can do an open adoption agreement (not legally binding mind you) but with a family who allows you to have contact not just photos.  Many adoptive parents will do this.  Then she gets to know more of her heritage and that you are still part of her life, jsut not parenting her.

Good luck either way.

Answer 2

First of all I want to say how glad I am that you have chosen adoption, and not abortion.  It is such a sacrifice to carry your baby to term and then place for adoption. I know- I am adopted and have 2 adopted children-  18 years from now- you may or may not want to meet your birth daughter- however most likely you will.  However, I would maybe make a slight suggestion to the adoptive parents- that they do not wait until Angelos is 18- that could be disastrous- because the older the child is the harder it is for them to accept the fact that adoption is a good thing- and she may resent you. I was told when I was not old enough to even understand the word- I have never met my birth mom, but I respect and love her very much for her decision-  we told our 2 kids , who are now 19 and 16, when they were small as well- and our son meet his birth mom and family last year-  his birth mom thought that he hated her- no as a matter of fact loves her very much.  No placing her for adoption will not destroy her life.  Take care and may God bless you- if you can email and want to talk, feel free, my friend

Answer 3

that sounds pretty good.

you should wore protection in the first place.

it'd be best to tell her shes adopted to not tell her at all.

i'm pretty sure she'll understand.

at first she'll probly feel heartbroken.

and telling her 18 isn't a good idea.

i think tell her at a younger age maybe when she hits her teens would be better or maybe when shes mature enough.

if she wants to meet me, then thats good isnt it?

Answer 4

i would go for abortion, i know u say no way but u would rather carry this baby for 9 months then give it up, u will be constantly wondering if u made the right decision, in 5-6 years time u may regret that decision. if i found out my mum gave me up i wold be heart broken, that is the biggest feeling of rejection u could ever have. i know this answer isnt very possitive but its the truth, if u want to do this u need to have answers from all angles. i know ur 15 nd that is young to have a baby, i was 17 but i coped alreight, i work i still have a life, see my friends, just make sure u are making the right decision

Answer 5

No lies  -ever.  Your child needs to know the truth about his/her adoption from the start.  It will be very traumatic for him/her to not know until 18 years of age.  How would you feel?

Is there any way that your child can stay in your immediate family (aunts, uncles, cousins) so that your child will not lose his family and heritage?  I think that in most cases it is much better than a stranger adoption.

What about the father of your child?  How does he and his family feel about the adoption?

Good luck and take care to stay healthy.

Answer 6

Always tell the truth from the start.

Not just to the child you give up for adoption, but also any children you subsequently have.  It isnt ok to tell a kid at 18 about adoption, she needs to know right from the start.  Please, please be available to answer your childs questions.  A lot can change over 18 years and you will hold the key to valuable information as she grows.

Answer 7

well, I'll tell you what other adoptees has told me.

it is NOT a good idea for them to wait to tell her when she's 18.. no no no.. from what I've been told, adoptees who know their whole life that they're adopted (being told even before they can fully understand what that means) are SOOOO happy that they were (told).. adoptees that don't find out until later are VERY upset at beig lied to....encourage the adoptive parents to tell her from the time she's a toddler.. please.. the baby will be much happier

you can always let the aps know that you don't want contact..but I don't think your child will hate you.. at some point in her life she'll be curious about you... whether she looks like you.. what you're like.. there may come a point where both of you want each other in your lives.. nothing wrong with that.. just leave a message with the APs that if she wants to meet you at some point, that's fine.. if she wants to meet you it will be because she DOESN'T hate you....

DON'T hide anything or encourage her APs to hide anything.. trust me.. lies are NOT how you get a happy well ajusted child...

I don't know what others think about this, but you can always write a letter, or several, to your child (maybe different letters appropriate for different ages) explaining to the child why you felt it was better for HER that you give her up.. THis may help her understand...

But having said all this.. don't jump into a decision to give up your baby.. realize you can regret this.. NOTHING should be finalized until you've had a chance to hold your baby and change your mind.. see if there's any way you can keep her.. it really is better for both of you... But ultimately, it's your decision..

Answer 8

I think its better to be honest from the beginning wit the child... kids can be told a story from he moment they are born, they grow up hearing it with love, and it isn't a hellish thing.  an angel sent you to us, the journey of how you came to us etc.... our adoption story, whatever, no reason to freak the kid out at 18, then she would feel betrayed. If you have a fam of your own then, hopefully you can be honest with them as well, or not... up to you, tell them you don't want contact until you initiate..

Answer 9

What's best for this child - number 1 - is to be parented by you.

If this can't be done - (I understand you are young - but parenting is not an impossibility) - then -

What's best for this child - number 2 - is to always know that they are adopted. They have a first mother that gave them life - that is where the child's looks, talents, likes and dislikes mostly come from - and the child needs to know that he/she came from YOU.

What's best for this child - number 3 - is to know YOU personally throughout their life. Not just photos and cards here and there - but to personally KNOW YOU. That is what OPEN ADOPTION is all about - and that is what is best for the child's self image and self concept. (photos from them is NOT an open adoption). No one can truly understand what their mother is like from hearing stories from another person - or just seeing photos. They need to talk to the person directly.

Then - you can explain to the child yourself - why you chose adoption - and help the child to understand better why they are adopted.

When we are honest with our children - they come to better understand the reasons behind what we do - and later have no reason to be angry.

Lies, secrets etc - equals a whole lot of anger down the track.

What's best for YOU - is to always be truthful and honest with this child - and with everyone else in your life. If you marry down the track - and be honest from day one - then if this child does want to know you more when they are an adult - then there will be no problem. There will be no shock return of the child you gave away. If your future partner has a problem with you having a child earlier - they do not love you - really. Any future partner should love all of you - and this child is part of you - whether you live with that child - or not.

You try to ignore that this child doesn't exist - that will eventually be more painful to you and to the child. And those two people are way more important than any future partner you will ever have.

Be strong - for you - for this child.

This is what is best for this child.

I'm an adoptee - I've lived it.

I was always told I was adopted - but I wasn't allowed to know my mother (only found her when I was 35) - and I always wanted to know. In fact - I daydreamed constantly about her - and about the reasons why.

I was told not to ever talk about it - which made it feel like my adoption was a 'bad' subject - and therefore I felt like my existence was 'bad'.

Be open, be honest, be truthful.

Open adoptions are NOT enforceable - meaning - if the adoptive family decides to never contact you again once the papers are signed - it's their right.

Be very careful about who you pick - both agency - and adoptive parents.

Don't commit totally to anything - until that child is born.

Do not let anyone guilt you into anything.

You have the right to parent if you wish - but if you don't want to - make sure you do this right.

I do hope you have some support around you - NOT the agency and adoptive parents - as they want your baby - they don't want you.

And if the adoptive parents don't want to tell the child they're adopted until they're older - or have no contact with you - they are the one's being cruel - as an adoptee needs to know this stuff - from day one.

We adoptees were not born in a cabbage patch.

We grew inside our mothers - we need to know our truth - we need to know the reasons why we were adopted - we need to know our mothers and other family members - if at all possible.

Being an adoptee means that we have 2 families - not just one. That is our reality.

Nothing wrong with that - it's just the way it is - and what's best for the adoptee - is to know - fully - both sides of their family.

I wish you and your babe all the very best that is in life.

Answer 10

When a child is adopted, it is always better for the child to know from day one that s/he is adopted, and to answer all questions the child has with honesty.  I hope that your child's adoptive parents will foster a sense of open-ness and honesty in everything, but especially around the subject of her adoption.

Unfortunately, the idea that your child might hate you is something you must come to terms with.  If your child's adoptive parents are truly open and honest with her, it is doubtful that she will hate you, but if this is your fear, then you need to do what you can to work through this fear and accept that you can't do anything to change her feelings.  Can you still make the decision to place her for adoption knowing that she COULD end up hating you?  What about other feelings she could have?  What if she feels that you abandoned her?  What if she doesn't believe that you made this decision out of love?  I am not saying that she will have ANY of these feelings, but these are all normal, natural reactions an adoptee might have, and you won't be able to do anything to change her feelings, regardless if she knows that you are her mom.  These are things that mom's have to come to terms with.  (Sometimes even mom's who keep their babies have to deal with their kids hating them - I know my mom does!  lol)

I wish you all the best.  Good luck and take care!

Answer 11

I was adopted as a baby and I never once hated my birth mom--never!

But I beg you to reconsider having them wait until she's 18 to tell her. Just imagine it. It would be so shocking at that age.

I was told that I was adopted from the time I was. I was told many times about my adoption before I could even comprehend what it meant. My mom never told me the story of my birth. She told me about when they went to get me. I grew up feeling pretty secure about it, really.

I truely feel this is the way to go. I can't say how I would have reacted if my parents would have kept that from me until I was 18. It wouldn't have been good; I can almost guarantee it.

Whether they wait 18 years, or tell her right away it probably won't change her mind about wanting to meet you or not. I feel like the meeting will go much better if she hasn't had that shock at 18 years old.

I can't say how she will feel. I can only tell you what my experience has been. The fact that my birth mother gave me up has not destroyed my life. Not at all. My parents didn't know much about her but they did tell me she was young and not ready to be a mom. I feel like I've respected that and admired her all along.

You're saying that you don't want them to tell her at all? In my opinion (remember, I'm an adoptee) she should know. One, because it will affect her health-wise--when you go to the doctor they always ask family medical history. Two, she may figure it out another way--by someone not keeping the secret, or by birth records, or anything could happen.

If you're working with an adoption agency, please ask them to advise you in this area. And also about your other concerns--the ones you listed here. If you're not working with an agency, maybe you could get an adoption counselor or someone that will be able to answer these things for you. Try Lutheran Social Services. I believe they work in adoption and their services are often free or low cost.

Good luck to you. My e-mail is open if you have questions about what I've said or anything like that. Again, best wishes to you.

Answer 12

i know this isn't what someone down on the answering bit wants to hear, but if you have an abortion you will never live it down.  What a stupid comment to make, that you will keep wondering if you dont have an abortion!!  If you did, it would be 10 times worse because you have directly killed someone, that you have made!!  If i was you i would definatley keep he baby(up for adoption i mean) and then i would see what happens, but the child needs to know way before 18, so she doesnt feel like shes been left in the dark for so long, good luck x*x

Answer 13

i know you won't have any say in when the adoptive parents tell her she's adopted.  but i think honestly from the start will cause less problems later on.   she should know you and where she came from.  this will help her to be able to understand better.  keeping something this important to who you child is for 18 years i can't see how it could be good for her.  if she knows growing up she was adopted, and about you.  she doesn't have to visit with you but she should know about you i believe.  i think she'll be able to cope with her adoption better if she's not lied to her entire life, up until she turns 18.  

what a difficult journey you are on.  and right now it may seem scary and that you just want to know she's ok and being taken care of.  but in a few years you may change your mind.  and 18 years from now you could feel completely different.  don't close that door.

also i understand you're very young. but should you decide you want to be a mom after you see her and hold her in your arms don't be afraid to say so.  only you can make this choice.   just be sure no one is making it for you.  the choice is up to you and i'm sure you'll make whichever one you feel is best for your baby.  

i'm not adopted but i am an adoptive mom.  and my opinion of the woman who gave birth to my daughter is she is absolutely her mom.  she may not be the one that parents her but she is her mother.  she's been told she's adopted her entire life and we have an open adoption.  she gets to visit with her mom, and i've always felt this is what is in her best interest.  you might not feel you are ready to be a parent, but realize you will always be this little girls mother.  don't close doors on that relationship, leave it cracked a little at least.  

my best in whatever you decide and for your little girl.

Answer 14

She'll do just fine, sweetie.

And in 18 years, you might have a family of your own.  And your feelings about meeting your biological daughter may have changed.  It's impossible to guess how you'll feel about your life at 33.  In any case, you've chosen good parents for her, and you'll need to trust their judgment.

After all, nothing says you have to agree to meet her.

Frankly, I think that keeping your child at 15 is more of a recipe for disaster than making a thoughtful sacrifice as you've done.  All you can do - all any parent can do - is make the best choice possible for their child.

That's what you've done, and while it's natural to feel loss and sorrow, you should also be proud of your choices and the strength you're showing.

Answer 15

it seems you do not want the child to no she is adopted because it will bother you "if you have a family of your own"

If she wants to meet you, buck up and meet her.

It is her right to know that she is adopted.

Is she wasn't told and then found out, she will think she was lied to.

I am sure she will understand at 15 you were still a kid yourself.

And no, the fact you "gave her up" will not destroy her life, as long as she is given to loving people who will take care of her and see to her needs as she grows up