How would you deal with my psychotic sister?

Question

Okay, maybe she's not psychotic, but she has something. My guess is undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. She's 50, has always been a liar, is jealous of everybody in the family....She's always trying to stir trouble. She walks in the room and 5 minutes later at least 2 ppl are arguing. She will try to bait you into an argument with her for as long as it takes or you get fed up and leave. So that way she feels like she's in control over everybody.

Now my dad has Alzheimer's and she's right up in the middle of everything, causing problems as usual--and trying to act like she's the sweet little care-taking daughter because she thinks she'll get more out of the will. Everything should be about my dad right now, but she's constantly manipulating situations to where he takes the backseat to stupid petty little family arguments. It's ridiculous.

I've been gone for 2 weeks because of her, and I don't know that I can return. I'm not a violent person--never even been in a fight, but I'm to the point where if she says one more word to me--even "Hello" I can't guarantee I won't knock her out.......and then of course she'll call the police and tattle because that's what all bullies do.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

i suppose i would try talking to her. i can understand why you would be so angry, but i think if you were to bring it up, be calm, and make sure you are alone. it sounds like you have a lot of anger built up about this, and you should let her know how you've felt about her. if nothing changes, talk to your family (although i know this is already a difficult time) about finding psychological help for her. if everyone who loves her truly tries to calmly persuade her and is persistent, i'm sure she'd be willing to try to at least shut you all up. i know i would. change doesn't happen overnight. also, if your father's alzheimers isn't too advanced and he still recognizes you, etc, try to make him understand what's going on. i am very sorry for your father's illness as well.  

Answer 2

you seem to know what she is doing, so avoid the traps and just be nice to her. She maybe thining she will be left out in the cold. Some women feel that the brothers get more than the sister, which historical has been the case. So she may be worried. Perhaps easing her fears might bethe way to go.

It seems she feels everyone is out to get her and she can't trust anyone. You need to take the first step, even if it means being humble and apologetic to her. Let her win. Gain her trust, show her that the petty arguments won't change that someone still loves her.

If there is a history of mental illness in the family, have her evaluated.  

Answer 3

wow your situation is tough, but there is always help, number one on your priority list, take your sister, your dad, and yourself to a counseling and you can literally talk everything out, and tell your dad that she is not the perfect like daughter he thinks she is and have her tested to see what her disorder is

Answer 4

guillotine

Answer 5

If everyone knows she's like this, why is everyone still falling for her tricks?  If everyone would just ignore her maybe she would settle down some. Just blow everything she says off as non-important -- you know like when you're watching a TV program you really want to see and someone starts talking to you -- you just half-listen to them?  That's what I meant.

Answer 6

This is a very tough situation, and I'm sorry to hear about it.    She obviously wants a lot of attention...I just wouldn't give it to her.  Don't visit your dad when she is there; or if you do, at least avoid her.  If she honestly doesn't care much about your dad, t hen my guess is that she will lose her motivation to be the 'sweet little caretaker' when she realizes that nobody is around to feed into her drama.  I think backing off for a couple of weeks was a great idea; it gives people time to recharge.  Most people who take care of parents with Alzheimer's need to step back every once in awhile, and they don't even have your sister to deal with.

Answer 7

The best way to deal with her will be for you to gather all the patience you can and BE NICE. They hate that. When they pop...put a mirror on her face (not literally, especially if she's violent) but show her HOW she's behaving and maybe just maybe she'll have some kind of vision of what kind of a person she's been to you and everyone else aorund her.

People with special problems need to be shown what they do and what they're not doing. Before anything she has to realize that she's not like eveyone else and she needs to understand her behaviour and where it's comming from.

Answer 8

Since your dad is probably in some kind of care facility, you can check with them to see if the "problem" is there or not... even try to set it up so that certain people will only be there visiting on certain days.

In fact, if the nursing home gets wind of it correctly, they can have her permanently excluded from the facilities... it may have to be a concerted effort with the whole family filing the request with the nursing home management. Everyone has to sign in the guest register, right?  That's the screening point. Use it!

You don't have to answer to anything your problem sister says or does.

Like dealing with a problematic child, you refuse to let them pull your chains or manipulate you. The nastiest thing you can do is IGNORE these types. You really have more control than you think.  

I think you just need to get everyone on the same page.

Answer 9

Either ignore her, or get a video camera and get her on tape whenever she goes psychotic. Then make her watch it!!!

Answer 10

Honest, WhenYouFeel, I'm not so sure I can help with an answer, but I can help with sympathy.  A lot of us have these people in our families.  They go on functioning and they manage without looking like they're sick.  Worse, they come across as nice and smart.  

You're doing the right thing avoiding her.  Keep at it.  Trust that your father is getting advice about writing his will based on long-standing family relations, not what's been happening in the last month of his life.  Don't feel guilty disliking her, even not being able to stand her.  Sometimes, you cannot help out your own siblings or your parents, even as you know that they are are ill, because the nature of their illness makes them very obnoxious.  If ever you feel kindly inclined, the time to help her is not when she's at her worst towards others, but when she is feeling insecure and wishes she had more love and friendship and professional success in her life.  Do approach her gently then.

Answer 11

I think you need to talk to my mom.  Her brother is exactly like your sister.  My grandfather died a couple of years ago, and my grandmother lives a couple of hours away from my mom, but my mom doesn't even like to go visit because of my uncle (he lives right next door to my grandmother).  He is always trying to stir up trouble, and it acts like he is the only one who does anything for my grandmother.  He is constantly nagging my grandmother to change her money around until it is in his name and trying to leave my mother completely out of it.  He wants the house, land, money, everything.  He tries to manipulate my mother, but my dad steps in.  My uncle has to start a fight with everyone.  I think he has something seriously wrong with him (as you said your sister did).  He is extremely jealous of my mother, and has even told her she shouldn't have been born.  I know it is hard to stay away from your dad, but I am sure he sees what is going on (even if he has Alzheimer's).  What my mom does is just talk to my grandmother on the phone, and she makes sure she visits her when my uncle is away somewhere.  In honest truth, she just avoids him.  She has tried to talk things out with him, but he feels he does no wrong.  Some people you just can't get through to no matter how hard you try, and if you are the breaking point, then stay away from her as long as it takes to cool off.  Try to be the bigger person, and maybe she will come around.  If she has been this way all of life, however, odds are she will never change.  Do what you must for your dad, but let her know you aren't going to put up with her behavior.  She may be your sister, but that doesn't mean you have to be bullied by her.  

Answer 12

I wish I had advice for you, I just want to tell you that I've known people like that...and for it to be an immediate family member must be doubly difficult.  My heart goes out to you.

Also....people are funny about wills and money.  It's stressful.  I'm experiencing that now (w/o the psycho sister).  I hope everything works out for you.  Hopefully your father knows her true colors.  If he has already written his will (and I hope so, since he has Alz..) then you have nothing to worry about there.  You could always take her to court.  Sounds like a nightmare.

I wish I could be more help...my heart goes out to you.