How would adoptive parents explain this one?

Question

Being inspired by a question to adoptees, I can't wait to hear explanations for this one:

"MUSCATINE, Iowa — As a 2-month-old infant remains hospitalized in critical condition and the Muscatine woman who was in the process of adopting him is charged with injuring him, some people are asking how something like this could have happened. ... According to the complaint, Ms. XXXX, 29, allegedly shook and slammed 2-month-old Tyler XXXX causing permanent brain injury. The complaint further alleges that the infant was in her care and was about to be adopted by Ms. XXXX."

Imaginary quote from Tyler - "Thank you dearest mommie. I needed a good rap upside the head to remind to be grateful for being adopted."

Answer 1

Probably the same way that a birth parent who does the exact same thing to her baby, or who allows her boyfriend to shake and beat the baby would explain it.

This has NOTHING to do with being an adoptive parent.  It's a sick, unstable person doing something horrific to an innocent baby.  There are as many loving, caring, gentle adoptive parents as there are birth parents.  You just hear more about the unfortunate bad situations.

Answer 2

i think its funny that people seek out bad stories about adoptions gone bad so they can do this.  because im pretty sure there are way more real parents who are more abusive to their kids than their are adoptive parents who are abusive. really if your so against adoption, good for you for not being part of one because adoptions don't want people that hate it.  if you are apart of one (adoptee) it's unfortunate that you feel this way.

Answer 3

Oh my gosh that's horrible.  How would someone that unstanble be able to adopt in the first place?

Answer 4

Considering the home studies adopters have to go through how did this happen? I feel so sad for this child. Really how did this happen? Certainly this woman should never have been allowed to adopt. I wonder what poor Tylers mother is going to think when she finds out this happened to the son she thought was going to have a better life than he could have with her. This sort of thing makes me ill no matter who does it. Natural parent, adoptive parent or care giver. This should never happen to any child!

Answer 5

that says nothing about adoptive parents. It just says something about that lady.

Answer 6

People, Grapesgum asked this question for the simple point that LOTS of questions have been asked here lately in the exact opposite vein, trying to "prove" that adoption is wonderful because bio-parents are abusive and should place their children.

She is simply trying to dispell the notion that adoption is, quite on the contrary, not always the best option that it is touted to be.

Want more proof?

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_s...

4 YO Sean Paddock, removed from his biological parents because they couldn't afford heat, well he paid with his life when his carers suffocated him.  His siblings escaped with bruises all over their bodies.  Good thing authorities finally got smart and placed his siblings with their REAL grandparents.

And:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/01/nyregi...

THIS little 5-YO "Gift from God" was bound at the wrists and ankles for a considerable time.  Guess her adopters didn't want God's little Gift getting away, IDK?  What kind of loving, responsible carers do this to their little girl?

And:

http://www.childrenintherapy.org/victims...

This poor little Russian adoptee, suffering from RAD, and what was his adopter doing?  Beating him with a wooden SPOON???

Of course we all have heard about Judith Leekin, I suppose her adoptees should just be grateful they weren't aborted, huh?

Oh, and the best one:

http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/9950/...

THIS poor little mite was busy doing fun things that a lot of mischievous little 4 year olds do, but he got the punishment of his life when he hid a-mommy's jewelry.

I'm sure "death by keyboard" was NOT the "better life" his bio-mom had in mind when she decided to place.  Yeah.  Beating the kid to death with the computer keyboard, that's loving.  And during a search of the home, authorities found a "contract" between the monster and another adoptee (who had been removed...but they let the other kid stay???) that stated: he would “promise not to rub his eyes, scratch himself, tear holes in his clothes, write incorrect words, enter rooms without permission, watch movies, play outside, or play with toys."  

Yeah. I could go on and on about how "wonderful" adoption was for these and a lot MORE kids.

So next time anyone wants to put up some news stories about how the bio parents abused and killed their kids, remember, there are JUST as many adopters and carers doing the same thing.

BUT...the adopters and carers are SUPPOSED to be the "BETTER LIFE".

Better life my ****.

Answer 7

What a sad story, that poor little baby.

But, anyway, Tyler's birth mom was probably poor and unwed...isn't that worse than brain damage?  Oh..it's not?  

Or his maybe his birth mom was a drug addict, or she might have abused him, right?  So, he was saved from a terrible life and given to a loving adoptive family...oh, wait, no he wasn't.

Answer 8

Grapes, if you are "weary of adoptive parents" then just ignore us and our q&a's. Your imaginary quote is in very bad taste. Child abuse, neglect, murder by anyone is an abomination.

Answer 9

How horrible!!!! My only guess is she really faked her way thru the homestudy. Alot of people can act very well when they need to to impress someone.

This woman will make birthmothers everywhere question adoption and make pregnant girls reconsider adoption for their child.

And that poor child!!!!!!! As an adoptive mom, I feel grateful that his birthmother trusted my husband and I to raise and love her son. My son should never feel grateful to be adopted...our family is grateful to be blessed with him.

How anyone can hurt a child is beyond my comprehension!

Answer 10

I hope she gets life.  She should have just taken that baby back.

No explanation is possible.

Answer 11

You forgot a few.

Masha Allen whose adoptive father was a pedofile.. He adopted her to have s*x with her.   Actually there are several of them.  The idiot, Peter Sotos, who is the first person ever convicted of child pornography, calls her the only living child p**n star.  He even published a book about her with pics inside of it.

Natasha Kampusch, another child who was held hostage by her pedophile adopter.

William Peckenapaugh also adopted a boy that he too sexually molested.

David Charles Gilmore is another molestor who adopted a girl and molested her.

A dear friend of mine has also written about 14 other Russian adoptees who have died at the hands of adopters.  

The problem of adoption is that the industry pushes this ideology that two parents are better than one.  They do this in order to profit.  So when these situations happen, they are not only betraying the adoptee but the natural parents who are trying to do better for their children.  

Sadly yes the adopters in these cases should be held liable.  The adoption industry is NOT held accountable for their actions.  If it weren't for money maybe they would be.

Answer 12

I can't explain it.  I didn't do it.

Answer 13

That poor little baby!!!  SAD SITUATION, YES, BUT THIS DOES NOT SPEAK FOR ALL ADOPTIVE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THIS WOMAN CLEARLY WAS NOT READY TO BE A PARENT.  UNFORTUNATELY IT WAS AT THE CHILD'S EXPENSE.  Don't look at us adoptive parents to explain this woman's bad actions.  The way in which you asked the question is not fair.  You make it sound as if all a-parents are this way!  Not sure where you got your inspiration to ask adoptees this question.

Answer 14

People are people. There are good and bad people everywhere, in every culture. Not every Adoptive family is great just like not every birth mom is a drug addict. It is not fair to anyone to generalize like this, it only validates those those who are confused in their way of thinking. By posting this you have only given those people do dislike adoption fuel to use instead on educated information. It is no more fair or correct then repeated postings of cases where birth moms have abused or murdered their children.

Answer 15

There are bad people in the world.  Adoption is not the cause of the evilness of that woman.  She is evil, and shouldn't have been approved to adopt the baby (or any child for that matter).

Biological parents shake and abuse their children too.  I know it is something people say on here, that adoptive parents are more likely to abuse their children, but I don't know if I believe that.  It may make better news if the parent is an adoptive parent though, which may be why it seems that adoptive parents are more likely to abuse their children.  I don't know.

The imaginary quote is totally inappropriate and cruel.

I do not/will not expect my children to be grateful to me for adopting them,   the idea that adoption is about saving children is horrendous, and not fair to the child.  The child is a child and does not owe his/her parents ANYTHING, whether born to the family or adopted into it.

I understand there are many hurt adoptees, and I try to stay out of these accusatory questions, but this one really bothered me for some reason.  Adoption isn't perfect,  I know that.  That is why, if we adopt, to make sure our adoption is as ethical as possible.  I feel that it is the duty of adoptive parents to make sure that all adoptions are ethical, but I know that not all adoptive parents feel this way, and that is sad.  There are no easy answers.  

Adoption is a fact because we don't live in a perfect world, and until we do, instead of attacking each other we should all be working together to make sure that each and every adoption is as ethical as possible.

This whole adoptee versus adoptive parents is getting old.  I know you mean well, but...its not working.  Just making everyone puff out their chests trying to show their side, and there are still children in this world who need homes.  There are still going to be women, who, for whatever reason, will want to place their children for adoption and we shouldn't judge them for that.  Yes, it is fair to educate them on the downfalls of adoption, but to outright attack each other is getting so old and is not...well I want to say nice, but its just petty and foolish when we all should be working together to better the adoption system.

I know no one is totally against adoption, and I know most of you see the real need for adoption today, even if you don't agree with some of the reasons.  So why not work to keep more babies with their biological families?  Why not work to promote adoption of older children in foster care?  Why not promote countries that have an ethical adoption program (and yes I know that this isn't an easy thing to find...but they are out there).  Why not help each other heal instead of pointing fingers and placing blame where there isn't?

Answer 16

Any form of child abuse from any type of parent is completely disgusting.  I too think this has nothing to do with adoption.  Abusers come in many forms, friends, family, adoptive or not.  I hope she spends the rest of her life in jail over.

Answer 17

wait... i thought adoption was about giving children loving homes and removing them from bparents who were inherently abusive due to poverty, drugs... /sarcasm

first, this is beyond tragic.  i don't care if a parent is foster, step, bio or adoptive, to abuse a baby is simply an act of power, sociopathology and quite cowardly.

as for ms. xxxxx, apparently she passed a homestudy of some sort. for me, that's more problematic because according to some agency's objective assessment of her ability to parent (which many who wish to sever all natal bonds holds up as an abosolute claim that adoptive parents are better than bparents) she was deemed a "better parent" than this child's bmom.

what this case demonstrated, similar to the case posted several days ago in which birthparents abused a child, is that abusive parents permeate all categories; biological, adoptive, et al.

and, that children are equally at risk for abuse in bio-homes and adoptive homes.  the variable is the parents, not adoption vs. bio.

Answer 18

This is very sad this woman clearly should not be a parent to any child.  I see this no different then an adoptee who gets abused by their adopters. The fact is that anyone can be abusive biological parents, step parent, guardians, caregivers, adopted parents, spouse etc.   This woman clearly probably didn’t have the patient to be a mother; the baby was probably crying and wouldn’t stop. It happens I read of a man who put his baby in hot water because she wouldn’t stop crying, his biological daughter by the way.

This is just a sad event and I don’t think has anything to do with this woman was adopting the boy, just that at this time she was not truly ready to be a parent to any child regardless if it was an adopted baby or biological baby.  

Its not as if there have not been cases where it’s the biological parent who causes damage to an infant due to lack of patience’s.

Answer 19

This just shows that this woman is unstable..... there are plenty of normal adoptive parents.

Answer 20

I don't really care who does the abuse, it can be bio parents, adopted parents, grandparents, child care workers, anyone.  I think for you to bring this up as if it should not happen if you are adopted parent is a bit narrow minded.  Anyone can snap and hurt a child and I don't care who you are it is never right.  I think it is very sad that this happened to baby Tyler and I think it is very sad when it happens to any child by any person in a position of trust.  Just because you are adopting doesn't mean you are perfect.............unfortunately there are cracks in every part of life.

Answer 21

The overall death rate in ministry care is 266 per 100 thousand child-years.

In an article by Vivian Song published in the April 2, 2006 Toronto Sun, she says Ontario Deputy Chief Coroner Dr Jim Cairns presides over the deaths of about 70 children a year involved with CAS.

To think, these are the people we entrust children to when their home situation is not ideal or is downright appalling. Children denied their natural families are children at risk. Now I am not saying that all children are better off with their natural families. What I am saying that when you disrupt a family the ramifications are far reaching.

Answer 22

As awful of a story this is, it happens all too often.  Many times, new parents don't know what they are getting into.  There are many children who are abused and even killed by their natural parent, how can we not expect that to happen to an adopted child.  A woman may be very patient, and believe they will make a great mother.  Then when reality hits, the task of raising that child becomes daunting.  When you have an infant that won't stop crying, no matter what you do for them, it's easy to loose your temper.  Many of us are able to back away and take a break, so we don't hurt our children.  Some people don't have that ability.  This woman could have passed all the psyche tests and truly believed she could handle a baby.  But she snapped.  I'm not saying this is ok, it's not.  I'm saying this happens.  Rather than cutting this woman down, we should offer her help; teach her how to handle her anger and uncertainty.

The answer to this question is to be a good neighbor, and when you know a mother having a hard time dealing with the stresses of being a mother, be there for her!  Give her pointers on how to deal with a crying baby that won't stop, without taking it out on the child.  We could not prevent this news story from happening, but we can prevent another incident from happening by caring not only for children, but their parents as well!

Answer 23

I'm sorry Tyler right before i adopted you, i slammed your head into a door, thats why you are special. but I love you honey

Answer 24

I'll say the same thing I said to the question posed to adoptees:  It's ridiculous to judge a whole group by one example.  I'll also say, the system certainly failed this baby, and this woman obviously should not have been approved to adopt.

Answer 25

I'm an adoptee, and I don't think that what you're asking is fair at all!  There are many sick (evil) individuals out there that would harm a child---it's just a sad fact!  Biological mothers do it, as do adoptive mothers, and no there is never an excuse for either of them to do it!  Unfortunately though, some mothers don't realize they have anger issues or lack patience until they become a parent.  The child being one that was about to be adopted has little do with this.

Answer 26

No it doesn't speak for all adoptive parents.  However it is interesting that there have been many, MANY questions saying that children who are abused by their natural parents should have been put up for adoption instead.

And everybody takes one example as an indication that adoption is a good and necessary.

How is this situation any different?

The truth is there are many, MANY case of adoptees being abused and murdered by their adoptive parents.  It happens a lot.  And yet things like psych evaluations are considered by many as another "hoop" to jump through instead of a necessary precaution to make sure children are placed in homes that are safe and nurturing.

Most of us here are not anti adoption but pro-adoption reform.  And there are good reasons for this.

NO child should have to suffer abuse.  No child.

Ever.